It is difficult to leave someone in a relationship if you have an emotional connection and concern for the other person’s well-being. For people in a relationship with a narcissist or addict, even though the relationship has been difficult and possibly destructive, there is still a real concern for the other person.
What can be difficult to realize is that the level of care and commitment to the relationship is not being reciprocated by the other person. Addicts are often consumed by addiction, and this creates an emotional unavailability in the relationship. Narcissists are unable to reciprocate and see the relationship as a means to get their needs met without the intention of giving or engaging in a healthy, balanced relationship.
Leaving an addict or narcissist is often an essential part of self-care. Staying in these relationships is destructive and damaging to your emotional and mental health, and can also have a significant impact on your physical health. Even if there was no physical abuse or violence in the relationship, there is often long-term damage to self-esteem and self-worth.
Guilt Factor
Guilt is a common emotion for people who leave an addict or narcissist. Those who leave addicts often feel guilty because they fear that removing stability and support will send the addict into a downward spiral of addiction. There is always the idea that they just need more time to change, or that you are somehow responsible for creating the situation to facilitate that change.
The guilt of leaving a narcissist is not much different from the guilt of leaving an addict. However, the narcissist also plays on your feelings, giving you glimpses of what an “ideal” partner they could be when they choose to do so. Of course, they are also very clear that it is your fault that they are not the ideal partner, so this builds on your feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, and need to be in the relationship.
Both partners often use your feelings of guilt, insecurity, and fear against you. You may hear statements that play on your sense of obligation to them, blaming you in advance for their actions and emotional state if you leave them.
Leaving is essential; it is the only way to begin healing. To avoid getting trapped in a dysfunctional relationship because of an addict or narcissist, use the following strategies and tips:
Plan your exit – Work with a therapist or counselor to plan your exit from the relationship. Taking responsibility for your exit with a trusted professional can help you avoid the tricks and tactics that will draw you back in.
Understand your reasons – When you are clear about why you are leaving and how it is necessary for your health and well-being, it is easier to make a decision and avoid manipulative behavior from the other person.
Cut all ties – A narcissist or addict can make you feel guilty even after you have left. Cut all interactions with the individual through social media, phone calls, and texts, and talk to friends about not passing on messages. If you have contact or communication, keep it brief and on your terms.
Finally, do something wonderful for yourself. Go on a trip you’ve always planned, reconnect with old friends, create your own space the way you want it, or celebrate your freedom by enjoying your time feeling comfortable in being your own independent and empowered person.
