There’s no denying that relationships are complicated.
Whether you’re talking about friendships, family relationships, or romantic encounters, the relationships in our lives can either enrich our experience on Earth or make it daunting.
When you’re faced with a manipulative person, it can feel like you’re trapped.
People can be difficult to manipulate and even more difficult to deal with because they have a knack for making you feel like you are the problem.
If you find yourself in the presence of someone who is manipulating you, or suspect that they might be, here’s how you can tell.
1) They believe their approach is the right one.
Someone bent on manipulating another person will stand their ground, no matter what.
They tend to be vocal about how they approach a particular problem or situation is the only approach that will work and they need everyone’s participation.
There are several reasons for this; In particular, manipulating people needs to control the situation and what people see in order to stay in control.
If they are lying about something or trying to cover something up, staying in control is the best way to ensure they don’t get caught.
According to Abigail Brenner M.D. in Psychology Today, manipulative people “truly believe their way of handling a situation is the only way because it means their needs are met, and that’s all that matters.”
If you feel like you’re dealing with a guy who never gives you an inch even if you give him a flair, you might have a classic manipulator on your hands.
2) They cross lines in your relationship.
Manipulators will do everything to make you feel small and unworthy of their attention and love.
They’ll cross lines that make you question your integrity and end up feeling like your relationship’s demise is your fault.
Psych Central’s Sharon Martin says, “People who are manipulative, narcissistic, and have a poor sense of self tend to frequently violate personal boundaries.”
Manipulators cross boundaries to get their own way.
And if you don’t have boundaries yourself, you may be a prime target for a manipulative person.
If you have people in your life trying to manipulate you, you simply have to learn how to stand up for yourself.
Because you have a choice.
One resource I highly recommend to help you do this is Ideapod’s very powerful free mastery lesson on love and intimacy.
In this 60-minute course, world-famous shaman Rudá Iandê will help you identify the manipulative people in your life so you can make a change. Most importantly, it will also teach you a powerful framework that you can start applying today to truly free yourself from them.
The thing is, Rudá Iandê is not your typical shaman.
While he spends time with the indigenous tribes of the Amazon, singing shamanic songs and beating his drums, he is different in an important way. Rhoda made shamanism relevant to modern day society.
He communicates and interprets his teachings to people who lead regular lives. People like you and me.
Check out the Masters here.
A word of warning. The teachings that Rudá landê shares in this training program are not for everyone. It does not help you avoid your fears or smooth out what is going on in your life.
This course is for you if you value honest, straightforward advice and want to be honest with yourself about what it takes to turn your life around.
Here’s a link to it again.
3) They blame you for their problems.
If you’re dealing with someone you think is manipulating you, think about how often you walk away from a conversation with them feeling bad about yourself or feeling guilty about making their situation worse.
This is known as “gaslighting” as manipulation is used to get people to question themselves and what they did wrong.
Therapist Shari Staines tells Time magazine that if you’re gassed, you may feel guilty or defensive — like you’ve done something wrong.
In fact, this is what Staines calls “blaming the manipulators” because they “don’t take responsibility.”
If you are dealing with a manipulator, both statements will be true. Manipulators have a way of getting around blaming and pointing fingers at others.
They will blame you and others for everything from not making enough money at their jobs to why they couldn’t get tickets to the concert on Saturday night.
They are consummate artists when it comes to ensuring that they take no responsibility for their lives.
4) They play on your emotions.
Manipulative people are cunning and cunning and can work a situation or action with a sense of confidence that makes you feel bad.
Not only do they undermine people right in front of them, but they also tend to make you feel bad about your feelings.
When you’re feeling sad, they have a crafty way of making you feel sad because you’re feeling sad.
According to Timothy J. Legg, PhD, CRNP at Health Line, if you’re upset, the manipulative person may be trying to make you feel guilty for your feelings.
They may use statements like “If you really loved me, you would never ask me” or “I couldn’t take this job. I don’t want to be away from my kids so much.”
They make you feel guilty when you try to talk to them out of their ways and they make you feel less deserving of the things you already have and the relationships you felt were going well.
If they know that you are an emotional person, they will use that against you in order to gain the upper hand.
5) It sounds like you’re talking to a brick wall.
Manipulative and conniving types are tough and quick in their thinking. It is a defense mechanism, but also a tool they use to control the situation.
If you approach someone you think is manipulating you and try to talk to them, they will be turned off.
Preston NY of MSPA says in Psychology Today that manipulative people tend to engage in “playing the dumb game”:
Often times, they will turn the conversation on you and make you feel like a bad person for even bringing it up in the first place.
They’ll just sit there looking smug and short with you, and saying things like, “Yeah, well, good, cool, mmmmm.”
It’s annoying and makes you feel like you’re getting nowhere with them.
6) What they say and what they don’t match.
The best way to know if someone is trying to manipulate you or is just a manipulative person in general is to watch their actions.
If they say one thing and do another, it is likely that they are trying to hide something or that they are not taking their word for it.
According to Abigail Brenner M.D. In Psychology Today to spot manipulative people, you must “characterize people by their actions and you will never be fooled by their words. Always remember that what a person says and does are two very separate things.”
We can’t always understand why people do the things they do, but one thing is for sure: If someone is lying to you about where they were, what they were doing, or who they were with, it’s not true.
The hard part about being manipulated is that you reel from being taken advantage of and, at the same time, are left trying to deal with someone who doesn’t keep their word.
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Taking Back Control: How to Deal with Manipulative People
It takes all kinds of people to make this world an interesting place.
Respecting and loving each other is always the goal, but sometimes, we run into people who seem to be doing things on purpose so that we don’t respect or like them.
People who tend to be manipulative often don’t have close relationships, but people who do do live on eggshells and the tension is palpable.
If you are trying to deal with someone who is manipulating you, you have a few options. The first is to decide to do something about it.
The second is to be willing to walk away from any situation to ensure your safety.
Manipulation is about power and control, and in some cases, cruelty.
Here are 5 tips to help you deal with manipulative people:
1) Get angry
Here’s a counterintuitive piece of advice if you want to break free from manipulative people: get angry at them.
I believe that anger can be an excellent motivator to make real change in your life. Including moving from manipulative.
Before I explain why, I have a question for you:
How do you deal with your anger?
If you’re like most people, you suppress it. You focus on having good feelings and thinking positive thoughts.
thats understood. We have been taught throughout our lives to look on the bright side. The key to happiness is simply to hide your anger and envision a better future.
Even today, positive thinking is what most mainstream personal development “gurus” preach.
But what if I told you that everything I’ve learned about anger is wrong? That anger – if harnessed properly – can be your secret weapon to a productive and meaningful life?
Shaman Ruda Iyandi has completely changed how I view my anger. He taught me a new framework for turning my anger into my greatest personal strength.
If you also want to tap into your natural anger, check out Rhoda’s outstanding tutorial on turning anger into your ally here.
I recently took this course myself where I discovered:
The importance of feeling angry
How do I claim ownership of my anger?
A radical framework for transforming anger into personal strength
Taking charge of my anger and making it a productive force has been a game changer in my life.
Rhoda Iande taught me that anger is not about blaming others or becoming a victim. It is about using the energy of anger to construct constructive solutions to your problems and make positive changes in your own life.
2) Leveling the playing field.
When it comes to dealing with someone who is manipulating you, the first step in dealing with them is making sure you are in a safe place.
Before you confront a manipulative person, make an appointment to go to a local coffee shop or restaurant where they can’t get too mean and freak you out.
This kind of atmosphere will also help keep your emotions in check because once you leave the gates, you may be overcome with anger or frustration.
It’s best to make sure that your conversation takes place in a place where you can talk openly, but without making a scene.
If your manipulator is physically abusing you, this is the safest way to deal with him.
Classic manipulators and abusers never seem to hurt a fly, but behind closed doors, others don’t feel safe.
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3) Avoid blame.
When you sit down to talk about how you feel and what you’ve been seeing, make sure you don’t blame them for their actions.
Sure, they have to take responsibility for the way they treat you, but you don’t have to blame them for making them do it.
According to Timothy J. Legg, Ph.D., CRNP at Health Line “Don’t try to beat them. Two people shouldn’t be playing this game.”
The truth is, if someone knows they are manipulating you, they are less likely to stop. However, if you suspect that this person has no idea how they treat you, ensuring that no blame can go a long way in reopening the relationship.
Not all manipulators set out to harm people. Many of them just work with what they have to turn the situation in their favor; A conversation about how you feel can help put the tide back on an even playing field.
4) Hold your ground.
If, of course, you find yourself facing a real manipulator who is doing everything he can to make your life miserable, you will need to stand your ground when you confront him about it.
This means that no matter what happens, you will stand up for yourself and be clear about what you want and will not put up with.
Preston NYMSPA’s Psychology Today department offers some great advice:
It’s hard to give advice on the right answer on how to treat people because everyone needs something different, so if you feel like what you’re getting isn’t good enough or is hurting you in some way, say so.
Then stand your ground. Don’t let them twist and turn the situation around so you look like the bad guy – the classic manipulator Moe.
Don’t stand for this kind of treatment. Decide ahead of time what the consequences will be if this person chooses not to comply with your requests.
5) Be clear about what you think is going on.
An important part of dealing with someone who has manipulative tendencies is that you need to be very clear about what they are doing and hurting you and how they are doing it.
You don’t need to try to explain it away, and you don’t need to ask them questions about why they do the things they do.
However, you need to make sure that you can give examples of how they treat you and how you would prefer to be treated.
It’s not an easy conversation, and the possibility of them attacking you as a means of protecting themselves is very high.
When it comes to dealing with a manipulative person, you need to be clear about what you want, need, and expect from them. If they can’t deliver, it may be time to move on.
When you’re talking with a manipulative person, Loren Soeiro, Ph.D. ABPP reminds that it’s important that you stick to our original point:
