First, I was going to write about the different layers of our healthy boundaries, starting with our skin and ending with our renewed spirit. But I stumbled over the language. Most of our borders are either created or destroyed by language. We forget that language is primarily the creator of reality. Through language we discover and clarify our identities. Language is also a builder and maintainer of relationships, creating bridges of understanding between people.
In the redemptive sense, the way we speak, the words we use, and even the tones we use as we communicate, are in the best sense intended to create community.
The ultimate goal of language should be understanding, not winning. Communication is about bringing people together, creating unity, identifying differences, and expressing individuality. None of this should be a threat, but we live in a world where language is one of the weapons of choice.
The goal of this post is to make you aware of how reckless language use can damage people, sometimes irreversibly, but also to provide you with strategies to combat language misuse in yourself, your family and beyond. The power of life and death is in the tongue, as the Bible says. Current studies on the effects of language on our bodies give this more than just a metaphorical meaning.
Five cases of verbal abuse
1: Lies.
This is one of the most obvious violations, and arguably the most serious. The problem with lying is that it makes a relationship impossible. How can you have a relationship with a mirage? But the problem is that lying contains within it so many forms of abuse that I could write a book about it. Here is a brief list of lies and their effects:
Direct lying breaks the foundation of the relationship.
Propaganda manipulates people’s emotions
White lies assume that the other person is too weak to tell the truth.
Withholding information is withholding safety from others.
Exaggeration can be manipulative.
2: Shyness.
The words we use towards others can greatly affect who they are. As a college professor, I have students who remember very clearly the disgraceful criticism from their fifth-grade teachers who told them they were poor writers. Okay, breaking news. All fifth graders lack prowess in their writing skills.
Related : 8 subtle but convincing phrases narcissists use to guilt you into staying with them
Criticism is only useful when it is constructive and directed toward the task at hand. When we criticize others directly, we judge them, and that is never our job except by jury. Gossips often judge others behind their backs. The goal of personal criticism is always to raise the value of the critic at the expense of the criticized.
We can judge actions and words, but never the individual.
We judge people’s fruits. We do not judge people without exposing ourselves to danger. Criticize work, not fifth grade.
: Inappropriate language.
Every abuser, whether sexual, emotional, or physical, breaks down each other’s barriers by using sexual language first. An abusive man can never make a woman love him if he starts hitting her right away. A child molester uses sexual language to open doors and break down barriers to intimacy. Abusers slowly push the boundaries using increasingly degrading words and accusations. Sometimes the abuser says terrible things about others to the intended victim, creating a false sense of intimacy. It’s only a matter of time until they say those things about their victim. Staying silent while an abuser is abusing someone behind their back lets them know that you will remain silent when your turn comes.
Inappropriate language is everywhere these days. Here are some of them and their effects:
Calling names dehumanizes others.
Derogatory terms create feelings of insecurity, unworthiness or self-disgust.
Racist language dehumanizes others.
Coarse or degrading sexual language turns humans into animals and sex into an act of violence.
Actual physical threats frighten and cause fear.
4: Manipulation through guilt.
Trying to blame someone is another misuse of language. True communication requires two participants and two listeners. But cavalier language has become the norm these days, and our overuse of it has contributed to the current division in our country. The “us-versus-them” rhetoric is included in this category. In fact, society has not evolved beyond the star-bellied sneezers and starless sneezers in Dr. Seuss’s children’s book. The purpose of arrogant talk is exclusion, not inclusion.
5: Too much talking.
There is a difference between people who talk a lot and those who bombard others with a swarm of words. People who gossip may have insecurity issues. It seems to me that those who control every conversation belong to a number of different categories. Some are controlling and need to control the conversation in order to ensure their safety. These people are often funny or have great stories. But make no mistake, they are building a wall of words to keep you away.
Abusers are bombarded with words just to silence you. Narcissists in particular have no tolerance for the give and take in normal conversation because they know they have no foundation to stand on.
Related : Five Signs that Reconciliation is Impossible
Fast talkers and smooth talkers just want to sell you something, a product, a false story, or maybe just a version of themselves. Either way, their words cover rather than reveal.
Words should always highlight the problem rather than confuse it.
Finally, there are the drainers who monopolize your time with their self-pitying monologues. If you feel guilty for not wanting to listen to them, it’s best to set some boundaries. After all, drainers want to steal your energy and time.
How do we win this war of words that we fight every day?
The way we use our words can help keep us safe. However, using our words wisely is the work of a lifetime. A moment of weakness and we can put ourselves on that list above. Here are some formulas for creating safe boundaries for communication.
Listen to yourself. If a conversation makes you uncomfortable, the language is likely to be used against you instead of communicating. If you feel bad, be true to yourself.
Make your discomfort known out loud. The way I do this is I’ll say, “When I hear you say , I feel __.” I can’t count the number of times this tactic has prevented the conversation from going too far. I wish all young women knew how to do this when a man tries to cross boundaries Just observing what is happening out loud creates verbal boundaries. It is a polite but firm way to let the other person know that they should not continue. Another question to force users of offensive language to come out in public is to ask them to explain themselves if they have just said something ugly They will back down.
Let your intentions be known. If someone is fighting or yelling at you, staying calm is a good idea. But better yet, tell them at once that you don’t want to continue the conversation. Then don’t continue with it. If you feel trapped in the conversation, give them a time limit. Be prepared to enforce this time limit. This is beneficial for sellers as well as bankers. This way you don’t have to feel rude but you set the rules of the conversation.
People won’t hear “I don’t have much time,” but they will hear “I have ten minutes to give you, but at noon, I have to leave.”
Telling the truth is a safe boundary. Abused women often lie because they are afraid. I know I did. But telling the truth led to greater security than hiding how bad it was. Lies are always discovered.
Change the atmosphere by saying positive things. We once had a very negative family member. We resolved to only talk about the positive things around them. Each time he steered the conversation away from dark topics. I once had a very argumentative class. Their arguments were ill-considered and often veered into the ugly. Instead of making the class a lecture course to silence them, I wrote the word “peace” on the board.
The first time, I had them look at the word and think about it. Some of them reported feeling more peaceful. After that, I just put the word on the board and had no problems for the rest of the class.
Positive language sets expectations. When I told my students that I knew they could succeed, they did. I knew other professors who were happy to tell their classes that half of them were going to fail. Their students lived up to their expectations.
Language has the power to make or break society. You probably remember a lot of negative things other people said. I am not defending politically correct speech or challenging the right to free speech.
However, in a culture where people are allowed to say what they want, it is wise to know what you want to hear.
Use your language carefully and wisely. Just because your words may be unpopular doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say them. However, the way you say these words often makes a difference in whether you are heard or not. If you find yourself speaking to win, you will only attract like-minded people. If you speak to bring understanding, from a place of invitation, people are more likely to hear you. Few things are as rewarding as knowing that you have been heard.
He who has knowledge keeps his words, and he who has understanding is humble in spirit. Proverbs 17:27
The words of a slanderer are like wounds, and they descend into the chambers of the stomach. Proverbs 18:8
Have you seen a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope in the fool than in him. Proverbs 29:20
Good words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and healing to the bones. Proverbs 16:24
