Dear Evie, My wife (age 47) and I have been married for a long time. In all these years, I have never gotten along with my mother-in-law. She is nosy and controlling, and I suspect she may be narcissistic. My wife has also struggled to have a healthy relationship with her, but we have managed to do so all these years as my mother-in-law lives on the other side of the country and we only see her during family vacations. My wife’s father recently passed away and her mother asked to come live with us, even though she is still largely independent and doesn’t need much help. My wife agreed without asking me, and I am terrified! I can’t stand spending a week with this woman, let alone having her in my personal space. How can I say no and tell my wife “no” without causing major repercussions? – Arthur, New York
Dear Arthur,
Thank you for writing – I feel your pain!
You are in a difficult situation, and you must address it directly with honesty and respect. Your feelings about your mother-in-law are understandable, and the idea of her moving in with you is understandably stressful for you. Here’s how to handle this sensitive issue:
First, have an honest, open conversation with your wife. Choose a quiet moment to express your concerns without accusation or blame. Use “I” statements to focus on your feelings and needs, such as, “I’m concerned about your mother moving in with you because our relationship has been strained in the past.”
Acknowledge her perspective, too. Understand that she may feel a sense of duty toward her mother, especially after her father’s death. This is a time to be empathetic and supportive, not just to your wife, but to yourself.
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Suggest alternative solutions that can meet everyone’s needs. Could her mother move to a nearby apartment instead? That way, your wife can fulfill her sense of responsibility without disrupting your family dynamics. Offer to help find resources or options that will ensure her mother is well taken care of without her moving into your home.
If that fails, set clear boundaries. If living together is the only viable option, set rules and expectations from the start. Discuss how you will handle privacy, household responsibilities, and personal space to minimize friction.
Remember, it’s about finding a compromise that works for both of you. Your marriage is a partnership, and big decisions like this should involve mutual agreement. If necessary, consider involving a therapist to facilitate these discussions and help navigate the emotional complexities.
Ultimately, you need to hold on to what you can and can’t tolerate but do so with compassion and a willingness to find common ground. By communicating openly and working together, hopefully, you can reach a solution that respects everyone’s needs.
Good luck,
Evie
