It can be definite when a relationship ends and you can look back and see that the person was toxic or narcissistic. You will be able to realize that there is nothing you can do to change the unhealthy patterns between you. Letting go or accepting the ending may be easier.
It can feel empowering to say out loud “He was toxic” or “He was narcissistic.” It would never have worked.” If you’re feeling empowered, and maybe even a little angry, the whole experience can make you feel a little bigger instead of smaller. Sometimes it hurts less when you can sit back and say, “It was them, not I”.
We go a bit overboard with these phrases and character descriptions, and that’s not doing anyone any good.
For people in truly unhealthy and abusive relationships, we reduce their experience to a pithy list and run the risk of normalizing unhealthy relationship patterns. They can soon tell themselves a story that these are just things everyone has to deal with, that they are common in relationships, and they can lose their motivation to make a change.
If you’re dealing with heartache and relieving your pain by telling yourself a story that the relationship was toxic or that you were only with a narcissist, you may feel relieved at first but you could also be setting yourself up for a whole new round of hurt and not even know it.
After a breakup, you’re supposed to ask yourself the tough questions: What happened? What happened? What do I miss? Did you try hard enough? Answering these questions as truthfully and honestly as possible is your biggest defense against repeating all of this again in your next relationship.
If you come out of a failed relationship with a story that you couldn’t do anything, then you didn’t do the work and will likely find yourself in a similar situation again with no clue as to how you got there.
Worse still, if you don’t learn from your past and apply insight to your future interactions, you develop your own unhealthy patterns — an ingrained way of doing things that may not be very helpful, and that’s how you actually breed toxicity.
Related : Why Narcissists Are SO Sure They’re Better Than You
Toxic people lack insight into their own relationship patterns. They fail to see the negative impact that their way of moving through the world has on others. If you don’t look at yourself, evaluate and set new goals and instead rely on comforting yourself that your ex was toxic, you risk becoming toxic yourself.
You may have to face the painful truth.
Sometimes people can be good. Just not good for each other. beginning. middle. end.
It’s that simple and it’s sad at the same time. Sometimes people just want different things, or have different priorities, or need different things, or have different ways of navigating the world.
Those endings are very difficult. No wonder it’s tempting to write them off using the cliched phrase “toxic.” It’s very painful to be apart from someone you still love and still respect but realize that you both just want different things. This is illogical. You find yourself walking away from the huge potential and are left shaking your head as to why two people, with the best intentions, couldn’t make it work.
For a moment, it might be easier to call your ex “selfish” or “narcissistic” and tell yourself that he didn’t love you enough to be what you needed. It’s crazy, confusing, and heartbreaking.
However, sometimes, this is also unavoidable.
However, in those moments, you know who you really are.
Unfortunately, many of life’s lessons are preceded by pain. I’m sure we all want to skip the pain part and quickly move on to where we learn the lesson. When these types of relationships end, the ones that end with two people who are good but not right for each other, it’s usually because at least one partner has become clear about what they need and want in a committed relationship.
Related : How To Parent Your Child When The Other Parent Is A Narcissist
Sometimes, you can’t clearly define what you want or need until you go through a period of not having it. Sometimes, when you finally figure it out, you’re not with the right person who can give it to you. Maybe they really want it. You may really want this for each other but for whatever reason, it just can’t work out and the best thing you can do for each other is to let each other go in peace.
Get over the pain and then go after what you want!
This is where the point is in going through heartbreak. That’s why you’ve been in that horrible hole for a while… Now you know what you need and want, and you’re free to go out and get it. This is definitely scary, but it’s worth it. You will feel vulnerable because knowing what you want does not guarantee that you will find it right away on your next turn of the racket but the odds are definitely increased and in your favor.
When you are clear about what you want and need in a relationship, you simply find it faster. You say “no sooner” and stop “waiting and seeing” if something is going to be okay. You lose all of that when you walk away from your current relationship with a misleading story of toxicity or narcissism.
