Ah, narcissists. They self-examine every reflective surface they come across. They gossip about the time they won a spelling bee in third grade. They think they’re God’s gift to the universe—after all, why would God put them in the middle of it?
But here’s the thing: Narcissism is more complicated and, frankly, more disturbing than that.
Yes, it’s an inflated sense of self-importance and a desire for constant admiration, combined with a devastating lack of empathy for others. It’s the “me, myself, and me” syndrome, where the world must revolve around one person, and everyone else is just an extra in the movie of their life.
But before you start pointing fingers at your ex or your obnoxious coworker, remember: We all have a little bit of narcissism. But some people have an extra. Or five.
So let’s dive into this bottomless pit of ego and self-absorption, cut through all the bullshit, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll come out the other side understanding what makes these narcissists act the way they do.
Who knows, maybe we’ll figure out how to deal with them without losing our minds.
Let’s get rid of this sweaty bag together.
What is Narcissism?
First, let’s clarify what narcissism is.
Simply put, narcissism is a chronic state of entitlement.
A narcissist may believe they are exceptional or exceptionally deprived. In either case, the rules that apply to everyone else do not apply to them. The narcissist owes the world nothing, while the world owes them everything.
As with most things in life, narcissism comes in varying degrees. No one is 0% or 100% narcissistic. Everyone falls on a spectrum. We all exhibit some narcissistic traits—that is, a certain amount of entitlement—on our worst days.
But in the end, a person may suffer from a full-blown personality disorder.1 Even those who are clinically diagnosed will fall along a spectrum from high-functioning individuals to full-blown neurotic disorganization.2
We all engage in some narcissistic behaviors at some point or another. The problem arises when narcissism becomes our default mode and we don’t realize that we are behaving like a narcissist.
The Two Types of Narcissism
In my book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, I talk about two types of entitlement, which are two types of narcissism.
Let’s take a look at each.
Grandior Narcissist
The “grandiose narcissist” is the type we often think of when we say someone is a narcissist. They’re the kind of jerks who don’t care about the needs of others and take advantage of anything and everyone.3
Now, we’ve all known someone with an inflated sense of self-worth and craves attention and admiration more than they should. They can’t stand criticism, blame everyone else when things go wrong, and expect extra special treatment because they’re above the common people, the simpletons, and the “ordinary people” who hide beneath their feet.
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But these narcissists often have a charm all their own, at least at first. Their confidence can be refreshing, especially if you’re not someone who feels very confident. But their bullshit quickly turns to bullshit.
The blame, the manipulation, the manipulation, the way they keep bringing it back on themselves.
It’s exhausting.
VulnerableNarcissist
Let me paint a picture of another person we all know, too.
This is the more reserved person who doesn’t seek attention in all those loud and annoying ways. He can be shy at times, and he may put himself down a bit too much.
Like the grandiose narcissist, he is very sensitive and needs constant reassurance. But unlike the grandiose narcissist, he doesn’t think he is better than anyone else. He thinks the opposite—he thinks he is uniquely victimized or oppressed by everyone else.
Vulnerable narcissism is a more subtle form of narcissism. But it’s still narcissism. The difference is that the grandiose narcissist believes he is uniquely superior, while the vulnerable narcissist believes he is uniquely inferior.
The grandiose narcissist believes he is uniquely privileged, while the vulnerable narcissist believes he is uniquely disadvantaged. The grandiose narcissist prides himself on exploiting others, while the vulnerable narcissist prides himself on being exploited.
Like the grandiose narcissist, the vulnerable narcissist believes he or she deserves special treatment because of their uniqueness.
These are the perpetual victims who call themselves names. They may be shy and humble on the outside. But beneath that intimidating exterior lies a sense of grandiosity.4 They will get upset at the smallest slights and anything and everything that upsets them.
Although grandiose and vulnerable narcissists differ in important ways, both are unusually self-absorbed5 and have a fragile sense of self that they must maintain by viewing themselves as exceptional—again, either exceptionally exceptional or exceptionally deficient.
They deny any facts that do not support their grandiose self-perception and as a result, tend to engage only in superficial relationships or withdraw from social situations altogether.6
Essentially, both types of narcissists are overly entitled individuals who believe they are special and that different rules in life apply to them.
Where Does Narcissism Come From?
Narcissism is a very complex personality trait, and psychologists have not fully figured out how it comes about, but they have found some clues.
First, certain parenting styles seem to influence the development of narcissism.
There is some evidence that children are at greater risk of developing narcissistic traits if they grow up with parents who are overly authoritarian, overly permissive, or overly neglectful of their children’s feelings.
Let’s take this one by one:
- Authoritarian Parenting
These parents try to control their children’s behavior to an unhealthy degree. They demand strict obedience to rules while offering little warmth, support, or open communication.
Authoritarian parents may base their child’s worth on accomplishments and adherence to rules, which can lead children to develop an inflated sense of self-importance to cope with this pressure. They may also develop a deep sense of entitlement as a defense mechanism against feeling unloved or not good enough.
- Permissive Parenting
On the other end of the spectrum, children whose parents overvalue them tend to become narcissists.7
It’s no surprise that if a child are constantly hearing how “special,” “wonderful,” and “beautiful” they are (hint: you’re not special), they end up internalizing their parents’ inflated views of them and grow up believing they deserve extra privileges in life.
- Neglectful Parenting
Also known as uninvolved parenting, this style is characterized by low levels of warmth and control.
Neglectful parents may not respond to their children’s needs and may not provide necessary guidance or feedback. They often fail to validate their children’s feelings or thoughts.
In response, children may develop narcissistic traits as a coping mechanism, using an exaggerated sense of self-importance to compensate for feelings of neglect and unworthiness.
On the surface, these parenting styles seem completely different, so how could they all contribute to the development of narcissism?
Well, the one thing they all have in common is that they do not help a child fully express a realistic and independent identity.
Authoritarian parents are overly controlling and therefore do not allow their children to find their path in life. This causes them to seek more and more external validation to feel good about themselves, which can turn into narcissism.
On the other hand, permissive parents don’t set enough boundaries for their children and instead contribute to an inflated sense of self that isn’t grounded in reality.
Neglectful parents offer little justification for their children’s emotional needs, so they may grow up to be narcissists to compensate for feelings of shame and inadequacy. Shame plays a crucial role in people with vulnerable narcissism.
It’sNotAllYourParents’Fault
Now, before you start hating your parents (or hating them even more than you already do…), it’s important to understand that parenting is just one factor that may contribute to narcissism.
Research into the origins of narcissism is still in its early stages. We don’t know how genes, peer groups, trauma, and many other factors may contribute.
Related :http://linside.store/narcissism-where-it-comes-from-and-how-to-deal-with-it/
So while I think parenting is important, I’m not one to blame parents too much.
A balance of each of the parenting styles listed above seems to be the antidote to raising narcissistic children. That is, children whose parents encourage them, show affection, set strong boundaries, and set high standards tend to be highly adaptable.
So it seems like our parents did their best, but they may have focused too much on one style at the expense of others.
My point is: Don’t blame parents for everything. Most parents are doing their best.
The Problem of Narcissism
The past decade or two has seen public debate about the potential spread of an “epidemic” of narcissism in our current culture, especially among young people.9
The truth is that every culture in recorded history has had to deal with narcissism and the many problems associated with it. At the end, narcissism has been linked to substance abuse10 and a wide range of personality disorders, from bipolar disorder to borderline and passive-aggressive disorders.11
Grandiose narcissism tends to be associated with antisocial and manic traits, while vulnerable narcissism tends to be accompanied by depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies.12
People with grandiose narcissistic traits tend to have a desire for power13 and those who emerge as leaders can create a very toxic environment for the poor souls they rule.14
Although we often think of grandiose narcissists as exploitative, vulnerable narcissists are not very good at empathizing with others and can be just as rude.15 Worse, narcissism has been consistently linked to violence.16
Researchers debate whether narcissism is increasing in prevalence,17 but I would argue that this is just semantics. Narcissism—whether as a personality trait or a mental disorder—is as serious a problem today as it was in 1978, or ancient Greece, for that matter.
How to Deal with Narcissists
The first rule of dealing with narcissists is: don’t.
If you can avoid having to interact with a narcissist, don’t. Don’t try to persuade, convince, change, fix, or change their mind. It’s probably impossible, and even if it’s not, it’s not worth it.
However, sometimes you have to deal with a narcissist, and if you have to deal with them, it’s important to understand how to do it.
How you deal with narcissists will vary depending on the context in which you’re interacting with them; for example, how you deal with your narcissistic boss will be different than how you deal with your narcissistic friend or your narcissistic parent. Even within the same context, everyone is different, so the approach here will vary.
But fundamentally, the key to dealing with narcissists is boundaries.
Decide how much exposure you want to have with them, and decide how much you are willing to interact with them. Decide in advance what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do with them, what you are willing and what you are not willing to talk about with them, and what you are willing and what you are not willing to share with them. Then stick to it.
Narcissists will have nothing on you if you have boundaries and enforce them in your life, whether with your colleagues, friends, partners, or even family.
Unfortunately, most of us are very bad at maintaining healthy boundaries and as a result, we get caught up in drama and end up doing things we don’t want to do.
Having healthy boundaries means taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions—and NOT taking responsibility for the actions or emotions of others.
It happens when your narcissistic coworker tries to take credit for your work, and you proudly refuse and claim your rights.
It happens when your narcissistic uncle asks to borrow money because something bad always happens to him, and he’s so unlucky, and you say a firm “no.”
It happens when your narcissistic partner tries to bully you and make you feel guilty for staying late at work that one time, and you scold him for his bullshit.
If you can’t avoid having narcissists in your life, set boundaries. Draw lines in the sand and enforce them. If you want to dive into how to do that, I have the article for you.
How to Deal with Your Narcissism
The Turn: But what if you are the narcissist? Not sure? Ask yourself the following questions:
Do you feel that people often don’t understand you or your problems (or can’t understand them)?
Do you feel that there are many barriers in your life that you have no control over?
Do you often ask for help from others and/or feel that few people are willing to help you?
Do you often feel that you don’t get the attention or appreciation you deserve?
Do people often complain that you don’t listen to them when in reality you feel that they don’t listen to you?
Do you feel that most other people have a much easier life than you do?
Do you often fight with close friends and loved ones?
If so, is it usually their fault?
Do they suddenly cut you off without explanation and refuse to contact you again?
Do you often feel helpless, as if you have little chance of improving your life?
If you answered “yes” to most of the questions above, you may be the problem.
If you recognize and accept that you have narcissistic traits, congratulations: You’ve come further than most narcissists will ever get.
Clinical narcissism is notoriously difficult to treat. There is no single proven treatment, and many of the recommended and commonly practiced treatments require long-term effort and engagement.18 In short: Seek professional help and work hard for the long haul.
If you simply exhibit narcissistic traits on occasion, I have some tips—or rather, some life-changing truths—to help reduce your narcissistic tendencies.
Narcissism boils down to the belief that you are special and deserve to be treated differently from others. The antidote—easier said than done—is to simply accept that you are not special.
You are average at almost everything, most of the time. And that’s a good thing. You don’t need to be special or good at anything to be worthy of appreciation or to live a meaningful life.
Instead of weaving elaborate narratives to convince yourself of your specialness, you would be better off avoiding labeling yourself with anything and just living.
You don’t know if you’re great or not, and that’s a good thing. You’ll try your best anyway. You don’t know if you’re a victim or not, and that’s a good thing. You’ll get better and feel healthy again anyway. You don’t know if you deserve good or bad treatment, and that’s a good thing. You’ll take responsibility for your life anyway.
Find satisfaction in the simple pleasures of everyday life.
Every day when you wake up, rejoice that you’re alive. Be amazed by the wonders of toothpaste when you brush your teeth every morning. Look at the beauty in how the light reflects off the surfaces of passing cars. Be curious about other people.
You are not “destined” for greatness. You are not destined for anything.
Stop trying so hard to prove that you are better than everyone else. Stop complaining about how unfair the world is to you.
