Do you know someone who is in constant need of approval, attention, and praise?
So maybe you are dealing with someone in need.
While we all have needs, especially socially, needy people struggle to control these needs and become domineering over the people around them.
According to couples therapist Julie Noland, neediness is a set of behaviors centered around the belief: “I am unable to see my worth, and I want you to make me feel better about myself and my world.”
In this article, we’ll go over 6 behaviors of needy people, and then discuss how you can deal with them.
1) They need to be around people all the time.
You may be dealing with a very needy person if you find that they cannot be alone for a long period of time.
They feel the need to be around people to feel happy and have fun. Aside from being an extrovert (someone who gets their energy from other people), they can also be a needy person.
According to Marcia Reynolds Psy.D. , in Psychology Today, one of the main reasons people tend to be needy is that social needs fuel our drive to “connect with others and succeed.”
After all, Reynolds suggests that “your needs emerge from your ego identity, which was formed based on what you discovered would help you survive and thrive.”
It is possible that people in need subconsciously believe that being around other people all the time is crucial to their survival.
And to some extent, they’re right, but maybe they’re just too excited about it.
Obviously, it’s not a bad thing if they surround themselves with people who also want to be around lots of other people all the time, but it can be a problem if they hang out with the wrong people who just want to be left alone.
So try to cut them some slack. We all have social needs, and they may have more needs in this area than you do.
2) They need the approval of others for what they do.
Needy people generally ask a lot of others, so if they are always brought up for ideas by friends or family members before they do anything, they may actually be needy.
It’s not the end of the world, this is just a matter of trust.
According to Beverly D. Flaxington in Psychology Today, needy people often struggle to make connections with others, so when they meet someone they can connect with, they tend to hold on tight:
Needy individuals, says Támara Hill, MS, LPC in Psych Central, “will strive, at the expense of their self-esteem, to be accepted by others in some way.”
This can lead to needy people acting in ways they wouldn’t normally.
What needy people don’t tend to understand is that it’s not really possible for everyone to love them, and that’s a goal that will likely leave them unfulfilled.
3) They ask for the opinion of others before making decisions.
A person’s need may shine when faced with having to make a decision.
If they look to everyone but themselves to tell them what to do, they’re probably trying to make sure they don’t let anyone down.
It may also be due to the fact that they don’t trust themselves and need others to tell them how to act or guide their choices.
Then, if they turn out to be wrong in your endeavor, they can blame others for influencing that decision.
Not only do they play the victim in the story, but they also claim ignorance of what happened.
Again, at the heart of attachment theory is the assumption that every human being has a basic underlying drive to connect and feel part of a social group.
When someone is having difficulty making a decision, it may directly refer to the fact that they are afraid of making the wrong decision on behalf of the group, which could lead to rejection.
As mentioned earlier, this may be because they were rejected as a child.
Craig Malkin Ph.D. He explains in Psychology Today:
4) They need others to say they are right.
Needy people have the unique ability to prove themselves right. If they can’t be wrong, they might be needy.
Even when they know they’re completely wrong, are they still working to prove some element of their argument right?
This is because they will lose faith in themselves if others know they are wrong. It’s something to be proud of.
5) They should be front and center.
Destitution befalls us all from time to time and there is nothing wrong with needing to rest your head on someone’s shoulder for the sake of care and compassion.
But if this is their deal 24/7 and they seem to have run out of said shoulders to cry on, then they might need to take a look at what you’re doing to get people out of their lives.
According to Beverly D. Flaxington in Psychology Today, some needy people become so arrogant that you can’t give them all the time they crave:
If they need to be the center of attention all of the time, it’s time to reflect on why that is and do some work to improve their outlook and interactions with others.
They are not a curse and can be undone so that not only can they turn to people during times of need, but they can be there for people who might need their help as well.
If they’re the ones always looking to the rescue, it’s time to make amends.
Start by helping other people and then take it one day at a time and see when they let themselves be the victim.
Because a needy person needs to realize that if you force yourself to be the center of everything, you are pushing people away.
6) They are very jealous
If you’ve ever dated a needy guy, you’ve probably noticed that he gets incredibly jealous when he talks to someone of the opposite sex.
According to psychologist Nicole Martinez in Bustle:
Obviously, part of this has to do with insecurity, too. Perhaps they fear that they are not good enough for their partner, or that they do not fully trust their partner.
The problem is that when someone is jealous, they tend to act somewhat irrationally, which can be a difficult burden to deal with if you are dating a needy person who is jealous.
Bustle explains why jealousy really doesn’t allow logic:
It is important to keep in mind that emotionally stable people can also engage in the behaviors listed above. The above signs should only point to someone in need if they are consistent over a long period of time.
Also, sometimes it’s important to realize that the person you’re with is not needy in terms of their personality, but may be a dynamic in your relationship. For example, if you are the boss, chances are they will crave your approval so they can get a promotion.
How to deal with the needy
Whether you’ve just survived your first encounter with a needy person or you’ve been trying to alienate a certain person for years now, you need a strategy to make this type of relationship work.
You may have noticed that the needy person in your life is mostly a “taker” and doesn’t have much room in their life to help you out of tight spots, deal with your problems, or even just offer a good word now and then.
If you decide to support this person, or even allow them to be in your life for a little bit, you will need to set some rules, give yourself plenty of space away from them, and remember to put your needs before them.
If you’re dealing with a needy person, here’s how to deal with them and make sure they take care of you first.
1) Be clear about what is acceptable.
When you are dealing with someone in need, you need to be very clear about how much time and energy you can put into them and their needs.
Even if you just met someone and realize they’re going to be annoying to you, but you still want to be friends with them anyway, you need to make sure you don’t let them cross lines or put you in any compromising situations.
According to Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT, you need to fight their strength and assert your own logic and needs when dealing with a narcissist. I’m not saying needy people are narcissists, but I think this tip is helpful for dealing with needy people as well.
She says to use verbal insults that demand respect and bring your mind to the fore, such as:
“I won’t talk to you if you…”
“Maybe. I’ll consider it.”
“I do not agree with you.”
“What did you say to me?”
“Stop or I’m gone.”
Don’t overstep your beliefs or make you do things you wouldn’t normally do to make them feel better.
It is important to outline what this person can and cannot do. There will come a time when you may have to sit down with them and explain these boundaries, but for now, put them in your mind and make sure you stick to them.
2) Give yourself space when you need it.
When dealing with a needy person, you need to give yourself the time and space to step back from having to deal with them.
What you will find during all of this is that you will be exhausted from having to deal with someone in need.
They will take everything you have and it will be important that you give yourself time to recover and recharge your batteries.
It may seem selfish, especially if your needy friend isn’t doing well on his own, but in order to show up in front of him, you have to take care of yourself.
As your relationship goes on, you need to be clear about when you can and can’t help and not stress yourself out for them.
You cannot fill someone else’s cup from an empty jug.
3) Realize that you cannot change this person.
One thing you may find yourself doing is trying to help your friend or family member in need above and beyond the call of duty, making things worse.
You are not responsible for changing their lives and you cannot take responsibility for trying to make them less needy.
In any case, the evidence is somewhat controversial as to whether people can change personality traits.
I think people can definitely become less needy and clingy. But this is about developing security and confidence within themselves.
The reason I advise against trying to “change someone” is because it is very difficult to do, especially if you are not a trained therapist.
As mentioned before, you have to look out for yourself and be honest with them. You don’t want to stretch yourself more than you can.
You can help them and offer them insight, but don’t get caught up in the drama that is their life.
Maybe they’ve always been this way or maybe they’re just starting to show signs of neediness, but no matter their history, you can’t treat them like a project.
It distracts you from your life and your needs.
4) Agree to disagree.
If there is one thing that is true about dealing with a needy person, it is that they want you to agree with them about everything because they need to be right.
Even if you know they are wrong, they want you to agree with them. As part of setting boundaries, you will only need to agree to disagree with them.
I guess it’s not your job to correct them or educate them about things. You’ll find it hard to let things slide, but you don’t have to put them right.
5) Put yourself first.
Dealing with someone in need will take a lot out of you.
Even if you decide you no longer want them in your life, moving on from them will be difficult.
The lingering effect of needy people is profound and makes you feel like a bad person for keeping them out of your life.
It’s okay to do what’s right for you and make sure you take care of your own needs. It’s so easy to get caught up in other people’s lives and take over their drama without even realizing it.
Putting yourself first means doing what’s right for you, even if it means you can’t be friends with this person anymore.
You may also like reading:
Signs of a narcissist: No-bullsh*t guide to identifying a narcissist
3 ways to spot a malignant narcissist (and how to deal with them)
