Hi Evie. I have been happily married to my husband for 7 years. Before we got married, my husband was in a long-term relationship – they were engaged but called it off a few weeks before the wedding. He has not kept in touch with his ex-wife, but at the start of the new year, his ex-wife moved into our neighborhood. We tried to be polite and greet her on the street and offer to help her if she needed anything – the usual neighborly things. At first, I thought everything would be fine, but she kept her distance. Recently, however, she has started showing up uninvited. The other day my husband was cooking a barbecue and she saw my husband, so she came in through the side gate and had a drink. I asked my husband why he didn’t ask her to leave and he said he felt awkward and uncomfortable but didn’t want to cause trouble. When we meet, she largely ignores me and focuses most of her attention on my husband. I wouldn’t say she is overtly flirting with him, but she acts like she is still a big part of his life even though she is not. How can we set boundaries so that she will back off and respect our privacy? – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
When someone from your past comes back into your life, especially an ex who has a history with your spouse, it can stir up a lot of emotions. You may start to question your boundaries, your relationship, and even yourself. In this case, you’re dealing with more than just a passing acquaintance—it’s someone who once had a deep connection to your spouse and now seems to be overstepping his or her boundaries.
You’ve been patient and polite, but now it’s clear that more direct action is needed. This is no longer just about being friendly neighbors; it’s about protecting your marriage and your peace of mind. Here’s how you can take control, set firm boundaries, and ensure that your relationship remains your top priority.
- Direct and uncompromising boundaries: Boundaries aren’t about politeness or avoiding conflict; they’re about protecting what’s sacred to you. In your case, that means your marriage and your peace of mind. You’ve done the polite thing by welcoming your spouse’s ex into the neighborhood, but her continued presence and behavior are overstepping boundaries. She’s not just overstepping boundaries; She’s testing the limits of what she can get away with, and it’s up to you and your husband to put a stop to it.
Setting boundaries isn’t about being nice; it’s about being clear. This is your home, your marriage, your life—no one has the right to interfere with that. You need to draw a line there. She doesn’t have the right to come in uninvited, let herself in, or act like she’s still an important part of your husband’s life. That chapter is over, and you need to understand that. The sooner you set those boundaries, the less complicated things will be.
- Accountability and Teamwork: Your husband’s upset is understandable, but avoiding confrontation is no excuse for inaction. By not addressing her behavior, he’s inadvertently sending the message that her actions are acceptable, which is not. It’s not just about him feeling embarrassed—it’s about you standing together as a team and protecting the sanctity of your marriage.
He needs to step in and take responsibility here. If she comes in uninvited, he needs to be the one to politely but firmly tell her that this is not okay. He needs to make it clear that while you both wish her well as a neighbor, the personal boundaries of your marriage are non-negotiable. If he continues to avoid it, it could lead to resentment or feelings of betrayal, which will only erode the trust between you.
Remember, this isn’t just about protecting your relationship from her; it’s also about strengthening the bond between you and your husband. You need to be on the same page and present a united front—otherwise, this situation could become a wedge in your relationship.
- Clear Communication: It’s time to have some direct conversations. First, sit down with your husband and say exactly how you feel about this situation. Be honest and direct, and don’t minimize your concerns. Tell him that while you appreciate his desire to avoid causing trouble, this situation is affecting both of you and needs to be addressed. He needs to understand that avoiding it creates more discomfort than any potential confrontation.
Then, if necessary, have a direct conversation with your ex. This doesn’t have to be confrontational, but it does need to be clear. Tell her that even though you are all neighbors and will interact from time to time, the level of familiarity she is showing is inappropriate. It’s okay to set expectations that she respects the boundaries of your home and your marriage. If she continues to ignore you or dismiss your presence, it’s time to be more assertive—your home is not open to her uninvited visits, period.
- Self-Esteem and Self-Empowerment: At the heart of this issue is respecting yourself and your marriage. Don’t feel guilty for wanting to protect what’s yours. This isn’t just about setting boundaries with your ex; it’s about standing up for your sense of security and well-being. You’ve worked hard to build a life and a marriage, and you have every right to stand up for that.
You don’t need to put up with someone else’s behavior when it makes you feel uncomfortable or threatens your peace. Give yourself the power to take control of the situation and don’t hesitate to take action if necessary. This might mean having tough conversations, setting rules, or even creating distance between you and the person. Whatever it is, remember that your marriage and your happiness come first.
This is a tough situation to be in, but if you and your spouse work together as a team, there’s no reason you can’t get through it.
