Many couples, in the midst of an acrimonious divorce, toss around the term “parental isolation,” to describe the effects of one parent badmouthing the other. This often happens when one person appears to be particularly at fault in the divorce. I think everyone can agree that a parent criticizing a child is unhealthy at best and abusive at worst. But this is not parental alienation.
I recently heard about a four-year-old boy who was unexpectedly abandoned by his mother and father. Understandably, both are devastating. Understandably, the father felt the need to address this matter. He would begin his rehearsals for sudden separation and divorce, and as if on cue, his young son would break down in tears. It took some loving intervention for him to realize that he was forcing his son to experience his mother’s abandonment over and over again. But this is not parental alienation either.
Parental alienation is far more subtle and abusive. Typically, if a parent has a serious personality disorder, children are more at risk for this type of emotional manipulation. If you are married to a narcissist or share custody with a narcissist, you need to be very aware of the signs of parental alienation.
Parental alienation looks like this:
1: Parental alienation means systematic exclusion from basic parental duties.
If the other parent is attending parent/teacher conferences and you are not aware of them, you may have a problem. Make sure your parent’s personal name is on all emergency contact information. If you suspect your ex is a narcissist, check back regularly. The goal of parental isolation is to separate you from even the most basic information about your child. Doctor’s appointments and classes must be made with your knowledge and consent. This requires diligence on your part.
2: Parental alienation results in a sudden request from your child not to attend his events.
If you find your child suddenly insisting on backing away from the normal involvement expected of a parent, you may have a case of parental alienation on your hands. The goal of the emotional abuser is to separate the victim from any sources of support, including the other parent. Please know that your child will not be aware of this manipulation or may be afraid of the other parent. If they insist on not attending their soccer game or dance show, there may be a reason darker than their teens’ exclusivity. In the worst case, the other parent may threaten to hurt you or hurt you if you both attend an event.
3: Your child begins to treat you with disdain while expecting you to meet his needs.
Entitlement is something every parent has to deal with on some level. If a child begins to treat you like his slave, deserving of your love and energy while asserting that you are less than him or not as good as him, then you have a problem. Narcissistic behavior can be learned to some extent, but parental isolation is about transferring that selfish worldview to the child. This is about revenge. They don’t want to just paint you as a bad parent; They want to completely cut off all attachment to you as a parental figure.
My youngest daughter has been living with her father for about six months after years of no contact. She was fifteen years old at the time, and had no idea who he was, since I had divorced him when she was very young. He was a long-time narcissist, and would tell her stories that were pure fantasy, where I was the aggressor and he was the savior. In one, he made up a story in which I was hitting her older sister, aged three, hard in the face because she didn’t get dressed quickly enough. The hero in this made-up story wrestled me to the ground to save our daughter from bruising her face.
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I found these stories very confusing, and in the end, it took her and me months to unravel the web of lies. Narcissists are convincing. A narcissistic parent can really influence a child’s mind and emotions.
Parental Alienation #4: Your child becomes oppositional and angry, especially toward you.
In parental isolation, the child is literally brainwashed into thinking that you are the enemy. One of my mother’s friends recounts her husband’s violent treatment. He punched her in the stomach when she was pregnant and subjected her to a range of behaviors that should have landed him in prison. However, his manipulation was so clever and terrifying that her sons brought the “fault” of the divorce directly into her court. Their anger was directed at her rather than their father, who was probably too scary to be angry with. He also controlled all the money he used to manipulate them.
5: Parental alienation means that your child forgets previous bonding and/or attachment experiences with you.
The goal of parental alienation is to revise history. Not only will a narcissistic abuser lie about things that happened, but he will also insist that certain parts of the child’s history never happened. Remember, the goal of parental alienation is to sever the parent-child relationship and make it as if it never happened. The narcissist sees any good memory the child has of you, the other parent, as a threat. The child quickly learns to review history to stay safe.
6: The child will insist that breaking the bond is his idea.
When a child is estranged from a parent, there is always an underlying reason. This simply does not usually happen in dysfunctional situations. This type of severing of the parent-child relationship is an indicator that the child has become a victim of serious emotional abuse. Ironically, victims of emotional abuse do not turn toward those who can help them or who feel safe. After all, they are not afraid of the secure parent. But they are terrified of their attacker and believe they must live their lives in complete submission to that attacker in order to survive. Or at least that’s what they think.
In general, a personality disorder, whether borderline or narcissistic, is often the root cause of this type of situation. Fortunately, the courts are becoming more aware of this. Fortunately, this can be difficult to prove. Contrary to popular belief, a parent does not need frequent custody to enact this type of emotional torture. Even a parent who works part-time can hold their child hostage.
If you believe your child is at risk of this crime, you will need to enlist all the legal, psychological and emotional support you can get. You are fighting for your child’s life. In general, your best bet in all types of abusive situations is to speak up loudly and clearly. Hoping that the problem will resolve itself or remaining silent to avoid embarrassment is simply agreeing to the abuse. There is help for you and your child.
