Being hit with a love bomb sounds glorious! Their generous attention and affection seem to answer our prayers. We have found Mr. or Mrs. Right – our soul mate; Without realizing we are being targeted by a narcissist. The bomber suddenly changes colors and loses interest, and our dream collapses. Rejection hurts, especially at the height of romance. It is a painful shock to our hearts. We feel cheated, betrayed and abandoned. We are confused and trying to make sense of the nightmare that was once a dream. What we thought was real was actually a mirage. We search for answers, doubt and blame ourselves, and often lose confidence in ourselves and the opposite sex.
Sometimes, partners are hidden by their disappearing fiancé, dumped via text, email, or phone call. If they are rejected in person, they are bewildered by the coldness of the narcissist, who has just expressed his love and promised an amazing future together. They may discover that they were eliminated for a new potential client, cheated on, or were cheated on all along. It’s devastating and can be hard to let go of, because all their memories are happy and wonderful. It takes time to accept the reality of who the bomber really is. Denial protects victims from the painful truth that the relationship was not what they imagined.
Love bombing and narcissistic supply
Research shows that love bombers have low self-esteem and are often narcissistic. Although not all narcissists are love throwers, some non-narcissists are. Despite the facade of confidence and independence, narcissists feel insecure and empty. They need constant reassurance or “narcissistic supply” from those around them, but, like vampires, it is never enough to fill their emptiness or satisfy their hunger.
Related : 14 Thought-Control Tactics Narcissists Use to Confuse and Dominate You
Instead of trust, they actually fear that they are not wanted. Their sense of self is determined by what others think of them; They try to control what others think in order to feel better about themselves. Thus, love bombing is a way to attract attention, boost the ego, and satisfy self-enhancing needs for sex, power, and control. When they feel depressed, suffer a loss, or are disappointed by their latest conquest, they search for new narcissistic supplies.
Many narcissists use seduction, engage in play, and use relationships for self-enhancement. Dating is intense and moves fast. Attention can be amazingly exciting for the recipient. There is often over-communication, reflecting the love throwers’ need for affirmation, usually via text or social media, where they can exert more control from a distance.
Idealization and undervaluation
For a narcissist, it is not enough to be loved or appreciated. It only counts when the other person has status or highly valued qualities, such as wealth, beauty, special talents, strength, fame, or genius. Narcissists idealize potential partners to increase their lack of self-esteem. The idea is: “If I can win the admiration of this very attractive person, then I must be worthy of it.”
As reality creeps into the relationship, they discover that their partner is unsuitable or fear that their empty, flawed selves will be revealed as expectations for emotional intimacy increase. Any slight or imagined hole in their partner’s ideal image feels hurtful. As the narcissist’s view of their ideal partner deteriorates, their hidden shyness causes increasing discomfort. They, in turn, project this onto their partner, who criticizes and devalues them. This is especially true for perfectionist narcissists. When their partner’s shine fades, they no longer offer anything satisfying to boost their self-esteem. They dump their partner and look elsewhere for a new source of narcissistic supply. When relationships with narcissists persist, the partner feels drained, hurt, resentful, and lonely. Disrespect and lack of attention damage his self-esteem over time.
Attachment styles
Narcissists have insecure attachment styles that are either avoidant, anxious, or a combination of these. People with insecure attachment styles feel basic insecurity stemming from relationships with primary caregivers. They question the reliability of others to meet their emotional needs, and they base their self-esteem on the behavior and responses of others. (Related reading: “When a Narcissist Is Also Codependent.”) One study showed that people with an insecure attachment style were more likely to engage in love bombing.
Certified partners
Most codependents also suffer from low self-esteem and insecure attachment styles and seek relationships to validate their worth. Their unconscious belief is: “If I am loved, then I must be loved.”
Although some codependents may act in ways that appear needy and insecure, narcissists hide their neediness and act confident, controlling, proud, and even arrogant—like a male peacock showing off his feathers. For insecure people, this offer is very attractive. They admire and are attracted to the traits they want to have. They also glorify narcissists, who absorb their admiration. Narcissists are skilled and charming communicators, and adept at making people admire and love them. Both narcissists and codependents are able to adapt to each other’s likes and needs, but for narcissists, it is a tactic of seduction; For codependent people, it is a way of communicating and their personality style. (Conquering Shame compares the personality types of narcissists and codependents.)
Related : 8 Toxic Ways Narcissistic Mothers Emotionally Abuse Their Children
When codependent people experience love bombing, their low self-esteem also rises. They finally felt seen and valued, unlike their childhood. They imagine a future free of their inner emptiness and loneliness with this perfect companion who will always love them. In the first stage of mutual admiration, they ignore or do not see potential differences or problems.
Solution
The good news is that we can change our attachment style. (Related reading: “How to Change Your Attachment Style.”) At the same time, it’s important to take it slow when dating. Rushing into intimacy does not rush love, only our attachment. It is an attempt to satisfy personal and psychological needs. It takes time to know someone. This is how trust and love grow in a healthy relationship. Mature people will not use seduction, charm, or make premature promises and expressions of love. They take time in dating in order to evaluate whether someone will be a good long-term partner, and they do not want to disappoint or hurt them.
Stay in touch with your body and feelings. In the midst of a new romance, wonder if your “excitement” isn’t actually anxiety about rejection and uncertain hope about a rosy future. Do you feel free to be open and honest and set boundaries or are you walking on eggshells? Are you committed to satisfying your partner? In other words, can you be honest, say “no,” and express your negative feelings? This usually takes time and trust. Codependents often believe: “I trust people until they give me a reason not to.” Mature individuals know that trust must be earned. Love bombers lie, but it takes time to find out.
