Key Points

Children of narcissists are treated as if they exist only to provide a reflection of the parent, to serve the parent.

It often takes years of frustration and pain for children of narcissists to learn that mom or dad is “not okay.”

Adult children of narcissists tend to be in romantic relationships where they have to suppress themselves in order to please their partners.

The subject of narcissism raises the following question that flashes in neon lights: Why does a narcissist want a child in the first place? Aren’t they so focused on themselves that they don’t care about anyone else, let alone a needy little child who craves constant attention and praise?

Unfortunately, the question assumes a kind of naturalness and order to the parent-child relationship that betrays the very root of narcissism. The truth is that narcissistic parents don’t have children because they want to nurture and guide their offspring throughout life; they have children so that they have an automatic, built-in relationship in which they have the power, a relationship in which the narcissist can write the rules without any checks and balances.

You have to understand this: control over another person is the ultimate prize that every narcissist works hard to win. The reality of narcissistic parenting couldn’t be sadder: The child of a narcissist realizes early on that he or she is there to mirror the parent and serve the parent—not the other way around.

If you comb through online relationship forums and chat rooms devoted to the subject of adult children of narcissists, you’ll find that every commenter has suffered similar bruises at the hands of a narcissistic parent. Reading some of the comments is heartbreaking, raising questions about how strange and illogical it is to have such strict adoption laws when the wrong person can have children at will—and ruin the child’s life without suffering any consequences.

The real tragedy happens behind closed doors at home, just like the physical abuse. The problem with being a child of a narcissistic parent is that it takes years of frustration and pain for these children to realize that mom or dad is wrong; until that point, these children dance as fast as they can, trying to please the narcissistic parent who can’t be pleased. It takes years for them to finally realize that the kind of parenting they are receiving is wrong—if not emotionally abusive.

Related : Growing Up with a Narcissistic Mother

Young children of narcissists learn early in life that everything they do is a reflection of the parent, to the point that the child has to conform to the personality and behavioral molds assigned to them. These children endure tremendous anxiety from an early age as they constantly have to ignore their personalities to please their parents and provide the mirror image that the parent so desperately needs.

If these children fail to comply with the narcissist’s wishes or try to set their own goals for their lives—god forbid—they will be explicitly punished, frozen out, or shunned for some time—hours, days, or even weeks, depending on the perceived transgression in the eyes of the narcissistic parent.

With young children, the narcissistic parent is seen as unpredictable and confusing. After all, narcissists are difficult for adults to understand, so just imagine how confusing a volatile narcissist must be to a young child! Because young children cannot understand the narcissist’s tricks and actions, these children internalize intense shame (“I keep letting Mom down”) which leads to anger that the child directs at himself (“I’m so stupid,” “There’s something wrong with me”). The quality and strength of the bond between the narcissistic parent and young child is generally weak. Deep down, the child does not feel consistently loved, as the child is taught the metaphorical narcissistic parenting program: You are only as good as I say you are, and you will only be loved if you fully conform to my wishes. Simply put, it’s truly heartbreaking for the child – even though the narcissistic parent is completely oblivious.

The life experiences of a narcissist’s child don’t begin to make sense until many years later. Friends often catch glimpses of the “crazy” upbringing these individuals received, so he or she begins to get a healthy reality check like this: “Your mother is crazy” or “Your father is seriously mentally ill.”

How Narcissistic Parenting Affects the Relationships of Narcissistic Children as Adults

Because the bond between the narcissistic parent and child was so distorted and corrupted, the offspring tend to gravitate toward relationships that are filled with drama and ups and downs—especially with romantic partners. Because they didn’t grow up believing that they were inherently good and okay, it makes perfect sense that these individuals would gravitate toward stormy romantic partners later on. These adults feel like a fish out of water in a relationship with someone who loves them constantly, and the experience will be so unfamiliar that it can cause them significant anxiety.

As such, these individuals tend to seek out partners who are emotionally unavailable, critical, or indecisive—just like their mother and/or father in the past. In short, the only type of relationship that a narcissist’s adult child is truly suited for has a very perverse dynamic: the narcissist’s child must meet their partner’s needs and keep them happy, even when it involves crushing their own needs and feelings.

These adult children can never truly begin to heal—and then create better, more normal relationships that provide the reciprocity that most of us enjoy and value in our relationships.

It is interesting to note the narcissistic parent’s reaction to seeing a healthy psychological change in their child. Once the narcissist’s child or adult child begins to improve psychologically and begins to pull away from the parent a little, the narcissistic parent experiences a kind of existential panic.

Related : The Secret to Spotting Subtle Narcissists

Often, it is a therapist, colleague, or friend who plants the seeds of change, declaring to the child that the parent is toxic and emotionally abusive. When pushed into fight mode, the narcissistic parent becomes angry and works to ostracize the individual suspected of instigating the change and pulls the child away from the parent’s strong grip.

Although it may initially be confusing to the adult child why the narcissistic parent verbally tears down those closest to him or her, the parent’s reaction ultimately shows the adult child what is most important to the narcissistic parent: his or her own emotional needs—not the adult child’s.

If you are someone who has suffered at the hands of a narcissistic parent, talk to your friends and other family members about your experience, and consider talking to a mental health professional. After years of dealing with the contradictions of a narcissistic parent, it can be extremely helpful to have a therapist help you understand your madness.