People high in narcissism tend to be overly preoccupied with being the center of attention. They are highly skilled at making themselves the star of the show, whether by writing the script themselves or hijacking someone else’s scene.

To be clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a person must meet five of these nine traits, according to the DSM-5:

Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from others.

Focusing on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.

Perceiving oneself as unique, superior, and connected to high-status people and institutions.

Needing constant admiration from others.

Feeling entitled to special treatment and obedience from others.

Exploiting others for personal gain.

Unwillingness to empathize with the feelings, desires, and needs of others.
Extreme envy of others, and the belief that others are equally envious of them.

Arrogant and haughty behavior.

But narcissism (not narcissistic personality disorder) is a trait that runs on a continuum across the population, so it is entirely possible for someone to have narcissistic traits and not be a diagnosable “narcissist.” However, every individual, at any given moment in time, has choices about their actions. These choices, and corresponding actions, separate narcissists from non-narcissists. Those who act and react primarily with empathy—who can put someone else first, who can neither automatically take blame nor praise for themselves, nor who can intentionally exploit or hurt someone—are not narcissists.

Star of the Show: Themselves

The most important person in a narcissist’s life is the narcissist. They can temporarily put others before themselves, but only when it benefits them in some way. Children, partners, friends, and even coworkers are often allowed into the narcissist’s orbit only for their own personal gain.

Narcissists often feel as though they should remain the center of attention in everyone’s life. Relationships often serve the purpose of enhancing the narcissist’s status. For example, they may not necessarily want to be parents, but they may change their mind when they realize that it comes with a boost in status and esteem—and a new title, “Mom” or “Dad.” Their relationships tend to be defined by status, images, awards, milestones, and idealized social media presence (Solz et al., 2019). Behind the scenes, however, the romantic partner may be constantly demeaned and devalued. If a narcissist breaks up with a partner, that partner may find that they are not left alone to move forward in a healthy way.

Unless that person commits to complete no contact or obtains a restraining order, there is a chance that the narcissist will stalk them, and any new dates, on social media, continuing to wave promises of change for the better in a desperate attempt to regain their attention. Even if the narcissist doesn’t want you, they may still believe that you couldn’t possibly want anyone but them. Narcissists are naturally prone to jealousy, and perceived competition can attack their fragile sense of self-worth (Geukes et al., 2017). When one of the exes starts dating someone else again, jealousy can flare to dangerous proportions.

A person with high narcissism may seem unable to love anyone but themselves, a boring and unpredictable relationship. They may have high self-esteem but it is fragile. They may hate themselves and be particularly critical of their own shortcomings, but they never take blame or responsibility for anything negative because they are certain that they are unique and special. If their marriage falls apart, it is their spouse’s fault. If they fail a class, it is their teacher’s fault. If they get fired, it is their boss’s fault. Because they rarely see bad things as “their fault,” narcissists rarely correct or apologize. Narcissists typically do not change for the better because that requires a critical, self-directed gaze. Many people with high narcissism cannot handle anything that might diminish their ego. If a narcissist really looks inward to see how their actions have damaged their life and reputation, they may feel as though they will never leave the therapist’s office again. If a narcissist goes to counseling, it’s often because someone else’s behavior has upset them or they’ve been pressured to do so by a loved one. Narcissists may also jump from therapist to therapist, or end therapy abruptly, never allowing the therapist to truly get to know them.

Narcissists tend to seek pampering, favors, and flattery. A therapist who criticizes a narcissist for their behavior may not last long in the narcissist’s orbit. Instead, they may become another victim of a smear campaign, slander, or libel.

How to Deal with the Need for Attention

The best tactic for dealing with someone who is high on narcissism is usually to not communicate with them unless it’s absolutely necessary. Don’t respond to emails, texts, phone calls, or social media messages. Avoid contact altogether if you can, or at least insist on communicating via email or text until you have proof of what was said.

The narcissist may try to ask questions, send a text or email saying “Oh! Wrong person!”, “accidentally” mark you in your Facebook memory, “call your number in your pocket,” or even “accidentally” drive past your house in an attempt to get your attention. Any response, even a friendly one to a question, may allow the narcissist to believe that they are still desirable. If you can’t block them, ignore them or give them a predetermined answer like “Please leave me alone” or “I’m just going to discuss custody issues.” The moment the conversation veers off topic or turns into attacks, end it. If the harassment continues, seek a protective order. It may seem dramatic or unnecessary, but narcissists are unlikely to accept “no” for an answer otherwise.