You feel played again. But you are also confused. It appears that the narcissist attacked you, but it was so indirect that you question your reality.

Now you feel threatened and insecure. It also seems that other people are upset with you, and you’re not quite sure what you did wrong!

If all of this sounds familiar, you may have suffered from narcissistic triangulation. Triangulation is a cunning weapon that narcissists use to control others. It is a form of psychological abuse, but it can be difficult to detect.

Let’s get into what you need to know.

What is narcissistic triangulation?

Narcissistic triangulation refers to how narcissists use other people or situations to make themselves feel better. They are introducing a “third party” to change the dynamic.

Sometimes, their efforts at triangulation are obvious to all. Other times, this procedure is more subtle.

Narcissists often use triangulation in their most important relationships. You will see this with partners, children, and close friends. It’s how they maintain their power and the status quo.

Here are some examples to show how this dynamic works.

Narcissistic triangulation in romantic relationships

Bob is a narcissist who is jealous of the attention his beautiful wife Erin gets when they go out. Bob constantly worries that Erin will cheat on him with another man. One day, Bob comes home and tells Erin that he is no longer friends with his best friend, Carl. Bob says that Carl has confirmed that he has a crush on Erin.

However, Bob exaggerated the situation (as many narcissists do). Maybe Carl complimented Irene on her dress, and Bob took it as he liked it.

Erin, of course, feels very guilty about what happened. Bob now has the upper hand and maintains a sense of control in the relationship. His strategy temporarily draws in more of Erin’s attention, affection, and sympathy, all of which feed into Bob’s narcissistic supply.

Erin now feels more responsibility to prove her loyalty to Bob. Furthermore, Bob goes on to tell his other friends that Carl had a crush on another man’s wife. This results in them feeling uncomfortable with Carl, which makes Bob feel even more powerful.

Narcissistic triangulation in parenting

Dan and Linda are separated but co-parenting. Linda is a narcissist who believes she should have full custody of her children. She is angry that the court did not grant her this access.

While Dan tries to maintain firm boundaries with his kids, Linda makes all kinds of exceptions. She has no problem twisting the rules to become the “favorite” parent.

Moreover, she often tells her children about all the terrible things Dan did during their marriage. She keeps reminding them how much she loves them – and how Dan just loves his job. She may even make up a lie about him seeing another woman and wanting to have children with her.

Dan feels helpless. He doesn’t want to badmouth his ex in front of the kids, but he doesn’t like feeling like the “bad guy” either.

Narcissistic triangulation in the workplace

Tina and Jane are in similar positions and are both vying for the same upcoming promotion. They are friendly to each other, but Tina is a subtle narcissist who naturally believes she is the best fit for the role.

Jin ends up getting the promotion. A few days later, Tina invited her boss to lunch. Friendly and talkative, she tells her boss that she “feels guilty” for harboring secrets for Jane.

Tina then spends the next 30 minutes confiding in all the mistakes Jane has made. She tells her boss that she is sworn to secrecy, but is genuinely concerned about Jane’s reckless behavior.

The principal believes Tina’s concerns and rescinds the promotion offer. A few weeks later, Jane is demoted from the company while Tina receives the promotion she desires. The chief has no idea that Tina lied. Jane has no idea why she lost her promotion.

Why do narcissists triangulate?

Triangulation is not unique to narcissism. Even healthy people do this sometimes, and it’s commonly talked about in the context of family therapy. For example, a couple going through marital problems might seek counseling. But then they focus on how the treatment isn’t helping them – making the therapist the problem.

However, narcissists often rely on triangulation to keep others “on the right track.” They use it to ensure loyalty and sabotage the successes of others. In other words, it is an extreme form of control.

Narcissists also triangulate because it works. In general, most of us like to give others the benefit of the doubt. Thus, a well-meaning person may not assume that the narcissist has ulterior motives when sharing something. They may fall into their manipulative trap.

Since sympathizers and narcissists often end up in relationships with each other, the narcissist takes advantage of someone else who wants to save them. Empath believes that a narcissist is a flawed but good person. They want to see it change and get better. The narcissist knows that the empath thinks this way and uses it to their advantage.

How do you know if you are experiencing a triangle?

Unfortunately, triangulation can be effective because it is very deceptive and deceptive. You probably have no idea what the narcissist is saying about you behind your back. And even if things seem to be going well in your relationship, that doesn’t mean the narcissist isn’t planning.

Other people suddenly act differently

Do your co-workers stop talking as soon as you enter the room? Is your friend bailing you out or cheating on you all of a sudden?

Sudden personality changes can occur for many reasons, but trisomy can cause it. Narcissists are charming and adept at reading others – they will say whatever they need to try to convince others to believe their delusions.

You feel that you constantly need to prove yourself

No matter what you do, it is not enough. The narcissist always seems to have a problem with the way you respond. And they have no problem putting others at the forefront of your conflict.

If all of this sounds familiar, you’re probably a victim of their triangulation. Not all narcissists are outwardly vindictive and cruel – many rely on more covert techniques to manipulate people. Thus, they will subject you to many “tests” to prove your loyalty.

You feel bullied

Triangulation can feel just like bullying. The narcissist knows your weaknesses and will exploit them for the rest of the world. Plus, they don’t care how their actions affect you.

If you feel intimidated, this is a clear sign of triangulation. Many arrested ex-partners, children, or estranged friends have reported massive bullying from narcissistic relationships.

You know, bullies thrive on tearing others down to make themselves feel good. Narcissists have low self-esteem, and their bullying leads to feelings of superiority. They also benefit from attracting others to their side, which is the backbone of triangulation.

What should you do if you are being triangulated?

Knowing how narcissists treat people is the first step toward recognizing red flags in your relationship. In healthy dynamics, people respect each other. They work through conflicts maturely and without criticism or disdain.

Narcissists, of course, do not abide by these rules. They use triangulation to get what they want, even though it hurts others.

Don’t take it personally

Don’t blame yourself for their behavior. You did nothing wrong. Even if you disagree about something, it doesn’t give anyone an excuse to belittle or undermine you.

So, as a first method, it is important to remind yourself that their narcissistic expectations are not indicative of the actual reality. It doesn’t matter who the “subject” is. When they feel threatened, they will do whatever it takes to exact revenge or restore the status quo.

Irresistible

As you know, narcissists thrive on chaos. Some of them blatantly triangulate people just to get them up.

For example, at the dinner table, a narcissistic father might tell his complaining daughter, “I don’t know why your mom cooked meatloaf for dinner. I know you hate meatloaf! She’s been so busy at work that she probably couldn’t care less about you.”

If you were the parent in this situation, how would you feel? You are likely to be angry, upset, and ashamed. And like most people, you probably want to say something mean in response!

But fighting a narcissist will get you nowhere. They bulge out of conflict and have no problem criticizing you, putting you down, or smearing you until they utterly destroy you. So instead, it is best to avoid giving them the satisfaction of any reaction.

Stop getting involved in the relationship

Being in a relationship with a narcissist always empowers them with their toxic behavior. Even if you set firm boundaries, they will work hard to bend or break them.

Over time, this pattern becomes cumbersome! You will spend more time trying to define your boundaries than you will enjoy the actual relationship.

Triangulation is harmful and psychologically harmful. Not contacting the narcissist is the best way to respond to this vindictive behavior. Making this choice gives you the freedom to pursue your interests, passions, and relationships — without worrying about someone else sabotaging them.