Ah, narcissists. They self-examine every reflective surface they come across. They gossip about the time they won a spelling bee in third grade. They think they’re God’s gift to the universe—after all, why would God put them in the middle of it?

But here’s the thing: Narcissism is more complicated and, frankly, more disturbing than that.

Yes, it’s an inflated sense of self-importance and a desire for constant admiration, combined with a devastating lack of empathy for others. It’s the “me, myself, and me” syndrome, where the world must revolve around one person, and everyone else is just an extra in the movie of their life.

But before you start pointing fingers at your ex or your obnoxious coworker, remember: We all have a little bit of narcissism. But some people have an extra. Or five.

So let’s dive into this bottomless pit of ego and self-absorption, cut through all the bullshit, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll come out the other side understanding what makes these narcissists act the way they do.

Who knows, maybe we’ll figure out how to deal with them without losing our minds.

Let’s get rid of this sweaty bag together.

What is Narcissism?

First, let’s clarify what narcissism is.

Simply put, narcissism is a chronic state of entitlement.

A narcissist may believe they are exceptional or exceptionally deprived. In either case, the rules that apply to everyone else do not apply to them. The narcissist owes the world nothing, while the world owes them everything.

As with most things in life, narcissism comes in varying degrees. No one is 0% or 100% narcissistic. Everyone falls on a spectrum. We all exhibit some narcissistic traits—that is, a certain amount of entitlement—on our worst days.

But in the end, a person may suffer from a full-blown personality disorder.1 Even those who are clinically diagnosed will fall along a spectrum from high-functioning individuals to full-blown neurotic disorganization.2

We all engage in some narcissistic behaviors at some point or another. The problem arises when narcissism becomes our default mode and we don’t realize that we are behaving like a narcissist.

The Two Types of Narcissism

In my book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, I talk about two types of entitlement, which are two types of narcissism.

Let’s take a look at each.

Grandior Narcissist

The “grandiose narcissist” is the type we often think of when we say someone is a narcissist. They’re the kind of jerks who don’t care about the needs of others and take advantage of anything and everyone.3

Now, we’ve all known someone who has an inflated sense of self-worth and craves attention and admiration more than they should. They can’t stand criticism, blame everyone else when things go wrong, and expect extra special treatment because they’re above the common people, the simpletons, and the “average people” who hide beneath their feet.

But these narcissists often have a charm all their own, at least at first. Their confidence can be refreshing, especially if you’re not someone who feels very confident. But their bullshit quickly turns to bullshit.

The blame, the manipulation, the manipulation, the way they constantly bring it all back on themselves.

VulnerableNarcissist

Let me paint a picture of another person we all know, too.

This is the more reserved person who doesn’t seek attention in all those loud and annoying ways. He can be shy at times, and he may put himself down a bit too much.

Like the grandiose narcissist, he is very sensitive and needs constant reassurance. But unlike the grandiose narcissist, he doesn’t think he is better than anyone else. He thinks the opposite—he thinks he is uniquely victimized or oppressed by everyone else.

Vulnerable narcissism is a more subtle form of narcissism. But it’s still narcissism. The difference is that the grandiose narcissist believes he is uniquely superior, while the vulnerable narcissist believes he is uniquely inferior.

The grandiose narcissist believes he is uniquely privileged, while the vulnerable narcissist believes he is uniquely disadvantaged. The grandiose narcissist prides himself on exploiting others, while the vulnerable narcissist prides himself on being exploited.

Like the grandiose narcissist, the vulnerable narcissist believes he or she deserves special treatment because of their uniqueness.

These are the perpetual victims who call themselves names. They may be shy and humble on the outside. But beneath that intimidating exterior lies a sense of grandiosity.4 They will get upset at the smallest slights and anything and everything that upsets them.

Although grandiose and vulnerable narcissists differ in important ways, both are unusually self-absorbed5 and have a fragile sense of self that they must maintain by viewing themselves as exceptional—again, either exceptionally exceptional or exceptionally deficient.

They deny any facts that do not support their grandiose self-perception and as a result, tend to engage only in superficial relationships or withdraw from social situations altogether.6

Essentially, both types of narcissists are overly entitled individuals who believe they are special and that different rules in life apply to them.

Where Does Narcissism Come From?

Narcissism is a very complex personality trait, and psychologists have not fully figured out how it comes about, but they have found some clues.

First, certain parenting styles seem to influence the development of narcissism.

There is some evidence that children are at greater risk of developing narcissistic traits if they grow up with parents who are overly authoritarian, overly permissive, or overly neglectful of their children’s feelings.

Let’s take this one by one:

1. Authoritarian Parenting

These parents try to control their children’s behavior to an unhealthy degree. They demand strict obedience to rules while offering little warmth, support, or open communication.

Authoritarian parents may base their child’s worth on accomplishments and adherence to rules, which can lead children to develop an inflated sense of self-importance to cope with this pressure. They may also develop a deep sense of entitlement as a defense mechanism against feeling unloved or not good enough.

2. Permissive Parenting

On the other end of the spectrum, children who are overly validated by overly enthusiastic parents tend to end up being narcissists.7

Not surprisingly, if a child are constantly hearing how “special,” “wonderful,” and “beautiful” they are (spoiler: you’re not special), they end up internalizing their parents’ inflated views of them and grow up believing they deserve extra privileges in life.

3. Neglectful Parenting

Also known as uninvolved parenting, this style is characterized by low levels of warmth and control.

Neglectful parents may not respond to their children’s needs and may not provide necessary guidance or feedback. They often fail to validate their children’s feelings or thoughts.

In response, children may develop narcissistic traits as a coping mechanism, using an inflated sense of self-importance to compensate for feelings of neglect and unworthiness.8