“It’s all about them!” “Run, as fast as you can!” “How do you know you’re dating a narcissist?” – these are just some of the “haunting” headlines that fill the internet about the problem of narcissism… However, what if you are a narcissist?

Although narcissistic behaviors can be very intoxicating, I believe it is important to maintain a position of compassionate understanding so that we can look at the reasons behind their development and be able to recognize the narcissistic traits that remain hidden within ourselves and sabotage our relational well-being.

In this post, I will use the metaphor of the flu to explain, in a clear way for everyone, how it can happen that one becomes emotionally ill and gets stuck in narcissistic patterns. So, the metaphor is limited to a purely mental exercise. Of course, there is no such thing as the flu, literally, and it has nothing to do with the current medical climate.

I got the flu

In my work as a philosophical counselor, I have come to the idea that falling into narcissistic patterns is a kind of emotional flu that can affect each of us to varying degrees. This type of flu, like any other type of flu, is caused by a variety of environmental factors that affect us throughout our daily lives. It is the way we respond to these factors that differs. In the normal flu, our head feels congested and our nose runs without allowing us to breathe well; likewise, in this other type of flu, access to our intimacy would congest our emotional breathing. Access to our intimacy becomes blocked and we are left with a strong feeling of loneliness and helpless anger that reduces the depth of our vital breaths. We may suffer from shortness of breath or simply feel tired from the drain of this emotional storm.

How do we get this flu?

Sooner or later, life challenges us and pushes us out of our comfort zone. Sooner or later, external factors will negatively impact important areas of life where we identify and feel our most intimate selves. Our society leaves us little time and space for self-exploration, so it’s easy to define our sense of self through small, fixed areas of our lives: our romance with our boyfriend, our job, our family, our physical energy, our country, etc. What happens when one of these areas is shaken or threatened? Our sense of self feels threatened. We feel like we could disappear at any moment. That’s when we get the flu!

Our ego feels so weak that we demand from others what we should be able to provide ourselves; when we feel that the world owes us something and that our lives are unfair and miserable, that’s a sign that we have the flu. This sense of self-righteousness is the axis of infection where our flu can germinate. So how do we treat this flu? How can we face these challenges without feeling increasingly angry, or feeling abandoned and miserable?

Example

Let’s take a practical case. A couple experiences a significant loss: the unexpected death of their husband’s father. The wife is supportive and understanding during the first year after the loss.

Then something changes. The wife laments that her husband has become increasingly detached and isolated. She feels their safe love space is threatened. A crucial area where she once drew validation and intimate connection is shaken—perhaps in a way that resonates with past traumas. Without considering that her husband’s grief is still ongoing, her instinctive response to this threat is to separate further from her husband (for fear of being abandoned first) and from herself (for fear of doubting herself and being proven wrong).

She finds refuge in a very empty and fragile space within herself that demands love and attention without connecting to her deepest needs. Consequently, the wife lacks the fortitude and energy to come to a calm agreement with her partner and make sense of what is going on in life. At this point, her dominant feeling is likely to be a foggy anxiety stemming from her deepest fears of disappearing—if the demands are not met (which is very likely when one reaches this space of solitude)—the entire sense of self will shatter and spread everywhere. So, the responsibility of being connected to others falls entirely on the husband.

Specifically, the wife feels that she can only survive through her husband’s love; so she demands that he show his love to her in this or that way – although these are rarely how the spell can be broken because this emotional flu can only be cured through real connection and warmth. The wife accuses the husband of being distant, cold, and detached without any real attempt at empathy and compassion towards both of them.

They are both stuck in place because the place they live in is not real—a place of terrifying expectations and anxiety. Consequently, none of their efforts can be fully appreciated because they will be tainted by this painful fear. In such a place, she cannot find a way to care for herself because her sense of self feels under attack. It is as if there are no real ways to care for herself and her husband. She suffers from a kind of emotional coldness. She feels so lonely and unable to be happy with what she has, or to connect with others, because she is so miserable. And the loneliness makes her feel more abandoned, weak, and angry. We should see this angry loneliness as a symptom, like a bad cough or a stuffy nose. I think narcissism can be read as a kind of cold that appears when the paths to our intimate lives are blocked by the victims of life. If the wife is unemployed, sick, or in a foreign country, she may feel that the distraction of her husband is a greater threat because all other ways to reach herself are blocked, and the only way to reach her is through his warmth and affection. I think this form of depressing loneliness can be used as a barometer for this type of fever and the cure is to reopen access to intimacy by reconnecting life with the environment.

How to know if you have the flu

If we can’t be alone with ourselves without feeling so lonely or so unfortunate that the world owes us something, then perhaps the narcissistic flu has infected us and weakened our immune system by blocking access to our intimacy. What to do?

How to heal: Drink lots of tea

We drink a lot of tea. The path we should take is the path to our intimate well-being. If we get lost and can’t take it easy, we can start by taking care of others: walking our dog, volunteering for a cause we love, or calling a friend in need. Try to truly care for others without expecting anything in return. Reach out to others. Don’t lock yourself in your room and start telling yourself lies to soothe your wounded ego. Go out, face life, and genuinely care for yourself and others. If you find it difficult to care for others, focus on something you love to do and maybe do some volunteer work for it. Reach out. Don’t lose your curiosity for the pleasant surprises the world has in store for you. You may fall into this hole more than once in your life. It happens. Just remember to take care of yourself when it happens, and to pull yourself out of that dark, damp place. The world can only surprise those who dare to truly explore it.