There’s an unwritten rule that we should love our family unconditionally, so admitting that your sister is a narcissist can make you feel guilty or ashamed.
But dealing with a narcissistic sister can be stressful and affect your self-esteem.
Is your childhood filled with memories of having to hide your accomplishments for fear that your sister would punish you for them?
Did she blame you for her bad behavior and then sit back happily while you were punished?
Did you find yourself going along with her lies because it was easier to keep the peace than to deal with her bullying?
If you’ve experienced any of this type of behavior from your sister, you may be dealing with a narcissist.
This post explains the signs and symptoms of a narcissistic sister and some tips for dealing with them.
Whether you have a severely narcissistic sister or a mildly narcissistic sister, this post will provide you with support and guidance. You’re not alone!
8 Signs and Behaviors Typical of a Narcissistic Sister
If your relationship with your sister is difficult but you’re not sure if you’re dealing with a narcissist,
First ask yourself if you enjoy spending time with her. Do you find it stressful instead?
Related : Why Do Narcissists Lie So Much?
If you feel anxious and scared before you see her, that’s the first sign that something is wrong.
If you find it difficult to talk to her and you never know which side of her to see, that’s a sign that she might be a narcissist.
Here are some other signs to look out for:
- She thinks she’s more important than you
If she thinks she deserves more appreciation from the rest of your family than you do, that could be a clear sign that she’s a narcissist.
Behaviors that reflect this might include constantly making “jokes” about how she’s smarter or better at sports (and everything) than you.
- She needs to be the center of attention
No matter the occasion, she needs to be the center of attention at all times.
Even if it’s your birthday or graduation, she’ll find a way to make it all about her.
This is shown in dominating behaviors that result in attention being diverted from you to them.
Narcissists have a strong need for validation, appreciation, and affirmation (2).
They are always looking for these things to fulfill their narcissistic supply and will do anything to get them.
- They feel they deserve everything
They believe they are the superior sibling and therefore deserve all your parents’ attention, a better job, a better partner, a better family… everything better.
They may even feel they deserve a larger inheritance than you, it’s not a nice thought, but you may want to make sure you get your fair share when/if the time comes.
This can start with small things when you were kids.
For example, she decides she wants a chocolate chip cookie even though you already chose it earlier and makes a fuss until she gets what she wants.
Behaviours in adulthood can include monopolizing conversations to show everyone how important she is to them (3).
She will listen to others just to get a chance to bring the conversation back to her and brag about how great she is.
She may feel like you owe her something when in reality you don’t owe her anything at all.
Years of pretending she’s entitled have trained you to believe this is true.
If you’ve felt unequal between you and your sister since a young age, and this doesn’t seem to change in adulthood, this is a huge sign that you have a narcissistic sister.
- She doesn’t recognize your feelings
Narcissists have a complete lack of empathy and are often only aware of their own feelings (4).
Your narcissistic sister will never be able to put herself in your shoes and won’t recognize any harm she’s done to you.
You may notice that she doesn’t care to hear your stories and struggles but loves to tell you everything about herself and will feel very offended if you don’t listen.
- She’s a pathological liar
If you notice that she exaggerates things a lot—especially her accomplishments—this could be a sign that you’re dealing with a narcissistic sister.
She may even lie about small, everyday things, just for fun!
These lies may build up into exaggerated stories that are increasingly difficult to believe.
If you say you don’t remember it that way or press her for more details, she will get angry at you for questioning her and blame you for making the rest of the family feel sorry for her.
She may even deliberately make up lies about you to hurt your reputation and standing in the family.
- She is extremely jealous of you
Despite the way she acts like she is better than you at everything, a narcissistic sister will actually be extremely jealous of you and will see you as a rival (5).
She will hate it when you get any kind of praise and will always try to gain your parents’ attention.
Manipulation is a behavior strongly associated with this.
She feels so competitive between siblings that she will create stories about you to make you look crazy or weak.
This may include actively tarnishing your name in front of family and friends or more subtle techniques like planting small suggestions that you are unstable.
—-> Read our article “Why Are Narcissists Jealous?” to read more about this topic
- She changes the way she acts with different people
For example, she acts sweet and innocent with your parents to gain their attention and admiration, then completely changes when you are alone together.
She may present different personas to you alone, sometimes acting like a loyal sister and other times being completely bossy.
Narcissists are experts at playing different roles and wearing different masks to get what they want, so beware of this (6).
- She uses triangulation to push you away
Triangulation is a well-known tactic that narcissists often use and involves deliberately turning people against each other using lies and manipulation (7).
Suppose you notice that your sister often tells you what other family members have said about you behind your back. In this case,
This is a sure sign that she is using triangulation to ensure that you and other family members do not unite against her.
Related : Can a Narcissist Change?
It aims to maintain a safe distance between you and other family members so that you do not form bonds without involving her.
This way she can manipulate you all and none of you will be able to connect the dots.
How to deal with a narcissistic sister?
There is no one-size-fits-all way to deal with your narcissistic sister, as each person will be different, with different levels of toxicity.
But here are some general tips that may help you deal with your narcissistic sister.
- Don’t call her a narcissist
Generally speaking, narcissists struggle to think about their own behavior, so criticizing her won’t have any effect, because she won’t be able to see that she actually has a problem.
Instead, she’ll likely insist that it’s you who has the problem and will do everything she can to prove it.
So calling her a narcissist could make your relationship worse.
- Don’t argue with her
For the same reason, arguing won’t help. She won’t gain any insight from your observations, or even listen to them at all, so don’t waste your breath.
Resist the urge to defend yourself when she insists that you are the problem, because getting a reaction from you will be exactly what you want.
Don’t try to outsmart her or play her at her own game, as this will only drain your energy and make her even more determined to win.
Trying not to get emotionally involved is a much better option, as you won’t add fuel to the fire.
- Focus on your choices
Remember that just because she is your sister, doesn’t mean you have to spend time with her.
You can choose to avoid her, limit your time together, or have someone else with you when you see her, so that you are not alone together.
You can choose to set clear boundaries when it comes to interacting with her.
- Set clear boundaries
While you can’t control your sister’s narcissistic behavior, you can control your own behavior.
Instead of trying to change her, look at how you can change your own habits to support yourself.
Look at the ways in which you tolerate her narcissistic behavior and how that may actually support her behavior.
The narcissistic child often takes control of the family, demanding the most attention (8).
You may have gotten used to dealing with this, but you can withdraw your involvement at any time.
Start by silencing her if she speaks to you disrespectfully or tries to insult you, rather than letting her get away with it.
Remember, it’s never too late to set clear boundaries, and it’s better to do so sooner rather than later!
Clearly state your boundaries, so there’s no confusion, and see if they’re helpful or if they become more toxic and needy when you try to get away from them.
You’ll choose to respect or violate your boundaries, so this can be a very helpful approach.
- Gain knowledge about narcissism
The more you know about narcissistic personality disorder, the better you’ll be able to deal with it.
Accept that you have a narcissistic sister and you need to deal with her if you want to continue to have her in your life.
Be aware of what’s unhealthy in your relationship and let go of some of the expectations you may have.
Remember, this is not your fault and there are ways you can cope. Being clear about the situation will help you decide the best way forward.
- Get Support
Dealing with a narcissistic sister can be detrimental to your self-esteem, so it’s important to seek support for yourself.
This can be from friends and other family members who understand or professionals such as counselors and lawyers if necessary.
Seeking support will give you some perspective and help you see that you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of.
Talking about how your narcissistic sister is affecting your life will give you strength and help you find the best course of action when dealing with her.
However, in the end, you deal with the situation, and know that you are not alone and there is a lot of help out there.
- Don’t communicate
If you feel like you’ve tried everything to deal with your narcissistic sister but she won’t give up without a fight and still insists on making your life a living hell, then not communicating may be your only option.
Yes, she is your family but if she is causing you harm, you have every right to cut ties.
Just because someone is your blood, doesn’t mean they should be in your life.
It may not be easy at first, but remember that your health and happiness are more important than anything else.
Try the “Grey Rock” method, which involves not responding to any way the narcissist tries to contact you.
If you stop being a source of narcissistic supply to them, they will eventually leave you and you will be free to heal.
Of course, this is not the only way to deal with a narcissistic sister and should be a last resort, but it may be necessary in very abusive situations.
Should you avoid contact with your narcissistic sister or is it better to keep contact low?
The boring answer to this question is “it depends.” If, for whatever reason, it is impossible to cut off all contact, you should consider using the tips I mentioned above.
However, if there is nothing to gain from the relationship with your sister, you should consider cutting off contact.
Related : Who is the Cerebral Narcissist? Traits, Symptoms, and How to Deal With Them?
Maintaining contact can lead to stress, fights, and more unpleasant situations that you are not joining in.
Try to find support from another family member or if that is not available, try contacting a life coach or psychologist.
They will listen to you and advise you on what you can do. Ultimately, only you can decide what you want to do.
Healing from a Narcissistic Sister
Since narcissists often fail to see their own disturbing behavior, they are unlikely to change their ways (9).
It is possible, through therapy and counseling for narcissists, to become more in touch with their empathy, which may allow them to have healthier relationships.
But this requires them to recognize that they have a problem and understand their narcissistic tendencies.
Most of the time, accepting that your narcissistic sister is not going to change and taking your healing into your own hands is the best path to take.
Setting boundaries and putting yourself first makes it possible to keep your sister in your life and deal with her narcissistic ways.
However, there are varying levels of severity and toxicity, so it is up to you to decide whether it is worth having her in your life or if you need to heal on your own.
