Aggression of any kind can be a frustrating thing to deal with. Whether you’re having a routine disagreement with your spouse or witnessing a late-night bar fight, aggression can be a part of everyday life. What about when it comes to passive aggression? This is a different type of aggression that can be less obvious, and is often more insidious when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Because passive aggression can be relatively prevalent, it is important to understand it and be able to deal with it successfully. Identifying, managing, and working with passive aggressive behavior in others can help you put an end to it before it has harmful effects. This is true whether it is in romantic relationships, friendships, or even at work.
What is passive aggression?
Passive aggression is a behavior that people display instead of being actively aggressive. While aggression is usually considered direct and easy to spot, such as when someone starts a physical fight or says something clearly offensive, passive-aggressive behavior can be more difficult to recognize. A passive-aggressive person can be very confusing and difficult to deal with. The behaviors and communication styles attributed to passive aggression tend to be somewhat manipulative and designed to make the other person feel or act a certain way. Therefore, passive aggression can be difficult to recognize and deal with.
Researchers have investigated why passive aggression occurs, and although there is no solid cause, there are a few suspects.
There are some very specific signs of passive aggression that you can use to recognize, both in yourself and in people around you. There are also techniques you can learn to help yourself manage passive-aggressive behaviors from others in a healthy and calm manner.
Signs of passive aggressive behavior
Signs of passive aggressive behavior tend to be more subtle than signs of overt aggressive behavior, so you may have to look closely to see them. Compared to active aggression, passive aggression may be minor. Often times, you have to pay attention if you want to detect it and remain unaffected by it. However, there may be some clear signs of passive aggression that you can look for. Here are some of the most common things to look for:
Resistance to suggestions, commands, or requests from other people: Resistance can be a hallmark of passive aggression. This resistance may take many forms, but it often manifests itself as irritation, subtle arguments, or making jokes at the other person’s expense. Making elaborate excuses and/or procrastinating can be another form of resistance. Depending on the exact behaviors of the aggressive person, resistance can be relatively easy to detect or very difficult to notice. Regardless, the target of passive aggression is likely to feel embarrassed, hurt, or uncomfortable about the person and their behavior. It is very likely that at first these uncomfortable feelings may seem to have no basis in what is happening.
Indirect compliments: While an aggressive person might say something bad about another person, a passive-aggressive person will often say something that sounds like a compliment but is actually meant as an insult. These handwritten compliments may be phrased in certain ways, said in certain tones, and contain certain word choices that distinguish them from genuine compliments. One of the easiest ways to notice an indirect compliment is to listen to yourself rather than focusing too much on what the other person is saying. If someone says something to you that sounds like a compliment, but you notice that you feel bad after talking to them or that you are uncomfortable and embarrassed for no apparent reason, there is a possibility that you have received an indirect compliment. These “compliments” can be easier to spot in retrospect.
Changes in behavior for no apparent reason: People who behave in a passive-aggressive manner tend to avoid or instigate conflict through patterns of avoidance or even near-abandonment. When a passive-aggressive person gets into an argument with another person, they may choose to disrespect the other person by not talking to them, avoiding them, or even ignoring them in a general way. Often times, the other person may not know what went wrong and may feel deeply hurt by this type of passive aggression.
Other behaviors and actions: Passive aggression is behavior that involves a fair amount of manipulation. But, unlike true manipulation, a person who displays passive-aggressive behavior may or may not be fully aware of how his actions (or lack thereof) affect the people around him. Frowning or “gloominess” may be common when it comes to passive aggressive behavior. There are many different behaviors or actions that passive-aggressive people display when they are upset, and although there is a theme, the exact behaviors vary.
How to manage passive aggression
If you are experiencing passive aggression, it is important to know how to deal with it so that you can take care of your safety. You can also be a source of support for someone who is behaving passive-aggressively if you wish. One of the most powerful things you can do is to remain calm and realize that the other person is experiencing negative emotions. You can point them out and encourage conversation, or in some cases, it may be better to maintain an understanding demeanor and give the person space (and start the conversation later). Often, if you choose to bring up the situation, the person may deny that they are upset, at which point it is best to give them the space they need to process their feelings. If you have been told that you are passive-aggressive or you notice these behaviors in yourself, there are some things you can do:
Work on becoming more self-aware. When you work to gain a greater sense of self-awareness, you may be more willing to notice your passive-aggressive behaviors and adapt to them in a productive way. Becoming aware of your behaviors and then trying to understand why you are upset can be a powerful first step toward being able to communicate and interact with the people around you in a healthy way.
Forgive yourself and give yourself time. You may have expressed your feelings in a passive-aggressive way for many years, but it’s important to be tolerant and give yourself the time you need to make changes. Change does not happen overnight, but in small steps over time.
Learn how to express yourself in different ways. Reading books and working on building a stronger emotional vocabulary may help you stop behaving in passive-aggressive ways. You may learn other newer, more productive ways to communicate with the people around you. Besides building vocabulary, practicing art, dance, or music to soothe emotions can also be helpful when it comes to getting in tune with yourself and making lasting, worthwhile behavioral changes. Expressing your frustration in a healthy way can make situations healthier for you and others.
If you are someone who acts passive-aggressively in response to negative emotions, you may have some trouble resetting and changing your behavior, especially if it has been ingrained in your mind and patterns over some time. If this is your situation, it may be time to seek support from someone qualified to help.
Sometimes it is necessary to seek help to resolve patterns of passive-aggressive behavior. If you or someone you know is displaying passive-aggressive behavior and it is affecting your life in a negative way, it may be time to contact a therapist for help. There are many types of therapy available to help treat passive-aggressive behavior including cognitive behavioral therapy, family therapy (where appropriate), and hypnotherapy.
If you find that passive aggressive behavior is affecting your relationship, online couples counseling may be helpful. One study shows that 95% of couples who participate in online couples counseling consider it “helpful” which may be an option for relationships where passive aggression is present.
Online therapy has many perks. It is available to participants because there is no requirement to travel to schedule an appointment and clients can feel more comfortable speaking to a therapist from the comforts of their own home.
