When society teaches us that confidence is the holy grail of success, there is only one clear winner—the narcissist. In Western society, narcissists are successful in all walks of life. They are more likely to win over strangers and get a date. They even perform better in job interviews, to the point where job seekers recommend that they “mimic the narcissist.”
We may feel helpless against the lure of narcissists, then. We may feel like they always win. But is that really the case?
I didn’t think so. I was raised by Asian immigrant parents. Many of the values they instilled in me throughout my life conflicted with American values. Instead of being taught to be confident, I was, like many other Asian Americans, told to be humble and self-deprecating, traits that unfortunately don’t bode well in Western society. However, I was also taught to value traits like caring and kindness over brashness and charm. As a teenager, my mother advised me to “never trust a man who knows how to talk.”
As I browsed the literature on the appeal of narcissists, I noticed that, as with most of the psychological literature, almost all of the studies were conducted using mostly European or European American samples. I wanted to know whether Asian Americans, who often prioritize interpersonal traits, would also succumb to the lure of narcissists. To answer this question, my research team and I conducted a speed-dating study, testing whether personality traits, including narcissism and communal traits (kindness, tolerance, and trustworthiness), predicted speed-dating success. We conducted 15 speed-dating sessions in which 262 single Asian Americans went on 3-minute speed dates with the opposite sex. We predicted that even in these speed dates, participants would be attracted to kindness (i.e., communal traits) and other traits that emphasize caring for others, rather than narcissism.
Here’s what we found. Societal traits predicted greater speed-dating success. While narcissism didn’t turn people off, it didn’t turn people on either. And these findings were consistent across genders. So while studies using mostly European/European American samples have found that nice guys finish last, we found instead that nice guys and women among Asian Americans finish first.
We don’t yet have the full story about why Asian Americans aren’t attracted to narcissists. I’d love to know exactly what narcissists did or said to lose their charm. I’d also like to identify the specific values that provide “resistance” to narcissists. Still, this study tells us something very important—narcissists don’t have to win. So we may not always have to “imitate narcissists” to be liked or to get hired. In order to move toward this goal for all, perhaps we can try to cultivate and recognize kindness instead of unjustified trust.
