There’s no denying that relationships are complicated.
Whether you’re talking about friendships, family relationships, or romantic encounters, the relationships in our lives can enrich our experience on Earth, or make it terrible.
When you encounter a manipulative person, you may feel trapped.
Manipulative people can be difficult to detect, and even more difficult to deal with because they have a knack for making you feel like you are the problem.
If you find yourself in the presence of someone who is manipulating you, or you suspect they might be, here’s how you can find out.
1) They believe their approach is the right one.
A person determined to manipulate another person will stand his ground, no matter what.
They tend to be very vocal about how their approach to a particular problem or situation is the only one that will work and they need everyone to buy in.
There are several reasons for this; In particular, manipulative people need to control the situation and what people see to stay in control.
If they are lying about something or trying to cover something up, staying under control is the best way to ensure they don’t get discovered.
According to Abigail Brenner, PhD, of Psychology Today, manipulative people “truly believe that their way of dealing with a situation is the only way because it means getting their needs met, and that’s all that matters.”
If you feel like you’re dealing with someone who never gives you an inch even if you give them a tilt, you may have a classic manipulator on your hands.
2) They cross lines in your relationship.
Manipulators will do everything they can to make you feel small and unworthy of their attention and love.
They will cross lines that make you doubt your sanity and you will end up feeling like the demise of your relationship is your fault.
“People who are manipulative, narcissistic, and have a poor sense of self tend to violate personal boundaries frequently,” says Sharon Martin in Psych Central.
Manipulators cross boundaries to get their way.
If you don’t have boundaries, you may be a prime target for a manipulative person.
If you have people in your life who are trying to manipulate you, you simply have to learn how to stand up for yourself.
Because you have a choice in the matter.
One resource I highly recommend to help you do this is Ideapod’s very powerful free lessons on love and intimacy.
In this 60-minute masterclass, world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê will help you identify the manipulative people in your life so that she can empower you to create change. Most importantly, it will also teach you a powerful framework that you can start applying today to truly free yourself from them.
The thing is, Rudá Iandê is not a typical shaman.
As he spends time with indigenous tribes in the Amazon, singing shamanic songs and playing drums, he is different in an important way. Rhoda made shamanism relevant to modern-day society.
He communicates and interprets his teachings to people living ordinary lives. People like you and me.
Check out the Masterclass here.
A word of warning. The teachings that Rudá Landê shares in this course are not for everyone. It doesn’t help you avoid your fears or smooth over what’s going on in your life.
This course is for you if you value honest, direct advice and want to be honest with yourself about what is needed to change your life.
Here’s a link to it again.
3) They blame you for their problems.
If you’re dealing with someone who you believe is manipulating you, think about how many times you’ve walked away from a conversation with them feeling bad about yourself or feeling guilty because you made their situation worse.
This is known as ‘gaslighting’ where manipulation is used to make people question themselves and what they have done wrong.
If you’re being gaslighted, you may feel guilty or defensive — like you’ve done something wrong, says therapist Shari Steines in Time magazine.
This is what Steines calls “blaming manipulators” because they “don’t take responsibility.”
If you are dealing with a manipulator, both statements will be true. Manipulators have a way of evading blame and pointing the finger at others.
They’ll blame you and others for everything, from why they don’t make enough money at their jobs to why they can’t get concert tickets on Saturday night.
They are master artists when it comes to making sure that they do not take any responsibility for their own lives.
4) They play on your emotions.
Manipulative people are cunning and cunning and can approach a situation or action with a sense of confidence that makes you feel bad.
Not only do they put people down in front of them, but they also tend to make you feel bad about your feelings.
When you feel sad, they have a sneaky way of making you feel sad until you feel sad.
According to Timothy J. Legg, PhD, CRNP at Health Line, if you’re upset, a manipulative person may be trying to make you feel guilty for your feelings.
They may use phrases like, “If you loved me, you would never ask me out” or “I couldn’t take this job. I don’t want to be away from my kids so much.”
They make you feel guilty when you try to talk them out of their ways and make you feel less worthy of the things you already have and the relationships you felt were going well.
If they know you are an emotional person, they will use that against you to gain the upper hand.
5) You feel like you are talking to a brick wall.
Manipulative and conniving types are difficult and quick in their thinking. It’s a defense mechanism, but it’s also a tool they use to control the situation.
If you approach someone who you think is manipulating you and try to talk to them, they will shut down.
Preston NE M.S.B.A. He says in Psychology Today that manipulative people tend to engage in “playing the stupid game”:
Oftentimes, they will turn the conversation on you and make you feel like a bad person for even bringing it up in the first place.
They’ll sit there and look smug and be short with you, saying things like, “Yes, okay, good, great, mmmm.”
It’s annoying and makes you feel like you’re getting nowhere with them.
6) What they say and what they do do not match.
The best way to know if someone is trying to manipulate you or if they are a manipulative person, in general, is to observe their actions.
If they say one thing and do another, they are probably trying to hide something or are not true to their word.
According to Abigail Brenner (M.D.) in Psychology Today, to spot manipulative people, you must “describe people by their actions and you will never be fooled by their words. Always remember that what a person says and what he does are two completely separate things.”
We can’t always understand why people do the things they do, but one thing is for sure: If someone is lying to you about where they have been, what they’ve been doing, or who they’ve been with, it’s not true.
The hard part about being manipulated is that you are left reeling from being taken advantage of, and at the same time, you are left trying to deal with someone who doesn’t keep their word.
(Manipulative and toxic people can only ruin your life if you let them. Learn how to stand up for yourself by embracing your inner beast. Find out how to do it in these free Ideapod master classes)
#Reclaiming Control: How to Deal with Manipulative People
It takes all kinds of people to make this world an interesting place.
Respecting and loving each other is always the goal, but sometimes, we encounter people who seem to do things on purpose that we neither respect nor like.
People with a tendency to manipulate often do not have close relationships, but people with a tendency to manipulate live on eggshells, and the tension is palpable.
If you’re trying to deal with someone who’s manipulating you, you have a few options. The first is to decide to do something about it.
The second is to be willing to step away from any situation to ensure your safety.
Manipulation is about power, control, and, in some cases, cruelty.
Here are 5 tips to help you deal with manipulative people:
1) Anger
Here’s a counterintuitive tip if you want to break free from manipulative people: Get angry with them.
I believe that anger can be an excellent motivator to make a real change in your life. Including moving on from manipulative people.
Before I explain why, I have a question for you:
How do you deal with your anger?
If you’re like most people, you repress it. You focus on having good feelings and thinking positive thoughts.
that understood. We have been taught throughout our lives to look on the bright side. The key to happiness is simply to hide your anger and envision a better future.
Even today, positive thinking is what most personal development “gurus” preach.
But what if I told you that everything you learned about anger is wrong? Could this anger – if harnessed properly – be your secret weapon to a productive and meaningful life?
Shaman Rhoda Yandy has completely changed the way I see my anger. He taught me a new framework for turning my anger into my greatest personal strength.
If you too want to control your natural anger, check out Ruda’s excellent lessons on turning anger into your ally here.
I recently took this course myself where I discovered:
The importance of feeling angry
How do I claim ownership of my anger?
A radical framework for transforming anger into personal power
Controlling my anger and turning it into a productive force has been a game-changer in my life.
Rhoda Iande taught me that anger does not mean blaming others or becoming a victim. It’s about using the energy of anger to build constructive solutions to your problems and make positive changes to your life.
Here’s a link to the master class again. It’s 100% free and there are no strings attached.
2) Level the playing field.
When it comes to dealing with someone who is manipulating you, the first step in dealing with them is to make sure you are in a safe place.
Lauren Suero, Ph.D. ABPP offers some great advice in Psychology Today:
Before you encounter a manipulative person, make time to go to a local coffee shop or restaurant where he or she can’t get unduly angry and intimidated.
This type of atmosphere will also help you keep your emotions in check, because once you open the door wide, you may be overwhelmed by anger or frustration.
It’s best to make sure your conversation takes place in a place where you can talk openly, but without making a scene.
If your manipulator is physically hurting you, this is also the safest way to deal with them.
Classic manipulators and abusers wouldn’t seem like they would hurt a fly, but behind closed doors, others aren’t safe.
3) Avoid blame.
When you sit down to talk about what you were feeling and what you were seeing, make sure not to blame them for their actions.
Sure, they need to take responsibility for the way they treat you, but there’s no need to blame them to get them to admit it.
According to Timothy J. Legg, PhD, CRNP at Health Line “Don’t try to beat them. Two people shouldn’t play this game.”
The truth is, if someone knows they are manipulating you, they are unlikely to stop. However, if you suspect that this person has no idea how they are treating you, making sure you don’t blame them can go a long way in reopening the relationship.
Not all manipulators aim to hurt people. Many people only work with what they have to turn the situation in their favor; A conversation about how you’re feeling can help turn the tide back onto a level playing field.
4) Hold your ground.
Of course, if you find yourself faced with a true manipulator who is doing his best to make your life miserable, you will need to stand your ground when you confront him about it.
This means that no matter what happens, you will stand up for yourself and be clear about what you will and will not tolerate.
It’s hard to advise on the right answer on how to treat people because everyone needs something different, so if you feel like what you’re getting isn’t good enough or is hurting you in some way, say so.
And then stand your ground. Don’t let them twist the situation so you look like the bad guy, which is a classic maneuvering move.
Do not stand for this type of treatment. Decide in advance what the consequences might be for this person who chooses not to comply with your requests.
[Standing your ground is an essential aspect of mental resilience. For a deeper dive into how to be more mentally tough, check out Hack Spirit’s eBook on How to Become More Mentally Strong here]
5) Be clear about what you think is going on.
An important part of dealing with someone with manipulative tendencies is that you need to be very clear about what they are doing that is hurting you and how they are doing it.
You don’t need to try to explain it, and you don’t need to ask them questions about why they do the things they do.
However, you need to make sure that you can provide examples of how they treat you and how you would prefer to be treated.
It’s not an easy conversation to have, and the likelihood of them attacking you as a way to protect themselves is very high.
When it comes to dealing with a manipulative person, you need to be clear about what you want, need, and expect from them. If they can’t achieve that, it may be time to move on.
When you’re talking to a manipulative person, Lauren Suero, Ph.D. The ABPP reminds you that it is important that you stick to our original point:
If you want to learn more about the signs of manipulative people and how to deal with them, watch this video we prepared about the characteristics of a conniving person and how to deal with them.
