Key Points

Relationships with narcissists initially appear normal as the narcissist projects the image of a caring person.

As the relationship continues and the façade falls, trauma bonds may have already formed.

Narcissistic abuse in a romantic relationship mirrors the stages of the domestic abuse cycle.

While narcissistic tendencies have been on the rise due to the “everyone is a star” aspect of social media, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder differ in that their narcissistic traits are significant enough to disrupt their lives and prevent them from forming healthy relationships.

If you’ve never felt a slight attraction or even a slight fascination with a narcissist, you may wonder how someone could fall in love with someone who will always think more highly of themselves than their partners. Unfortunately, narcissists are often charming, attractive, and able to convince someone that they are the perfect partner for them. Not only do narcissists believe they are the smartest and best, but they are also able to convince others that they are. They portray themselves to their partner in a way that is almost too good to be true. While they are generous “love bombs” at the beginning of the relationship, once they captivate their partner or once they get bored with them, their behavior changes. The facade cannot hold up in the long run, and cracks begin to appear between projection and reality.

Related : Why Narcissists Act the Way They Do

In the early stages of the relationship, when their partners are still enthralled by the narcissist’s projection of a stable, loving partner, the relationship will feel “normal.” However, when the partner begins to get tired of providing copious amounts of admiration, attention, obedience, and flattery, a cycle of narcissistic abuse can begin.

EveryExchangeIsATransaction

Narcissists do not love others unconditionally and do not feel the kind of love that others feel in healthy relationships. Narcissists do not empathize with their partner, and they cannot understand what their partner is going through or feeling. Their self-esteem is paradoxically fragile, so they cannot support their partner because of their all-out efforts to keep their egos inflamed. While narcissists may overwhelm a potential partner with exaggerated displays of affection, this reflects a desire to “win” the game, not build a relationship. Once their goal is achieved, the partner is viewed as an object or tool, not an equal. Narcissists use people to satisfy their narcissistic hunger or to help them get more of what they want.

Narcissists distribute “love,” using whatever symbols or language they believe constitute love based on what their partner provides. The relationship is transactional, and the more support the narcissist’s ego requires, the greater the partner’s recognition of the inequality in the relationship. Everything has a string attached to it, and these strings can tie the partner into knots. These knots are better known as trauma bonds.

Trauma Bonds That Bind

A trauma bond is a type of emotional connection that forms between abusers and victims (Casassa, Knight, & Mingo, 2021). This type of bond often describes the connection between a narcissist and their romantic partners. Characteristic features that define trauma bonds include a power imbalance between the couple, a mixed pattern of negative and positive involvement from the narcissist, and a confusing experience for the partner that he or she is grateful for the narcissist’s positive attention but also feels responsible for and blameworthy for any negative attention.

Other signs of a narcissistic trauma bond include making excuses for a partner’s behavior, even if it involves abuse. The narcissist may try to embarrass, humiliate, or “punish” their partner for perceived slights or “outdo” them, and when a trauma bond is formed, the partner will accept the abuse. They justify abusive behavior regardless of its type—emotional, spiritual, physical, sexual, etc. Trauma bonds have a way of destroying otherwise healthy bonds with family, friends, and anyone else who may become too close. It takes a high price to try to maintain the facade of a “perfect couple” with a narcissistic abuser, and avoiding close relationships reduces the amount of denial or defensiveness needed to dismiss people’s concerns. It’s not easy, but there are steps you can take to free yourself from an abusive, narcissistic partner.

Learn as much as you can about healthy and unhealthy relationships. Recognizing the signs of a trauma bond as early as possible provides the best chance of breaking the bond.

Recognize that a trauma bond can be addictive because of the nature of the cycle of abuse. After a narcissist has insulted you, your need to feel their approval will drive you to do everything you can to win their favor, and they will respond until the cycle starts again.

Focus on getting your needs met and maintaining a healthy sense of self.

Set clear boundaries that you are willing and able to maintain, especially if you share a home and cannot leave. When boundaries are crossed, reframe them, and do not let yourself be drawn into an emotional response. Knowing that they have the power to trigger a reaction feeds the narcissist, so remain calm, collected, and uninvolved.

Practice speaking up for yourself in all situations. This can build self-confidence and help you claim your space and protect your boundaries.

It is difficult to fall in love with a narcissist, and it can be even more difficult to get out of the relationship. Remember, a happy ending is just a fantasy. Taking care of your own needs should be your priority, not pleasing a narcissistic partner.