Hi Evie, I (29) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (33) for 2 years. We have had our ups and downs over the years but because I have always thought he has a good heart I have stuck with him. I can’t say our differences are simple, he can be a very difficult person at times and there have been times when I have considered leaving. But when we are good, we are very good. That’s why I was surprised when my girlfriends sat me down for an “intervention” a few weeks ago. They told me they were worried about my well-being and that I had become a carbon copy of the person I used to be. They believe the main reason is my boyfriend and one of them said he fits all the criteria for being a narcissist. I was completely shocked but also understood where they were coming from – my boyfriend can be very controlling (he has checked my phone and read my social media messages in the past) and often plays the victim when I complain to him about it. He watches other girls and then accuses me of cheating even though I have never done so. We’ve had many difficult conversations about his behavior and he always blames it on his difficult childhood. I feel bad that he grew up feeling rejected by his parents and that’s why he struggles to trust me. Are my friends right? And if they are, does that mean I should end the relationship with him or can we work through it? – Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
First of all, thank you for writing! It can be incredibly difficult to determine if someone is a true narcissist because many of us can share narcissistic tendencies to varying degrees.
But in this case, your friends have given you an invaluable gift by offering you a perspective that is hard to see when you’re in the thick of it. Their concern comes from love and from seeing changes in you that you may not fully recognize.
Now, let’s get to the main issue here: your boyfriend’s behavior. From what you’ve described, his actions are not only controlling but can be emotionally abusive. Checking your phone, reading your social media messages, accusing you of cheating, and playing the victim are classic signs of a manipulative and controlling partner. His difficult childhood may explain his behavior, but it doesn’t justify it.
We all carry burdens, but it’s our responsibility to deal with them in a way that doesn’t harm others.
You need to focus on the facts: He invades your privacy, controls your actions, and blames you. These are red flags that can’t be ignored. His difficult childhood doesn’t justify making your life miserable. It’s important to separate empathy for his past from the reality of your present.
Your friends have mentioned narcissistic traits, and while I’m not here to diagnose them, it’s important to recognize the patterns. Narcissists often display an inflated sense of self-importance, lack empathy, and need constant admiration. They may be manipulative, expect special treatment, and react negatively to criticism. If these traits are echoed in your friend’s behavior, that’s a serious problem.
Now, address whether you should break up or work on it:
Self-assessment: Think about how his behavior has changed you. Do you feel more anxious, less confident, or like you’re constantly walking on eggshells? Your well-being is paramount.
Set boundaries: Have an honest conversation with him. Explain how his actions affect you. Set clear boundaries. If he wants to change, he will respect them and ask for help. But remember, real change takes time and consistent effort.
Seek professional help: Couples therapy can be helpful if both partners are committed to change. However, his willingness to participate in therapy and work through his issues is crucial. If he refuses, it’s a sign that he’s not ready to change.
Prepare for the worst: If he continues his controlling behavior or doesn’t respect your boundaries, you need to prioritize your safety and happiness. Leaving a toxic relationship can be hard, but staying in one is even harder in the long run.
Ultimately, the choice is yours. But remember, a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and individual growth. If your relationship is constantly draining your energy and stifling your growth, it’s time to reconsider its value in your life.
