Although narcissists act superior to others and pretend to be flawless, their deepest fears lie beneath their imposing exterior: that they are flawed, illegitimate, and normal.
We know from basic research and theory on narcissism that narcissists develop a “false self,” or “as if” persona, to hide their insecurities and flaws.
Narcissists who grew up in a state of over-empowerment expect the world to treat them as special as their parents did, without having to do anything to deserve such treatment.
Narcissists who grew up in a state of under-empowerment live on a wheel of self-aggrandizement, seeking to cover up their shame for falling short of the impossibly high standards their parents set for them.
In both cases, narcissists live behind an endlessly constructed facade designed to attract attention and special treatment while concealing flaws and weaknesses they dare not confront.
Narcissists are fearful and vulnerable people. Rejection, humiliation, and even the smallest defeat can shake them to their core.
This makes narcissists completely focused on their image. They believe that the way others see them, and the way they see themselves, will protect them from the realities of life that few of us like but most of us accept. Realities like:
- None of us are perfect.
- We all have our limits.
- We can’t have everything we want.
- There will always be someone younger, prettier, richer, or more successful.
- In the end, we all grow old and die.
Narcissists, who are loath to acknowledge these universal truths, rarely acknowledge, let alone embrace, that being human sometimes means having doubts, feeling alone, making mistakes, and living in despair. To narcissists, such experiences are seen as weakness, which they cannot tolerate.
As a result, narcissists live on constant guard, viewing everyone as a potential competitor. The strategies of narcissists may vary—they may become braggarts, showboats, charmers, martyrs—but the goals are the same: to win every time while always avoiding losing face.
Hiding in a version of reality that is more convenient for them, narcissists lie and distort so easily that they become convinced that whatever they say in the moment is the truth and right. To many around them, this conviction may be convincing unless you discover the dynamic behind the man behind the curtain.
If this existence sounds lonely and stressful, it is. But narcissists, like many sharks, can’t stop moving or they will die. In their never-ending quest for attention and approval, they manipulate, bully, and brag. These tactics and projections inevitably unload the narcissist’s unclaimed loneliness and exhaustion on those around them.
For those of us who have narcissists in our lives, knowing all of this can be liberating. Understanding narcissists’ fear of looking bad can help us empathize with their transgressions and lack of empathy.
Recognizing their fear of being outed can help us understand why even the most innocuous events can trigger their anger.
Understanding their fear of being seen as average may help explain their inability to meet others as equals or seek win-win solutions.
However, empathizing with and understanding narcissists does not diminish our responsibility to protect ourselves from narcissistic manipulation and abuse.
When interacting with narcissists, ask yourself what the costs are. Consider whether those costs are worth spending one more minute than necessary around an unhealthy narcissist.
Narcissists will always find others to feed their ego. You don’t have to be the meal. Your time, attention, presence, emotional health, and self-esteem are precious gifts. Give them wisely.
