Casual relationships are a very personal thing – it’s a personal choice based on your values and beliefs. Some people have just had a casual relationship, some have had multiple casual relationships, some do it a lot, some have never had a casual relationship – and some will never have a casual relationship. I respect everyone’s beliefs, morals, values, and all religions. The purpose of this post is not to morally police or judge, nor is it to spark a conversation that will mitigate something I believe we can better understand (and not judge).
I want to share with you everything I wish I had been told about casual relationships.
I think casual relationships are very confusing, unnecessarily judged, and very contradictory.
They are either portrayed as exciting, intense, passionate encounters (romanticized in movies, books, and on TV) or they are seen as desperate and rude. Regardless, neither is constructive. They are destructive.
Think about it—the walk of shame is often described as the aftermath of a one-night stand. Because of all the contradictory elements, there’s a lot of information that focuses on one party or the other. That’s fine, but I think this kind of black-and-white analysis taints our perception of a one-night stand in a way that doesn’t serve anyone or anything—other than perpetuating stereotypes and ignorant assumptions.
So far in my life, I’ve had two one-night stands. One was a one-night stand and the other was a one-night stand… that turned into a relationship… that lasted over a year. Looking back, both had a degree of shame attached to them. The shame ruined the relationship I had with myself, and if it turned into a relationship, it ruined the other person.
Just as there are two different versions of a one-night stand, there are two different types of reactions that most people get when they share their one-night stand experiences. There’s either this kind of bro-like handshake encouragement or… the listener realizes that this is a great opportunity to secretly put themselves on a higher moral and psychological level. They do this by emotionally withdrawing and making negative judgments (even though, more often than not, these people have done things that are more morally and psychologically questionable than having a one-night stand).
No judgment here on this blog. Never.
I used to think that one-night stands and dignity could never coexist.
I was wrong.
Whatever your beliefs, whether you’re having a one-night stand or if you choose to have one-night stands in the future…
There is a way to deal with it where your dignity is intact, your boundaries are respected, and you don’t fall off your white horse.
There are many reasons why people have one-night stands (whether it’s just once or regularly):
It’s a way to connect with another person at a time when emotional connection can be painful and risky.
The carrot is dangling. It’s a way to see if we’re truly irresistible, attractive, and special (we have a one-night stand and then tie our value to seeing if the other person will pursue us and want more).
It’s a way, at least for one night, to be the person we want to be regularly (more spontaneous, more open, more sexual, more relaxed, less anxious, more adventurous, etc.).
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It’s an escape.
It’s a superficial, carefree, fun connection through substantial (and hopefully satisfying) physical means.
It’s a way to prove that you’re attractive and desirable without having to put yourself in an emotional and relational place (where there’s a higher chance of rejection). And there’s a much lower chance of rejection when it comes to no-strings-attached sex.
It can be a form of compulsive avoidance. Being so preoccupied with “living in the moment” gives you a valid license to avoid confronting the deeper issues that may be causing this behavior.
What to do in a one-night stand…
As long as…
You don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Everything is consensual and safe.
No one is breaking the law.
No one is being physically or emotionally hurt or abused.
You’re both of the right ages (physical age and emotional age).
Your boundaries are respected.
There’s one thing in common: you’re both looking for/desiring the same thing.
Communication is clear.
You don’t have unrealistic expectations. And no one is trying to wake up engaged the next morning.
Don’t make yourself feel better in the moment at the expense of the other person’s heart and emotional well-being.
You do it to add to your already wonderful life and life experiences—not literally to make your life, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and the experience.
You are aligned with your morals, values, and beliefs.
…I don’t see the problem here.
I also don’t see the need for shame, guilt, or judgment—from yourself or others.
Don’t…
Put a bandage on the cancer of loneliness and insecurity.
Emotionally cut off in the name of confirming a self-fulfilling prophecy that you’re not worthy of a real relationship.
Try an experiment to see if you’re good enough to convince the other person that they want more (whether it’s more sex, a relationship, or whatever).
Demand validation, attention, love, or approval.
Fill in the blank because you don’t know how to be alone. You’re desperate for real love but you’re always in a state of obsession. You crave intimacy but feel like you don’t have the social skills or confidence to do anything more than physical intimacy.
Feed the addiction. For some people, casual relationships are a complete addiction. Because you feel worthless and unloved, you become addicted to feeling wanted, special, and loved for one night.
If you’re having a one-night stand…
Never think that having a one-night stand will change anyone – you or the other person.
Don’t do it if you already know you’re going to get a hangover from drinking too much alcohol.
Don’t do it if you know you’re going to get emotionally attached/dependent/clingy/anxious. Also, don’t do it to test/prove to yourself that you can do it without being attached. You’ll lose every time.
Don’t do it if you’re using a one-night stand to try to make the other person (or situation) feel a way you can’t make yourself feel.
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Don’t do it to get over your ex (even if they were toxic. This will only highlight their absence more if you don’t do the emotional work. A one-night stand won’t erase or replace anyone).
I also suggest not doing it if you’re drunk or on drugs. It’s a bad, unsafe look.
Keeping Your Dignity Intact…
The best way to keep your dignity intact is to communicate through your words and actions that you respect yourself. Don’t lie and say you’ve never had a fling if you have. Just be yourself. If you’re old enough to have a fling, you’re old enough to be honest.
If you ever feel like you can’t be yourself, walk away. You’re either with the wrong person or you feel like you’re wrong – either way, save yourself the shame, guilt, and heartbreak. Don’t continue.
I wish there wasn’t this fear of reputation that always came with flings when I was younger.
I wish I wasn’t told that flings are shameful, that they’ll make you look bad, that they’ll give you a bad reputation, etc.
I wish I was just told that if you end up in a place where you’re looking for this type of connection, all you have to do is take a step back and ask yourself why you want it. That’s it.
If you’re doing it for the wrong reasons, you should prioritize finding more sustainable relationships like real, mutual friendships (with yourself first and foremost) and spending time alone. Get to know yourself, discover what you want, and go for it.
Little by little, you’ll start to enjoy your own company. Soon, the idea of being alone won’t trigger such strong emotional triggers, leaving you to chase hot and heavy moments—which ultimately ends up leading to a lonelier life than before.
I’ve always been told, “Natasha, you’ll regret it.” “Don’t do it.” “You’ll look like a slut.”
I think that was a lot easier for people to say than, “Just make sure you don’t have zero self-esteem and can’t handle your loneliness and insecurities and your life and yourself.
If all of that is right, I promise you that you will feel safe in whatever you choose to do or not do. And you won’t care what anyone else thinks because you will act unapologetically, powerfully, and confidently according to your moral compass and your rules – not anyone else’s.
Do I regret one-night stands? Not at all.
And not because I did them for the right reasons and didn’t make mistakes. It’s because I learned as a result and stopped letting shame define me.
What defines us is growth and development from the lessons learned – not the shame that comes from acting on the insecurities we all feel.
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