Narcissists are an incredibly subtle bunch. They act in such a way that others think that being around a narcissist is the best possible outcome for their social life.
Narcissists are able to give others the kind of attention and engagement that makes their “targets” feel good about themselves in the early stages of getting to know them. It’s only when the narcissist feels they’ve successfully hooked the target that the target realizes they’ve fallen into their trap.
What are some signs that a narcissist is trying to lure you into their trap?
The person seems to be courting you through compliments, but they’re making sure that you and others realize how great the person offering the compliments is and how lucky you are to have them notice you.
The person you’ve just met hangs on every word you say, and seems very focused on the conversation, but they use the first break in the conversation to make sure that you know how great their own experiences are too.
The person goes out of their way to help you while making sure that you realize how much “effort” they’ve put in for you in doing this work.
The person creates a relationship where they are the total power and you have no choice but to agree to what they want, while you are told how lucky you are to have them in your life.
The person will turn every conversation into a reason to brag about their own accomplishments, whether real or imagined.
The person responds to your need for reassurance or emotional support with a story about how they have dealt with greater challenges in incredibly successful ways.
The person deals with failure by blaming you and anyone else who might do it instead of taking responsibility for themselves.
The person looks for ways to make you feel small in order to feel larger than life.
Research shows that there are two distinct types of narcissism: grandiosity and vulnerability. The grandiose narcissist initially attracts people to them through their charm, but their need for power and self-obsession can short-circuit relationships with otherwise balanced and psychologically healthy individuals. Narcissists are more likely to be less generous to others and more willing to punish others out of revenge. The fear of negative retaliation may be the only force motivating loyalty or affection from their partners.
Unfortunately, there are also “fixers” who believe they have the skill set to change the narcissist for the better and are willing to enter the ring for a few bouts before they realize the mistakes they are making.
A vulnerable narcissist is likely to come across as selfish and distrustful of others. They do not need a large audience like grandiose narcissists do and are likely to be introverted; however, they still need unconditional loyalty and admiration from their partners. They belittle and blame others for not realizing how valuable the narcissist truly is while boosting their self-esteem at the expense of others. Again, “fixers” may try to connect with and connect with these individuals, but they do not get much in return for their efforts except the expectation that they will be willing to praise and support their partners when everyone else turns against them.
Unfortunately, a relationship with a narcissist can move quickly, as narcissists know how to quickly create their fan clubs before the targeted members realize that the main artist’s offer is a sham.
One of the most important lessons we learn from the mistakes we make in relationships is that we usually have some sense of what’s coming next. Most toxic relationships raise a “red flag” long before the relationship is established.
So, if you’re in the early stages of a relationship and you notice your potential partner engaging in any of the behaviors listed, and you sense that something is “off,” listen to your gut and walk away before you allow yourself to be drawn into a toxic alliance.
If alarm bells are ringing when a potential partner flatters you, belittles you, teases you, or pesters your friends with stories of their ingenuity at the expense of others, watch out for warning signs. If every gift you receive turns into a cross you have to carry as a sign of someone’s generosity, loyalty, and proof of something other than a token of affection, reject the gift and reject the giver.
Narcissists are typically unwilling and unable to change their ways. Their selfish integrity is built around their inflated integrity. When you build your identity on fantasy and exaggeration, it’s dangerous to get too close to authenticity and honesty.
