I (29 female) recently moved in with my partner (38 male). We had been together for 3 years and hadn’t had any major issues. However, while unpacking our things, and knowing I was out and about, he chose to look through an old laptop I had in storage. This laptop is so old that I haven’t seen most of the photos on it for years. I was out with my girlfriends, enjoying the weekend, when he called me angry about the photos he had seen of my “past” (most of them about 10 years old). I told him clearly that we could discuss this when I got back and that I wanted to enjoy the day with my friends, but when I got home, he deleted everything he found problematic without telling me and without giving me any chance to see or save the memories he had deleted. We had a fight, made up, but I can’t get this invasion of my privacy out of my head. Any advice? – Anonymous
Thank you so much for this message.
Let’s get to work! The fact that he went through your phone without your permission is a big red flag. It’s a violation of your privacy and trust and raises serious concerns about his respect for your boundaries. He’s not only snooping, he’s gone so far as to delete photos that may have interested him, but they’re yours; you can keep them or delete them as you wish.
He may come armed with excuses about why he feels so strongly about the photos, and why he decided to delete them, but these are just excuses or reasons. Part of any healthy, happy relationship involves accepting that your partner has a past—like you—and letting them dictate how much of that past they share with you. Failure to respect that past out of jealousy or abandonment, while a valid response, is no excuse for his behavior.
While it’s understandable that you have strong feelings for him, it’s important to step back and prioritize your well-being and safety. Moving in together has already changed the power dynamics, and this incident highlights the potential for him to exert more control over you now that you’re living together in the same space.
Second chances can be a good thing, but they should come with a healthy dose of caution. It’s important to have a serious conversation about what happened, express how you feel about his actions, and set clear boundaries about privacy and respect.
Pay close attention to how he responds.
Does he take responsibility for his actions?
Does he show genuine remorse and a willingness to change?
Or does he dismiss your concerns or try to shift the blame onto you?
His reaction will tell you a lot about his character and whether this relationship is truly healthy for you.
Remember, you deserve to be with someone who respects you and your boundaries. Don’t let your feelings for him blind you to potential dangers. Stay vigilant, trust your instincts, and don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist if needed.
