After a whirlwind romance that wasn’t my pace, or frankly, with little intention on my part, and was driven by this person, I began a relationship that lasted for almost twenty years. In this early period of the relationship, and what would become of the years to come, there were many warning signs.
Not only was this woman engaged to her childhood sweetheart at this time, but she was also showing up at my apartment unannounced at odd hours of the day and night, demonstrating her sense of entitlement and lack of boundaries. I had been in a violent marriage for a year, and I had been immersed in my work life as a coping mechanism. I hadn’t fully recovered and was vulnerable.
Thanks to my moral compass, I waited a few months after the annulment; incidentally, this action was taken three days before the planned date. While I cannot describe the feelings of the groom, they were nonetheless abandoned, a horrific event, as many of us are aware.
This person was beautiful, kind, mysterious, intelligent, and highly competent, while I was fascinated by his intense interest in someone like me, who was a wonderful person at the time. This relationship made my parents happy, not because it was a goal, but because they saw how he treated me, and this also made me believe I had found the right person. Even more so, my parents were happy in their relationship and were wonderful people, and I had a happy, supportive upbringing in a safe environment. Sadly, they are no longer alive, and I miss and love them.
Related : Subtle Signs Someone’s A Narcissist
Shortly after the birth of our first child, during the happiest times of my life, we had two children together, whom I adore and am proud of, and things changed. We never fought, although there were some disagreements that I always blamed myself for. Reflecting on this, this was a learned behavior.
Looking back on the relationship now, I can see its cyclical nature, but when it was this ambiguous, I couldn’t distinguish it. This cyclical nature over the years weighed heavily on me until I finally caved and began to reevaluate myself and my behavior in the relationship, even seeking counseling at this person’s instruction. They described me as a very complex personality; this was a control tactic.
At the time, I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere alone. I thought it was because of the strength of the bond, but now I realize it was due to control and insecurity. The opposite was true with them; I encouraged them to go out a lot.
For most of the relationship, my socialization was centered around my work life. I was self-employed and had a business premises. My phone rang constantly. For me, my family was my priority, and I was content with my limited network of friends. Coincidentally, we moved several times, often to rural areas where we didn’t know anyone. This person was always the reason for these moves, they insisted. Eventually, I built my own home for the family, again on a rural plot of land, far from any support mechanisms I might have had. Shortly after, I gave up my self-employment, once again influenced by this person.
These patterns of social isolation and critical analysis continued throughout my life, but the many messages I received always began with the question, “How is my boyfriend?” This was not what they accused me of trying to get rid of.
Related : How Narcissists Dismiss Your Problems
I will now summarize the end of this relationship, hoping I have described it in the previous paragraphs. Due to the demands of the relationship, I found myself seriously ill and nearly died. I wish to remain anonymous, so I won’t elaborate, although healthcare professionals continue to remind me of how fortunate I was. After this unfortunate event, things changed radically. Arguments began out of nowhere, and serious financial concerns seemed to be my only concern. I was exhausted, and at a time when I needed my family most, I was being attacked and mocked, and I felt like a servant, not the caring parent I truly was.
This alienating and annoying behavior continued and escalated to include other family members, while friends looked at me with strange looks, which confused me. Things got so bad that I offered to leave. Being generous in my handling of the situation, I told them I loved them too much to let them feel that way, and that this couldn’t continue. They agreed, tearfully, and told me they always wanted me to be a part of the children’s lives. I replied that I would help them, including my daughter financially, so they could heal. I had inadvertently caused narcissistic injury, which I’ll explain, and left the house to run an errand. Upon my return, this person challenged my decision after agreeing to it an hour earlier. “Is that really it?” he said. I told him I was so confused, disoriented, and lost about what was happening. We ended up returning while they were both overindulging on the couch that evening. It was so embarrassing and controlling that I asked them to stop. Not sexually or explicitly, but rather flattering and caressing, which was very strange. This was one of my many mistakes when I changed my mind, allowing for one of the worst and most insidious things I’ve ever experienced. We often hear the saying that the narcissist is the one who has to get rid of things, vanity, entitlement, and everything related to the ego. When I say it was brutal, believe me, it was horrible and came like a bolt from the blue.
Can I also say that at that point, I didn’t know or understand narcissism, but I can confirm that I saw two glaring, soulless, lifeless black eyes in the person I loved? There’s a lot of objective and subjective information online about the black eyes some of us have seen in our partners. I’m open to different interpretations, but I can explain that it was scary and a defining moment in my recovery. Let’s just say it explained a lot of irrational and illogical behavior.
Related : How Narcissists Smear Their Ex Partners
During this period of despair and profound loss, I was labeled a narcissist. I don’t contradict the previous paragraph; I spent some time researching the issue, believing I was one. They told me then that they needed some time, that I lacked empathy or the capacity for love. I now know this was just a projection; I am one of the most empathetic people I know, to a fault. My saving grace, in what I can only describe as horrific, was being labeled a narcissist. It may have saved my life, and I mean that seriously.
It’s been a few years since all this happened, and the attacks continue. I don’t want this to alarm or alarm anyone, but I believe I am dealing with a deeply disturbed person, possibly mentally ill. Among the things that have happened to me: my home was broken into and robbed twice, phone calls to my employers, false claims to the authorities, stalking, and cyberbullying. Triangulation using new support via phone calls and other claims.
One thing that remains constant in this situation is this person’s behavior. What worries me is when they accuse me of stalking them, and they simply admit to stalking me, which is worrisome. They’ve overreacted and exposed themselves now, and they may be in trouble.
I can remember the beginning of the relationship, the reflection, the gifts, the holidays, and the fun—it was very different from the end. Accepting this situation as it was was crucial to my healing process. I’m still in isolation, and by choice, I’ve embraced this opportunity for healing. I don’t hold any resentment for what happened; I want to embrace it as a new opportunity.
I’m not ready for a relationship, even though I know the value of love. Having a relationship based on mutuality and support, and a life of individuality where you share quality time together, would be wonderful.
This person sent me a friend request three months after the breakup after ignoring me, but at that point, I understood the meaning of triangulation. They even used our married name after reverting to their maiden name on social media in the months prior. If I could share one thing with anyone reading this, it would be to reject it if it happens to you too. It would save you a lot of pain. It’s a strategy to give you hope and then take it away in a cruel way.
This person wanted me to sit on a shelf until he was ready to come back and play with me. Instead, I used his absence to recover, seeking professional help, and still resorting to other self-help methods. Because I value work and its benefits, I immersed myself in it, believing it would help me overcome the worst pain of my life.
Related : How Narcissists Stop You Trusting Your Intuition
I also want to tell you that by doing this, yes, it helped to some extent, but I also learned to stop, to do nothing. During my relationship with him, I was always going somewhere, doing something, serving the narcissist. Stopping, watching silly TV, reading a book, and playing music are wonderful things, and now, after working on healing, joy is returning to these aspects.
Finally, I also want to tell you that I didn’t participate in the situation. I stepped back and realized that this wasn’t me, it belonged to someone else. This, too, allowed me to heal. I forgave this person, and I still reflect on the good times, especially the birth of children.
A friend familiar with the situation asked me: Is this person worthy of pity or is he evil? Because I control my emotions and don’t seek revenge, I realized this was a psychological problem accompanied by many evil, punitive behaviors. Yes, it changed my life forever, even though I now have a doctorate in narcissism. As a result, I do something kind every day, usually without expecting praise or recognition, which is narcissism. Well, writing this summary today, I hope it helps someone.
Thanks for sharing your story. There’s a lot to learn from it. And you’ve clearly learned a lot, which will benefit you if another narcissist ever comes along.
Yes, we often miss or ignore warning signs in narcissistic relationships. I’ve been through this too. So it’s good to acknowledge this, because you’re less likely to repeat it. Just make sure to forgive yourself. It’s easy to ignore red flags when you’re in the thick of things and don’t know much about narcissism. Even though it may seem obvious now in hindsight.
I noticed you said you always take the blame for arguments. This is a learned behavior. You may have learned it from your previous relationship, but I bet she never took responsibility either. She either implied that everything was your fault, or she refused to hold your hand, waiting for you to apologize.
Narcissists also like to make their partners feel like there’s something wrong with them and that they’re difficult to live with. They do this deliberately so that when there’s a problem, they look at themselves and ignore their own behavior. They’re too busy looking at themselves.
Related ! How Life Improves When You Leave A Narcissist
From what you wrote, it seems she began to devalue you throughout the relationship, pushing you to the point of wanting to leave. But it sounds like she didn’t really want you to leave—perhaps because you were giving her so much. This might explain why she said, “Is this really it?” and why you got back together so quickly.
She didn’t want to lose her power by asking you to stay. She probably thought you wouldn’t do it anyway. So when she did, she found a way to back down, maintaining the illusion that you needed her more than she needed you.
As I think you’ve learned, narcissists don’t like it when someone else ends a relationship. They have to “win.” So, it’s common for them to convince someone else to come back just to end the relationship. This is also about control, and narcissists have to be in control of their relationships. This may explain the stalking and harassment, as they are often used to regain control. They control how and when they harass you.
You’ve clearly learned a lot about narcissism, and that’s absolutely the right thing to do. The more you learn, the more you understand their behaviors and motivations. And the less likely you are to believe their manipulation.
I’m not sure how important this is—you’ve probably already done that—but it might be wise to disappear completely. Not just from social media, but also from moving to a new home, and perhaps even changing jobs. The less they know about your whereabouts, the better. Because they won’t add anything positive to your life—only revenge and manipulation. And if they continue to harass you today, it could continue for a long time. Thanks for sharing!
