Key Points
“Mini-narcissists” are on the road to disorder if intervention doesn’t change their trajectory.
The failure to develop certain abilities, such as empathy, suggests that a child may be at risk for narcissism.
The persistence of certain traits, such as selfishness, suggests that a child may be at risk for narcissism.
Make no mistake. Narcissism is on the rise. “All about me” behaviors and values have become entwined in so many aspects of daily life. This creates pressures that push us all—including our children—toward narcissism and unhealthy relationships.
While pathological narcissism can’t be diagnosed until age 18, the tendencies and traits that signal it can be seen in younger children and teens. These “mini-narcissists,” or future narcissists (N2Bs), are on the road to developing a fully-fledged disorder.
At-Risk Youth
Children with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (N2B) grow up to be selfish, arrogant, and unempathetic to others. Often raised as little princes and princesses, these children believe they are “better than” others and deserve special treatment. They may be demanding and moody, mean and aggressive, indifferent and manipulative.
Their lack of empathy compromises their ability to be good friends, they tend to “take advantage” of people, and they lack deep respect for the feelings of others. They are insensitive and selfish, and largely focused on getting their own needs met regardless of the overall impact. These are young people who never overcome the undesirable and immature tendencies and traits associated with age-appropriate youthful narcissism.
“Miniature narcissism” comes in a variety of sizes and shapes, ranging from unpleasant to irresistibly charming, from uncivilized and mean to practically perfect in every way. Regardless of their outward appearance, they all suffer from fundamental character flaws that stem from an unhealthy, often inflated self-concept and an immature model of love and relationships.
Narcissism is not necessarily a bad thing; it comes in both healthy and unhealthy forms. Healthy narcissism fuels the drive for competence, achievement, and connection, while unhealthy narcissism thwarts positive growth.
So what does healthy and unhealthy narcissism look like in children? Determining this primarily depends on the age and stage of the child. Certain behaviors at a young age may be developmentally appropriate, while the same behavior at an older age may be considered dysfunctional and indicative of uncontrolled narcissism.
For example, a preschooler’s request for chocolate milk “now, now” may be annoying, but it is developmentally appropriate. Seeing the same behavior in an eleven-year-old is an indication that something is not normal in the child’s development.
Similarly, a younger child might be expected to lack empathy—many four-year-olds have ignored their mothers’ selfless efforts to throw a fun birthday party—but that same lack of appreciation is not developmentally appropriate for a high school child. In short, there should be signs that a child is developing positively and gradually throughout the elementary, middle, and high school years.
Signs of Narcissistic and Non-Narcissistic Development in a Child
The failure of certain abilities, such as empathy, to develop and the failure of other traits, such as selfishness, to decline may indicate that your child is not maturing in healthy ways.
Six Emerging Skills and Abilities
Important skills and abilities should develop and improve with age. Their presence shows that a child is maturing in healthy, non-narcissistic ways, while their absence indicates that a child may be at risk for narcissism.
Empathy develops and becomes more sensitive, appropriate, and nuanced with age.
Cooperation (and cooperative relationships) increase in frequency and complexity with age.
Realistic and appropriate self-esteem grows more stable and distinct with age.
More mature coping strategies develop with age.
The accuracy of perception and interpretation of information improves with age.
Respect for the feelings of others increases with age.
Twelve-Faded Tendencies and Traits
The number of specific tendencies and traits should decline with maturity over the years. Progress in these areas is a positive sign, while failure to develop indicates that the child may be at risk for narcissistic vulnerability.
Emotional fluctuations should stabilize and subside with age.
Egoism should decline with age.
Entitlement situations requiring special treatment should decrease with age.
Angry or aggressive responses to criticism, injustice, and disappointment should decrease with age.
Demands to “get one’s way” should decrease with age.
The need to win or succeed without concern for the feelings of others (i.e., who will be hurt in the process) should decline with age.
Bullying behaviors (i.e., teasing, threatening, and blaming others) should decline with age.
Acting on information without considering its impact on others should decline with age.
Blaming others for poor outcomes or disappointments should decline with age.
Preoccupation with meeting one’s own needs (i.e., meeting the needs of others) should decline with age.
Envy should decline with age.
Extraordinary feelings of self-worth should decline with age.
As children grow and mature, they acquire a variety of skills and abilities during the developmental period. Each development is characterized by progress and regression, forward progress and regression.
However, failure to develop or improve certain skills over long periods, as well as the failure of other tendencies and traits to decrease or decline over time, can indicate that a child is at risk for maintaining undesirable narcissism into adulthood.
NarcissisticContinuum
Narcissism exists on a continuum that moves from health to disease. It looks like this:
Healthy Narcissism → Narcissistic Tendencies → Narcissistic Traits → Pathological Narcissism
The disorder and pathology progress from “healthy narcissism” to “narcissistic tendencies” to “narcissistic traits” and eventually to “pathological narcissism,” which is formally diagnosed as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). When people refer to narcissists, they are generally referring to pathological narcissists in the adult world. Future Narcissists (N2B) are actually “mini-narcissists” on the path to full-blown disorder if intervention does not change their trajectory.
My forthcoming book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies for Raising a Selfless, Unworthy, and Empathetic Child, identifies early intervention by parents and professionals as crucial to counteracting and changing these tendencies. Many narcissistic tendencies, if reinforced rather than reversed during childhood, become increasingly stable and dysfunctional over the formative years of childhood.
Eventually, the interplay of temperament and experience can establish enduring personality traits, some of which prove problematic. However, later on, these earlier narcissistic traits, if not addressed and treated, can lead to narcissistic personality disorder.
Changing a Child’s Narcissistic Trajectory
Parents and other influential adults have the power to encourage or discourage a child’s narcissism by supporting the development of healthy personality structures. Structures that prevent narcissism in a child include a healthy self-concept, an effective ability to regulate emotions, accurate cognitive and information-processing skills, and a mature model of love and relationships.
Narcissism in its pathological form, while not good for any of us, is particularly problematic for children. When these “little narcissists” are fully grown, they are unable to maintain satisfying relationships and miss out on opportunities for fulfillment, satisfaction, and happiness. Intervention to correct their developmental trajectory before it is too late is possible and helpful.
