We may care about moisturizing with a new layer of washcloths, or we may import the efforts we make to calm our stomach or our silence, but some narcissists do not change. In this case, we may be able to make the most of the relationship. It is a reasonable and useful option at the moment. But in some cases, this is not an option.
It may be difficult to contact your narcissistic parent. There is no more possibility of combining all the privileges with an ex-narcissist if you have a set of children. You cannot ignore your parent or your child’s parent, and you cannot pay the prize. The prize includes a stressful, painful loss, seeing the juridical prizes that are intense. But there is no additional security to continue working, it is not worth the attention. And so?
This is the area of management, it does not change. Self-protection does it for your main goal. Limit contacts if you can contact them, like any toxic relationship. You will also benefit from some simple strategies and rules. I will explain some of these strategies in detail in Chapter 9 of Compensating for Narcissism. But for now, keep in mind that the goal is to channel narcissism, not to favor closeness. In the meantime, you can write a contract contract.
In a contract contract, you can clearly state what the person who wants your presence must go through. It is a way to fix boundaries by providing rules and monitoring.
A child’s voiceover might explain a contact contract to a mother: I don’t live with crisis and criticism. If I enter one or the other, I will participate. I will see you, but this is what you must decide if you want it or not to stay home like before.
A mother, explaining a contract to her ex-son and her partner, for Ceci: We must focus on the protection plan for the holidays. I’d be happy to have this current conversation, but if you mean accusations, reprimands, or other attacks, I’d say you’re not measuring this communication and we’ll go back later.
A woman explaining a contract to her roommate:
We need to talk about the cleaning situation and how to set a schedule. If the conversation becomes another laundry list of my problems, it shows me that you’re not ready to set a schedule yet and we’ll have to put it aside and discuss it again another time.
The point of a communication contract is to explain the behaviors that will end the conversation. The focus is on what keeps you present, not what makes you happy. If you’ve gotten to this point, your presence is what you should be promising.
