Triangulation refers to a specific behavior that can occur in a conflict between two people. This tactic can occur in almost any type of relationship—between friends, family members, romantic partners, or even coworkers.
Triangulation occurs when one or both people involved in a conflict try to draw a third person into the dynamic, often with the goal of:
Diffusing some tension
Creating another conflict to take the spotlight off the original issue
Enhancing their sense of rightness or superiority
For example, a couple who are fighting might turn to a roommate, encouraging them to take sides or help resolve matters.
People with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies may also use triangulation, typically to maintain control of situations by manipulating others.
This manipulative tactic can leave you feeling off-balance, if not more deeply. You may notice a creeping sense of insecurity and begin to doubt and question yourself.
Wondering what drives this behavior? Looking for helpful coping strategies? We spoke to an expert to get some answers.
What It Looks Like
Before we delve into the motivations behind this behavior, it’s important to understand the different ways that narcissistic triangulation can manifest in different scenarios.
Here are some examples to consider.
In Relationships
Triangulation is one way that a partner with a narcissistic personality may work to maintain control in a relationship.
People with narcissism don’t always use blatant abusive tactics, such as name-calling or aggression and violence. Instead, they often use manipulative tactics, such as gaslighting, silent treatment, or triangulation, to maintain the upper hand.
If you provide the praise and admiration they’re looking for, they may find a relationship with you quite fulfilling. But they want to make sure you continue to give them the attention they need, so they subtly throw you off balance to prevent you from trying to leave the relationship.
They might say, holding out their phone to show you a picture of their last partner, completely naked. “Look, they keep sending me pictures, saying they want me back.”
They look at the picture for a long time, then at you, then back at the picture.
They might add, “Honestly, I’m not sure why we broke up anymore. We had the craziest sex. And it was great.”
They might still bring up their ex from time to time, reminding you of the hot, sexy person they want back. They’re not explicitly comparing the two of you, but they’re hinting that you had a better time together.
As a result, you might feel insecure and start to worry that they’re going to leave you for their ex. You might also work harder to meet their needs and desires to earn similar praise.
Either outcome can make it easier for them to manipulate you to get what they want.
Between Parents and Children
Parents with narcissism typically use triangulation in one of two main ways.
Eleanor Greenberg, Ph.D., a Gestalt therapist and author of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizotypal Adaptations: The Quest for Love, Admiration, and Security, explains that a narcissistic parent may pull a child into a triangulation when the other parent loses patience and leaves the relationship.
This narcissistic parent may buy a child’s love by:
Offering rewards that the other parent wouldn’t normally allow
Lying or manipulating older children to convince them that the fault lies with the parent who left them
Ignoring reasonable rules and boundaries set by the other parent
The child may then respond by providing the parent with the admiration and love they need and no longer receive from the other parent.
If the other parent chooses to return to the relationship to better protect their child, they may find that the child sides with the narcissistic parent.
In short, the narcissistic parent separates the child from the other parent.
Favorite Child vs. Scapegoat
The narcissistic parent may also triangulate by deceiving children. They may designate one child as the good, or favored, child while the other serves as a scapegoat for fault and blame, Greenberg explains.
Parents may alternate their attention, occasionally elevating the scapegoat and belittling the favorite, or they may simply hint that the scapegoat needs to work harder to earn their love and affection.
In both cases, they typically give only one child positive attention at a time.
The other child, who feels neglected and ignored, tends to work harder to earn attention by competing with a sibling or making a sincere effort to please the parent (or both).
They never know when they might earn the love and validation they crave, so they keep working for it. The occasional kind word or other positive reinforcement from a parent will only make them try harder to earn similar rewards.
Between Friends and Coworkers
Triangulation often shows up in workplace interactions or friend group dynamics, because it provides a passive-aggressive way for someone to undermine a potential rival and regain control of social situations.
Example 1
Have you ever had a friend who said, “You’re my best friend” one day and then whispered it to you behind your back the next?
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People with narcissistic traits may regularly use this tactic to keep others competing for positive attention.
They may also promote someone who seems to be in a better position temporarily to help them get something they want, whether it’s a job recommendation, an introduction to a significant other, or something more tangible.
Example 2
Your boss has just asked you to take the lead on a new project. It’s a big responsibility, but you’re excited: You know you can handle the project and do a great job.
One of your coworkers assigned to work with you on the project is deeply resentful of your role. They just know that they’re better than you and could have done a much better job.
This coworker has narcissistic defenses, but he doesn’t overtly display these traits. Instead, he tends to use more subtle tactics to get the approval and attention he needs.
So he approaches your boss, expressing some concerns about your ability to handle the project with hesitation.
He might say, “I didn’t want to bring this up, but I’m so worried. They’re having a lot of relationship issues, and several times in the last month they’ve been so stressed that they haven’t been able to keep up with their tasks. “I’ve done most of the work, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want anyone to know they couldn’t handle it.”
You’re confused when your boss reassigns you to a support role, giving your coworker the lead. You’re even more confused when he pulls you aside and says, “We’re all worried about you. Just let me know if you have more work than you can handle, and we’ll figure it out.”
What’s the motivation?
People can triangulate unintentionally, often when they’re having trouble addressing conflict directly and want support from friends and loved ones.
Narcissistic triangulation, on the other hand, happens intentionally.
It uniquely serves the needs of a person with narcissism because it allows them to use both parties as a source of narcissistic supply, Greenberg explains.
It also provides an opportunity to devalue one person while nurturing and bringing someone else closer. They can later use them as a constant source of praise and admiration or manipulate them further in pursuit of their own goals.
This tactic can also create a rift in the relationship dynamic, allowing the narcissist to turn two people against each other and remain dominant.
By devaluing one person, they can make themselves look better and achieve their goals more easily. Triangulation also prevents others from ganging up on them. If you’re competing for the preferred role, you’re not working together to counter them.
How to Respond
Once you recognize the signs of narcissistic triangulation—constant comparisons, for example, or the classic, “I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but I think you should know what so-and-so said about you”—you may wonder how to respond more effectively.
Defending your position in the face of divide-and-conquer tactics is easier said than done, but these strategies can help.
Have a Direct Conversation
Breaking the triangle out of the open can be difficult, especially when you don’t like any kind of conflict and the other person seems to be intentionally trying to undermine you or treat you poorly.
It can help to remember that people with narcissism often try to manipulate and maintain control to protect their fragile self-concept and vulnerability.
This certainly doesn’t excuse their behavior, but recognizing it can give you some useful tools for dealing with the situation.
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Try talking to them privately to explain that you’re aware of their behavior. Once they know you understand their game and won’t participate, they may stop before they try to use the same tactics against you again.
Create Your Support
If a manipulative person is spreading lies or gossip to diminish your value to others, it’s worth the effort to clarify.
You don’t even have to mention the person’s name. You can start by saying, “I’ve heard some rumors about me. I’m not sure where it started, but…” Then explain why these things aren’t true and offer your side of the story.
Stay calm and avoid the temptation to spread gossip yourself. Maintaining a sense of integrity will only help strengthen your position as the person who was wronged.
This may not always work, as some people may still believe the gossip. However, you are likely to find a lot of support, especially from others who have been through something similar. Making new friends can make it easier to overcome gossip and stand up to manipulation in the future.
You can also try this tactic with your supervisor if triangulation tactics are putting your work in question.
You could, for example, explain that you’ve heard some false rumors and gossip, and then give some examples of your hard work.
SetBoundaries
You may not always find it possible to prevent narcissistic triangulation. Even if you cut off all ties with someone, nothing is stopping them from talking about you with others who are still in your life.
You may have to accept and ignore what they’ve already said or implied about you, but you don’t need to allow them to manipulate you further.
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This can be difficult when you work with the triangle or see them at family gatherings.
If you end up spending time with them and they fail to respect the boundaries you’ve set, try setting some boundaries for yourself instead:
- Ignore their attempts to seduce or manipulate you.
- Refuse to get involved in competitions, attempts to flatter or promote you, or personal secrets.
- Protect your emotional well-being by building a network of supportive friends and loved ones.
- Stay away from situations where you find yourself alone with them.
- Avoid sharing any personal details with them.
Conclusion
People with narcissism usually only change when they choose to make an effort, so you can’t always stop narcissistic triangulation.
When you’re struggling to find productive responses and protect your well-being when engaging with someone who uses these tactics, a therapist can provide guidance and help you put together a set of helpful coping skills.
