Dear Evie, I am very worried about my daughter. In the context of this, she has been engaged to her partner for five years and they have a son together. I didn’t notice the warning signs until recently, as they were living abroad and only visiting each other for short periods. But now that they have moved closer to us, I have noticed that my daughter has changed. A lot. And not forever. She is incredibly attached to her fiancé. She has given up work (although she was very independent before) and has an “I can’t” attitude towards everything, which is very different from the stubborn little girl I raised. Other family members are also worried. Her husband acts nice in front of everyone, but makes a lot of snide comments (I realize they are passive-aggressive). He is not supportive or encouraging. He complains about our extended family and seems to have a very arrogant attitude. I wanted to raise a strong, independent woman, and she has been. But this man seems to have taken her back to the 1950s when women were seen but not heard. My daughter is either oblivious or too exhausted to care or is in denial. She no longer opens up to me, even though I see her often. What can I do about this situation? – Kerry, UK
Dear Kerry,
Your concerns are valid and sad. It’s good that you wrote to me. Watching a daughter who was once vibrant and independent become someone who seems to have been weakened by her partner’s influence is very difficult. Your observations of her changes, your concern for her well-being, and your suspicions of her partner’s subtle control tactics are all important pieces of this troubling puzzle.
First, let’s talk honestly about the situation. Your daughter’s dramatic change in behavior – from independence to dependence – points to something deeper. She is likely to have fallen into a web of subtle emotional manipulation. This kind of control can be insidious, often hidden in passive-aggressive comments and a degrading attitude that over time diminishes a person’s worth and independence.
- Create a safe space: Your daughter needs to feel safe opening up to you. Avoid direct criticism of her fiancé, which may make her defensive. Instead, express your concerns for her safety and your observations in a nonjudgmental way. Let her know that you are there for her, no matter what.
- Encourage small steps: Gently encourage her to take small steps toward regaining her independence. This might mean suggesting that she revisit a hobby, see old friends, or even take on a small independent project if she’s inclined. The goal is to remind her of her strengths and abilities.
- Strengthen family bonds: Plan regular family activities that don’t include her fiancé. This will give her a break from his influence and remind her of the support system she has outside of her relationship.
Educate about emotional abuse: Subtly share resources about emotional abuse and manipulation. This could be in the form of articles, books, or even TV shows that address the topic. The goal is to help her recognize the signs for herself without feeling directly attacked. - Seek professional help: Encourage her to talk to a therapist. Sometimes, a neutral third party can make a big difference. If she resists, consider going yourself to get some insight into how best to support her.
- Be patient and observant: Change won’t happen overnight. Monitor her well-being, and be ready to step in if things take a turn for the worse. Your continued presence and support are more powerful than you may realize.
Remember, the ultimate goal is to empower your daughter to see her worth and potential again. She may be in denial right now, but your unwavering support can be the lighthouse she needs to find her way back to herself. Stay strong, and trust that your love and patience will make a difference in the end.
