I recently got out of a 5-year relationship after discovering that my fiancée had been cheating on me for most of that relationship. It’s a dilemma in itself, but I’ve been trying to focus on myself ever since.
I moved house and job after my engagement ended because I needed a fresh start. I’ve been enjoying my new job and living arrangements, and trying to make the most of my relationship and love life falling apart.
At work, I’ve recently become closer to a woman who works outside my department. She told me she was married with kids, so I felt safe being friends with her and didn’t assume she was interested in me at all. Now, I realize how wrong I was. Even though I told her how my relationship ended, she still stayed late at work when I was there, going so far as to kiss me (though it was more of a quick peck on the lips) before leaving. Since that night, her attention has increased to an almost obsessive level. She’s always making excuses to talk to me at work, texting me nonstop, and hinting at when her husband and kids are away. Part of me is curious (though I hate to admit it), and the other part wants to tell her husband because I don’t want anyone else to go through what I went through. – Anonymous
Thanks for sending this!
The emotional rollercoaster you’re on right now is completely understandable. Coming out of a five-year relationship where trust was shattered is a punch in the gut, but it certainly sounds like you’ve taken some amazing steps toward healing. Moving into a new home, changing jobs, and focusing on yourself are all big, brave steps. On top of all that, it’s okay to try to enjoy your life amid heartbreak. It’s necessary!
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Now, as for this new woman at work… let’s get to the point. This is a tough situation, to be sure. I think you can credit your instincts for being right; she’s interested, and that kiss wasn’t just a friendly gesture. It’s natural to feel a mix of curiosity and disgust in response to such a strong urge, especially given your recent experience.
I understand your curiosity, but let’s be clear: getting into a relationship with a married woman, especially when you’ve just experienced the pain of infidelity firsthand, will not make you any better than your ex. It’s a slippery slope that will only lead to more hurt and complications down the road.
Instead, you’ve already done a great job focusing on what you need, and I would encourage you to focus on growth, healing, and joy. Just not with this woman. You’ve just been through infidelity, and your trust is understandably fragile. This woman’s behavior is a red flag, and it’s made worse by the fact that she’s aware of how you’ve been a victim of infidelity in the past. All things considered, it’s perfectly acceptable to tell her firmly that you’re not interested, and if she persists, you may need to distance yourself from her.
Whether or not you tell her husband is your decision. In this case, since you’re also working in the same environment, I suggest waiting until you’ve set some boundaries with her. If she continues to pursue you after a firm conversation about her behavior, you may want to consider the next steps.
For now, try not to let this new situation derail the amazing progress you’ve made. You can choose who you let into your life, and you deserve honest, respectful relationships. Keep focusing on yourself, and trust that you’ll find the right people who will appreciate and cherish you.
