Key Points
Inexperience, shame, isolation, lack of role models, and family blaming can make LGBTQ people vulnerable to abusive relationships.
There are many ways to help support LGBTQ people in your life and community, such as educating yourself and challenging your own biases.
Parents can support LGBTQ children by encouraging ongoing communication about their child’s identity and emotions.
Despite the fact that a growing number of young people identify as LGBTQ (1 in 6 Gen Zers), individuals who identify as gay face a lifetime of concealment and prejudice, often even within their own families. As societal scapegoats, they have fewer positive role models and fewer social safety nets, and are more vulnerable to narcissistic abuse in their relationships.
Why LGBT people are vulnerable to narcissistic abuse
- Lack of experience
In many contemporary societies, children are raised with heterosexual assumptions and expectations that are strongly reinforced in media representations and social institutions such as school and church. As a result, LGBT youth often take longer to identify and accept their sexual orientation and intimate partner orientations and may have less subsequent dating and relationship experience. This relative lack of experience can set them up to ignore narcissistic red flags and stumble into early intimacy and commitment.
- Shame
Shame, especially in childhood, is a destabilizing emotion that erodes self-esteem and inhibits our ability to connect with ourselves and those around us. As with any societal scapegoat, LGBT individuals are often treated as inferior “others” and targeted with the expected shame of the dominant culture around them. The more persistent and intolerant a culture is, the more such shameful messages become normalized. Gay people who have low self-esteem and are ashamed of themselves and their intimate relationships are more likely to accept neglectful and disdainful treatment from a narcissistic partner.
- Isolation
Because LGBT people are more likely to be socially ostracized, withdraw, or withhold information to avoid being ostracized, they often experience not only personal isolation but also the need to hide their relationships. Even well-meaning family and friends may inadvertently increase the isolation of LGBT people by not asking them about their personal lives and not sharing information about their relationships with others in their social network. For these reasons, LGBT people may feel defensive and overly dependent on their partners, making them more likely to ignore warning signs and tolerate patterns of neglect and abuse in the relationship. The relative isolation of LGBT people can also make them more likely to accept further isolation tactics of narcissistic abusers and to be reluctant to seek support outside the relationship when abuse occurs.
- Lack of Representation
Media representations of dating, physical and sexual intimacy, and romantic love are overwhelmingly heterosexual, leaving LGBT people with few accurate, healthy models of the queer experience. As with any marginalized group, whether women, racial minorities, differently abled individuals, or neurotypical individuals, the lack of visibility and representation creates profound social disenfranchisement for LGBT people, instilling a sense of foreshortened futures, or an inability to envision positive outcomes for the future self.
- Family Scapegoating
Most people have narcissistic family members in their extended family if not their immediate family. Shaming and ostracizing LGBT children is a common behavior among narcissistic adults, with devastating consequences. People who identify as gay and who have experienced narcissistic abuse within their families are at risk of accepting the dynamics of abuse in their relationships as teens and adults.
Ways to Support LGBT People and Same-Sex Relationships
- Acknowledge LGBT identity and same-sex relationships in your family and social circles.
- Educate yourself about the same-sex experiences and challenges LGBT people face.
- Reach out to LGBT people and show your support.
- Challenge your own biases toward LGBT people and relationships.
Ways to Support Your LGBT Child
Encourage ongoing communication about feelings, identity, and social challenges.
Be curious about their experience and perspective.
Help them connect with positive LGBT representations and role models.
Be alert for depression and bullying.
Discuss and encourage healthy boundaries.
Get to know their friends and dating partners.
Educate them about narcissism, patterns of neglect and abuse in relationships.
Help them navigate misogynistic and heterosexist messages and body shaming on social media.
TheGiftOfDifference
Many people are different from the norm in some way. Our differences help us develop empathy and critically look at the foolishness that passes for conventional wisdom in human society. With awareness and support from others, our differences often become what we cherish most about ourselves and those we love.
