I once dated a guy who had a very strange relationship with his mother. For a while, I thought it was very sweet. A few months later, I kept telling friends “My boyfriend’s mom hates me” but I didn’t quite believe it. Thus, “I hate my boyfriend’s mom.”
But why?
My friends ‘ parents always loved me, as did the parents of everyone I had dated. I was always kind and respectful. I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way.
Looking back, I was having an allergic reaction to an inappropriate relationship that I felt so guilty about at the time that I didn’t label it inappropriate.
Inappropriate relationships are easy to recognize. Eventually, it gets to the point where the creep factor and the alarm that your gut sounds off become too loud to ignore.
Although a strange relationship with a family member is as easy to recognize as the pink elephant in the room, it is difficult to admit it – especially when everything else is going well.
You try to convince yourself that he is a good thing; that he is either “such a family man,” because of how close he is to his mom, dad, sister, etc. Or, if he has an unpleasant/dysfunctional relationship with a family member, you tell yourself how wonderful it is that he can have “boundaries”, despite the family attachment.
The Bachelor eventually becomes very difficult to ignore. You find yourself more and more creeped out, frustrated, and in a state of constant competition with one thing you’ll never be able to compete with – the family.
I have been in relationships where I have been extremely happy. But in the end, I had to confess…
“My friend and his mother are very close. Why is he telling her her details about me / our relationship? His mom shouldn’t know that I’m on my period. Why does he have to run everything to her? How is he capable of emotional intimacy with her and not with me? Why do I feel threatened?”
“My friend and his sister are very close. Why do you always get into our business? Why doesn’t she seem jealous, subversive, and spiteful/competitive? Does she want to sleep with her brother? What the * Messiah is this?”
Related : Am I A Bad Person? What To Do When You’re The One Who Messed Up
“My boyfriend hates his mother and therefore has no relationship with her. Why?: How?”
“My boyfriend doesn’t talk to his dad or have a relationship with him. Why?:”
Here’s what to do if you realize, “My boyfriend has a strange relationship with a family member”…
If he has a relationship with any family member that makes your stomach crawl, crawl, or, at best, seem “turned off”, listen to your instinct and run away. Seriously.
Save yourself the time when you will never return, tears, confusion, anger. Nothing is confusing about the iron-clad, emotionally incestuous Teflon relationship that was established way before it ever came into the picture.
Race and don’t look back. You will never, I repeat never be able to compete with dysfunctional ancestral relationships (and you shouldn’t want or have to). If you do, you will end up being defamed and you will go crazy.
All this is easier said than done. So, let’s break it down…
If he is too close to rest with his mother, sister, etc., You have to understand that just like dating an addict. You will never be in a mutual, one-on-one relationship with this man. You will always be in a threesome: You, him, and family members.
Mom, sister, etc., He will always be right and you, your opinions, emotional well-being, and your privacy will always come second. And if you are okay with coming second (not including children), you have no business dating. If someone makes you feel like you’re asking too much by not wanting to be with an emotional swinger, you need to work on your boundaries and self-esteem instead of getting a PhD.
If you are in a relationship where loving him means that you cannot love yourself as far as it comes, loving him means that you have to accept that he is having passionate sex with mom/sister/both, this is called a toxic relationship that you need to get out of.
The ultimate liberation in life is when you get to a point where you don’t need to be “right,” you don’t need to be “chosen,” you don’t need to be “heard,” or in “control.”I don’t need to” win.”You just let the chips fall where they might fall and most importantly, you know when to fold. You are kinder to yourself and stop feeling guilty for putting one foot in front of the other. You know who you are, you know what you deserve, you know what you want, and honestly, that’s all that matters. It’s none of your business what others think about you. What is your job is to have your own back so that you can get out of the toxic dynamics with dignity on your white horse.
Years ago, I overheard my boyfriend listening to his mom criticize my appearance, my family, and the fact that I was broke. He did nothing but listen and translated his silence as this kind of negative agreement that broke my heart and shattered my confidence.
My friend did not cut the cord with Mom. Why?: Mom always forgave him, made excuses for him (she still referred to him out of shape as a “fat kid”; he was 31 years old), and mom put him on a pedestal. So, when I did not put him on a pedestal and did not continue to excuse and forgive him for his consistent lies, cheating, and disrespect, he wrote to me. My friend was not able to establish a relationship independent of the one that he had with his mother. This ruined every relationship he tried to have.
Can there be exceptions where a man realizes that he wants a future with you and this will motivate him to deal with his dysfunction? Yes, of course, but this takes time and you need to see neediness and readiness in both his actions and words.
Talking is cheap. Talking only works on people who destroy themselves by believing those words without any backup work for them.
There are amazing moms, dads, brothers, and sisters out there who will support, love, and enrich the relationship you have with the right man.
If you are into” my boyfriend is very close to his mother/sister/has a strange relationship with a family member, ” dynamically, don’t waste your time trying to get him to see what you see, and don’t embarrass anyone or do anything to highlight the inappropriateness of what you feel. It’s not your job. Stay kind and be kind to yourself by coming out with dignity – not by trying to “win” a casino game in which the house always wins.
If he hates his mom This is another huge red flag. If you are involved with a man who hates his mother (he may not even realize that he hates her), then you are probably interpreting people who need and want you. Unless it’s a pet, an elderly citizen, or a child, no one should ever need you.
As I said before to people who need us mainly, taking an insurance policy on our abandonment issues. Even if he leaves, he won’t come out completely because he still needs something from you. Men who have a hateful, negative, angry, or non-existent relationship with their mothers tend to need women to date. They are trying to fill an unfillable void.
Are there great men who have a nonexistent relationship with their mom? Absolutely. But when they have hatred and/or anger towards mom, they will forever be incapable of a completely interdependent and mutual relationship. Because of not dealing with anger, they will not be able to be consistent. Many times, they end up resenting you for the very reasons they signed up for you.
Related : Dating A Narcissist: Everything You Need To Know
Hate is not the opposite of love ” – Elie Wiesel. When you hate, there are still very strong feelings there. The only place where love cannot reside is in a state of apathy. If he hates his mother, he will not be able to stop the “value/devaluation,” cycle (he puts everyone through who is unlucky enough to date him).
Men who hate their mothers tend to be hot and cold, have major jealousy issues, and are control freaks. Since they have such a painful lack of positive relationship with the female mother figure, they will indirectly (or directly) try to make you feel crazy, guilty, and anything that is not sexy or confident. This is because their confidence was obliterated by mom’s emotional and/or physical absence. Clear communication with him will also be impossible, as well as extracting any sympathy or understanding.
Can these issues be worked on if your man has them? Yes, they certainly can. Just make sure that you meet halfway and that you do not betray yourself. Listen to your intuition and make sure you don’t waste your time, hand the pen to others to write your story while sitting in the passenger seat of your car.
