Relationships are complicated.
Whether you’re talking about friendships, family relationships, or romantic encounters, the relationships in our lives either enrich our experience on earth or make it terrible.
When you’re dealing with a manipulative person, you may feel trapped.
Manipulative people can be difficult to spot, and even more difficult to deal with because they have a knack for making you feel like you’re the problem.
If you find yourself in the presence of someone who’s manipulating you or suspect they might be, here’s how you can tell.
1) They think their approach is the right one.
A person who’s intent on manipulating another person will stand their ground, no matter what.
They tend to be vocal about how their approach to a particular problem or situation works, and they need everyone to chime in.
There are several reasons for this; in particular, manipulative people need to control the situation and what people perceive to remain in control.
If they’re lying about something or trying to cover something up, staying in control is the best way to ensure they don’t get caught.
According to Dr. Abigail Brenner in Psychology Today, manipulative people “truly believe that their way of dealing with a situation is the only way because it gets their needs met, and that’s all that matters.”
If you feel like you’re dealing with someone who won’t give you an inch even if you give them a mile, you may have a classic manipulator on your hands.
2) They Push Boundaries in Your Relationship.
Manipulators will do everything they can to make you feel small and unworthy of their attention and love.
They’ll push boundaries that make you question your sanity and ultimately feel like your relationship’s demise is your fault.
Sharon Martin in Psych Central says that “manipulators, narcissists, and those with a poor sense of self tend to violate personal boundaries repeatedly.”
Manipulators push boundaries to get what they want.
And if you don’t have boundaries for yourself, you could be a prime target for a manipulative person.
If there are people in your life who are trying to manipulate you, you simply have to learn how to stand up for yourself.
Because you have a choice in the matter.
One resource I highly recommend to help you do this is the free, powerful course on Love and Intimacy from Ideapod.
In this 60-minute course, world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê will help you identify the manipulative people in your life so that you can be empowered to make a change. More importantly, he will also teach you a powerful framework that you can start applying today to truly free yourself from them.
The truth is, Rudá Iandê is not your typical shaman.
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This course is for you if you value honest, direct advice and want to be honest with yourself about what is needed to change your life.
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3) They blame you for their problems.
If you are dealing with someone who you think may be manipulating you, think about how often you walk away from a conversation with them feeling bad about yourself or feeling guilty about making their situation worse.
This is known as “mind manipulation,” where manipulation is used to make people question themselves and what they have done wrong.
As therapist Shari Stenz tells Time magazine, if you are being manipulated, you may feel guilty or defensive—as if you have done something wrong.
This is what Stenz calls “blaming the manipulators” because they “don’t take responsibility.”
If you are dealing with a manipulative person, both of these statements are true. Manipulators have a way of avoiding blame and pointing the finger at other people.
They will blame you and other people for everything from why they don’t make enough money at their job to why they can’t get concert tickets on Saturday night.
They are masterful artists when it comes to ensuring that they don’t take responsibility for their own lives.
4) They play on your emotions.
Manipulative people are cunning, and deceitful, and can approach a situation or action with a confidence that makes you feel disgusted.
Not only do they undermine people right in front of them, but they also tend to make you feel bad about your emotions.
When you’re feeling sad, they have a cunning way of making you feel sad because you’re feeling sad.
According to Timothy J. Legg, Ph.D., CRNP at Health Line, if you’re upset, a manipulative person may try to make you feel guilty about your feelings.
They may use phrases like, “If you loved me, you would never doubt me” or “I can’t take this job. I don’t want to be away from my kids so much.”
They make you feel guilty when you try to talk them out of their ways and make you feel less worthy of the things you already have and the relationships you felt were going well.
If they know you’re an emotional person, they’ll use that against you to gain the upper hand.
5) You feel like you’re talking to a brick wall.
Manipulative and deceitful people are very strict and quick-witted in their thinking. It’s a defense mechanism, but it’s also a tool they use to gain control of a situation.
If you approach someone you think is manipulating you and try to talk to them, they’ll shut their mouth.
Often, they’ll turn the conversation against you and make you feel like a bad person for even bringing it up in the first place.
They’ll sit there and look smug and be short with you, saying things like, “Yeah, okay, good, cool, mum.”
It’s annoying and makes you feel like you’re not getting anywhere with them.
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6) What They Say and What They Do Don’t Match Up.
The best way to tell if someone is trying to manipulate you or is a manipulative person in general is to watch their actions.
If they say one thing and do another, they are probably trying to hide something or are being dishonest.
According to Abigail Brenner, MD, in Psychology Today, to identify manipulative people, you should “characterize people by their actions and you will never be fooled by their words. Always remember that what a person says and what they do are two completely separate things.”
