I am married to a narcissist. He has not acknowledged us for five years, but the other day I discovered that he had secretly opened a bank account several months earlier and put some money in it.
He is emotionally, verbally, financially, and sometimes physically abusive to me, and we have talked about divorce on and off. We do not have children. I need to leave and he wants me to leave, but I do not feel strong enough. I am scared, and I feel like I will lose everything. I have more savings than him, but his retirement plan and pension are bigger. I started my own business two years ago, and at his urging, I left my job to work full-time, but it will take time to generate income. I cannot afford to live without the support and benefits his job provides. How do I know what I am entitled to so that I can get a fair divorce?
The breakdown of a marriage is never a happy event, but sacrificing your sanity for a narcissist is not a healthy option. Your husband does not care about you or your relationship, and such active disregard can go a long way toward making you vulnerable to depression and despair. It’s especially important now to pay attention to your own needs and take action on your behalf. Yes, plan to separate, but be prepared. Unless you’re in physical danger, don’t move without first consulting a lawyer. This doesn’t necessarily mean hiring a lawyer long-term—just read one for some advice.
It will save you money in the long run. Alternatively, you may be able to get help through a civil or family law clinic at your local law school. You may be entitled to spousal support, at least until you can support yourself. Also, keep track of your husband’s accounts; all assets acquired during a marriage should usually be divided equally. And be sure to record all instances of abuse. It’s the desperation that makes you feel like you’re losing everything. Remind yourself of what you’re leaving behind: your life, your health, your job. You’re losing a bad marriage, a steady stream of fear and disappointment, and a channel of dreams for the future that will soon be replaced by other channels. For a while, you’ll feel unsettled in the routine of everyday life. By your own account, the price of this relief is too high. It’s time to take care of yourself.
Dating After Divorce, Reproduction
How does a man or woman manage a 40- to 50-hour work week, raising children with different interests, and dating after a divorce where fidelity itself has been a major issue? A woman recently advised, “You may have to do some juggling to arrange going out at times that don’t conflict with [your children’s] needs,” but I question the simplicity of your answer. My kids are angry at both parents about the impending separation, and it’s hard to find the time to relax, let alone reassure them that it’s okay for “Mommy to go out and have fun” or “Daddy to have fun with some woman.” We’re both in our 50s, married for 26 years and have four kids. Isn’t dating just an excuse to abandon the family?
Swallowing a divorce you didn’t want can certainly affect the taste of whatever comes after. Once the dust settles, selective dating is a responsible way to move forward. There’s still dust in your house. If you don’t think it’s wise to throw away a 26-year marriage, why go ahead with a divorce? Couples can survive infidelity; it often takes some professional help. One partner may have strayed, but in most cases, both partners were not paying enough attention to each other or were ignoring the underlying problems in the marriage. Anger at one partner and blaming them for the transgression often obscures one’s contribution to the weaknesses in the marriage.
Have you and your spouse aired all of your grievances? This is a necessary step in saving the marriage or coming to terms with its demise. Can she summon compassion for the pain she caused you? If so, and you’re both willing to allow some time for the wounds of infidelity to heal, it may be worth getting help from an experienced counselor to renegotiate a new and improved relationship. Dealing with infidelity carries more than enough emotional traps for both partners; the crisis is further complicated by having to deal with four children who are angry about the breakdown of their family and perhaps confused by the surprise.
It’s one thing, and a difficult one at that, to learn that your parents, after all these years, are about to divorce; but I hope you and your spouse have kept the infidelity from them. And if even your adult children ask why you’re getting a divorce, all they need to know is that there are unresolvable problems. And if divorce turns out to be the only way forward, at some point you’ll have to find a way to work through your anger and disappointment and help your children work through theirs. When that happens, you’ll see dating for what it is—not a shirking of duty in favor of sexual indulgence, but a healthy step toward finding the kind of companionship that makes life fulfilling.
