Victims of narcissistic triangulation when they meet with “normals” to share their pain and gain some insight – they encounter responses that make them wonder if the person they’re talking to is blind or stupid.

We love triangulation. Three is a magic number. You and me and someone else or something else. Another victim? competitor? loyal lieutenant? A new possibility? fictional individual? serious event? inanimate object?

There are many triangulation combinations available to us and each has its advantages and rewards of applying it to us. In this equation, we will always be there, there will always be, and then there will be a third party.

Related: The Long-Term Effects of Childhood Trauma In Adulthood

One of our most effective forms of manipulation involves “norms.”
These are people who are neither sympathetic nor narcissistic, but generally, decent people who are reasonable and fairly nice and who may be your supporters, they may be members of our interface but whatever they are they are not you and they are not us.

These are the people you turn to when you can no longer bear what is happening to you. When you can’t understand what’s going on.

When confusion becomes overwhelming. When you start to feel something isn’t quite right. You turn to these naturals in hopes of helping you, understanding your plight, and/or offering some insight.

This is rarely achieved because you are met with responses that make you wonder if the person you just spoke to is blind or stupid. Here are ten instances of this in action.

Are the common people blind or stupid? 10 ways to respond that makes you think

1. I can’t believe it
   Victim – “He’s terrible to me, he never lets me do anything on my own, he screams and calls me terrible names.”

Normal – “Really? I just can’t see Nigel acting like that, he’s always so sweet and friendly when I see him. I can’t believe he would do that.”

2. Do you bring it upon yourself?
   V – “I’m tired of him controlling me. I try to assert myself, you know, set some boundaries, but he always tells me to shut up and calm down and do whatever he wants without any regard for me.”

N – “Well, you’ve always been bitchy my dear, maybe you’re teasing him and that’s why he’s behaving this way. I don’t mean to be harsh but you have a bit of a temper you know.”

Related: How Narcissists Fool You With False Empathy

3. Not that again
   V-“He did it again. He disappeared. I’ve been calling him around the clock every hour and he won’t answer. I don’t know what that is. I mean, everything seemed fine when we woke up this morning, he smiled and asked if I wanted a cup of tea (detailed analysis for each word and interaction after it)

N-shine, thinking to himself “Not this again. I’m bored hearing this. They’ll talk again tomorrow. She doesn’t worry about anything.”

4. I feel sorry for him
   V – “He did this, then this, then this again and he always does this you know. It’s horrible, horrible I tell you. I don’t know what to do. Oh, he did this too and a few other things.”

N – He thinks to himself “I feel so sorry for him with a neurotic like her. No wonder he’s gone for a few days, maybe he needs peace.”

5. Someone is exaggerating
   V – “Not a word lie, he locked me in the bedroom and threatened to burn down the house while I’m inside and I heard him laughing as he said this to me. I’m so scared of him. He keeps threatening to kill me. He calls me at work and comments on how dodgy the brakes are and he laughs and hangs up” the phone “.

N – think to themselves “Sure it does, no one goes on like this, I love my girlfriend but she is an attention seeker. Every day there is one of these stories.”

6. I don’t think so
   V – “So he said if I didn’t do it he would tell everyone in the church that I slept with the pastor and that he would post pictures of me on the internet.”

N – “Who’s Norman? No way, he’s a solid, decent guy. I don’t think he would do anything like that. No, I’ve known him for years, and he wouldn’t do anything like that.”

7. He said she was crazy
   V – “He hides my bag so I can’t go out, tells me what I can and can’t eat, won’t let me more than a minute in the bathroom, and stands watching me while I wash. He follows me around the house and keeps staring at me, I even feel him watching me when I can Go out for a while. I know he follows me.”

N- thinks to himself “It’s just as Neil predicted. He said she was losing her mind and coming up with all these great stories. He’s really worried about her and I can see why now. Poor thing. Poor him too.”

8. Ups and downs
   J – “Sometimes he doesn’t talk to me for days on end. He just sits and ignores me. It’s awful. I hate it.”

N- “It’s just guys for you. They all do it at some point. It’s part of the ups and downs of a relationship, just ignore it and get on with your day, and soon it will come, you’ll see.”

Related: How Narcissists Make You Physically Sick and 5 Ways To Restore Your Health

9. Don’t include me
   V- “Hi Anna, can I come see you? I need to talk to someone. He’s doing it again. He’s spent the last two hours yelling at me and throwing dishes around the kitchen. I’m sick of this, I can’t stand it.”

N – “I’d like to help but I have an appointment. Look I have to go. I’ll call you later” – I’m not drawn to domestic dramas I have my own life to take care of.

10. I have no idea
    V- (after a lengthy description of a catalog of bizarre, bizarre behavior) “What do you think, what should I do? I can’t go on like this.”

N- “I don’t know what to say really, I can’t figure out why he’s nice to you one week and then bad the next, it just adds up. Maybe if you two just sit down and try to work things out.” (I have no clue what’s going on here).

Not once does the “normal” turn to you and say,

“You are being offended by a disturbed person.”

or

“I fell into a narcissistic trap.”

Instead, when you describe the behavior as “normal,” you are met with one or more of the responses detailed above. We know that will be the case. We know it will leave you hurt, confused, and lacking the help and insight you so desperately need. And you keep banging your head against the wall thinking whether conventions are blind or stupid.

Related: 7 Ways To Cope With People Who Want To Bring You Down

Why does “The Normals” respond like this?

1. Lack of knowledge.
   Fortunately, few good people know who we are and what we do.
2. We mix.
   We don’t walk around with a sign around our neck that says, “I am an abusive narcissist.”. People think psychopaths and sociopaths look like crazy ax killers. We do not.
3. People, despite being kind, are not as sympathetic as you.
   Therefore, there is a limit to the time and resources they will provide to help you. People look inward and care more about their lives than yours.
4. Interface.
   Our charm and charisma make people think we are cool and decent people. It’s hard to break that facade. And you constantly wonder if “norms” are blind or stupid.
5. Coping abilities.
   Your coping abilities erode and tire you out. This makes you look unconcerned, hysterical, and thus in line with the image we have spread around of you being crazy.
6. Quiet life.
   People don’t like conflict. They want people to get ahead and they don’t want to get involved in other people’s problems.
7. Behind closed doors.
   People always see that there are two sides to every story. They will listen to you but they think there is probably some explanation which means it is not as bad as you picture it.

You provoke the aggressor, you make it up, you are overly touchy and take things the wrong way. “Normal” life may be different behind closed doors.

8. Peacekeeping.
   People want others to continue, so to try to keep the peace, they will suggest that the behavior is not as bad as has been suggested and pressure the victim to go home and sort things out, not realizing that it is not something that can be settled through a chat and a cup of tea.

9. Tales of Abuse.
   The outrageous treatment seems too far-fetched for the “normal” to believe them. They don’t have experience with it, and besides having the interface, they can’t see how someone could act this way. Therefore, their responses will always make you wonder if they are blind or stupid.

All of this leads to you trying to impress people without success, which only increases your frustration and annoyance. Naturally, we know very well how people will respond to your protests, and a lack of understanding and knowledge about our species allows us to blend in, move freely, and continue to act in this way with impunity.