When you’ve worked in the field of narcissistic abuse as long as I have, you see it all. Specifically, you see everyone complaining about their romantic relationships.

I was charmed by a narcissist. He surrounded me and bombarded me with love.

For those who don’t know any better, narcissistic abuse seems like something relegated to families and romantic relationships. But that’s not the case…it happens in friendships too.

This is where narcissistic abuse conditioning really comes into play.

I was raised by a narcissistic mother, and emerged into the world cognitively weak and willing to do a lot of emotional labor for anyone but me.

This is what my mother taught me to do. You served as a pillow and nanny for all her emotional states, and showed up in the same way as a friend.

Many people who grew up in environments like mine carry these similar patterns of behavior and treatment into their intimate relationships. not me. I carried them into my friendships.

Instead of choosing narcissistic men to ally myself with, the bulk of my suffering came from the narcissistic women I ally myself with—women who took far more from me emotionally than they ever gave.

Related: The Interesting Thing That Happens When An Empath Abandons A Narcissist

Looking beyond romance
It took me almost 30 years to realize my patterns and what I was doing.

Not because I’m an unintelligent person, but because I thought the pervasive feeling of emptiness my relationships always provided was “normal.” It was my baseline and all I’d ever known.

Looking back now, these toxic, one-sided friendships caused me far more damage than any romantic relationship I’ve ever been in (or out of).

This is a fact that we don’t discuss enough in the field of narcissistic abuse.

Instead of looking closer to home, to the people in our backyards, we are more inclined to focus all our attention on the bedroom.

However, one enemy is much less dangerous than a thousand, and this is exactly what happens when someone puts themselves into narcissistic friendship patterns.

Generally, these friendships are emotionally exhausting and full of drama, with erratic power dynamics that make it difficult for the “weaker” person in the friendship to predict what will happen next.

There’s a level of fear there too. Narcissistic friends know where all the bodies are buried and know how to trigger your deepest insecurities.

A big part of doing the work to heal from narcissistic abuse requires doing that work throughout our lives… even when that work is incredibly difficult and isolating.

If you’re someone who grew up in a narcissists’ hornet’s nest, you’ve probably built another hornet’s nest for yourself.

Gaining freedom may require an overhaul and reset.

What does a narcissistic friendship look like?

Each of my narcissistic friendships played out differently, but shared some similar elements.

That’s how it goes with narcissists. While each one has slightly different motivating factors, the overall results are the same.

People around them, especially their friends, feel unappreciated and unloved. I know I did when I saw…