Isolation is one of the last areas of our hurting souls that can be healed after prolonged abuse. I think it’s Frodo Syndrome. After returning from his successful quest, he cannot regain his status in his previous life. I notice this in many people who succeed in escaping a hellish marriage or relationship in this same way, including myself. The further I get away from my first marriage of twelve years, the more the internal isolation fades, but it still comes to the surface.
I will continue to parallel Frodo, borrowing the story from The Lord of the Rings. Frodo is clearly not a victim of intimate terror or even narcissistic abuse. However, I can’t help but see Sauron, the Great Eye (or me), as the ultimate narcissist. The desire for power over others always comes from a place of hatred and entitlement. A person can get drunk on many vices; Power is just one of the most tempting and destructive forces.
So, if you’re coming out of a situation of domestic violence or emotional abuse, Frodo, the Ring Bearer, can show you a few things about healing and why it takes so long.
1: Victims of abuse must confront malignant evil.
For one to fully come to terms with one’s situation, the fact that one spouse means serious harm can be difficult to face. Cognitive dissonance sets in very quickly, as does helplessness. Our bodies understand what our minds cannot; That the person who swore to love us hates us. Hate seems like a weak word. It’s just an emotion. The goal of a narcissistic abuser is to completely destroy us. Seeing the isolated face of evil causes an inner isolation that never goes away. We know a lot about what one human being can do to another.
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The Eye of Mordor is considered a strange villain because it lacks personality. But it’s precisely this lack of identity that makes it so horrific. When we peek behind the narcissistic curtain, we find that the same emptiness lurks there. The inexplicable destruction of the Holocaust is centered in an individual relationship, with the stronger wanting to eliminate the weaker. Why did anyone want to eliminate the Jews? Hate arises from the pain of rejection, anger at betrayal, or even fear. The will to annihilate another person comes from a place that has never been touched by love. It is the absence of love coupled with the will to destroy.
2: Confronting evil comes at a great cost.
We all know Edmund Burke’s quote: “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” But why don’t good men do anything? They are busy calculating the cost. I don’t know anyone who goes through a divorce with a narcissist and doesn’t do so at a heavy personal cost. It is not the money but the meanness that is sometimes terrifying. My ex-boyfriend brought my notes to court, threatened me with prison, and brought in aides to testify falsely against me. And it was easy. I know many women who have lost their children to their attackers while fleeing the attacks.
Frodo bore physical and spiritual wounds, which, although healed, were never completely healed. I still have moments of anger, sadness, and absurdity, watching my daughters fight the anxiety, trauma, and despair that comes from a father who relished in their pain. But what brings me a measure of healing is knowing that their lives are not ruined. Healing comes from understanding that the cost is worth the freedom.
3: Isolation is part of abuse.
My ex took us out to deep Kentucky. Being separated from friends and family made me more vulnerable. Frodo had Sam, thank God. He would never do that. But I had the Holy Spirit that strengthened me from the inside out until I was ready to leave. But for many years, I thought no one could understand what I went through. This is part of the ongoing isolation of abuse. We’re afraid to know if anyone else knows what it’s like.
Interestingly, my blog is part of the healing process in this area. I receive emails from many women and a few men as well. They tell me their stories. Some have emerged from their prisons, while others are preparing for the big leap. Still others are looking for validation. can I leave? Will God still love me? These questions make me sad, but I know I once asked the same questions. Too many people get into situations beyond their control. But she is not alone. God has helped me, sometimes through direct intervention and miracle. Communication helps suppress loneliness and isolation.
4: Abuse trains us to be silent, and keeps us isolated.
Abuse teaches us that lying or silence will keep us safe. We have to sway day after day, trying to avoid the wonderful eye isolation pin falling on us. I think of Frodo wearing an elven cloak and hiding on a hillside in Mordor as orc armies pass by. This is a picture from the life of an assault victim. Below, Frodo took small breaths, trying to avoid any movement or sound. It wasn’t until I saw a counselor that I realized I’d been holding my breath for decades. Whenever a feeling hit me, I would stop breathing until it went away. Subconsciously, even though I was free from this marriage, I still believed that showing any emotion meant immediate punishment.
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What a freedom it was to cry in front of my therapist, to breathe through all the anger and sadness. But the longer one stays in an abusive system, the longer it takes to break free from the shackles of silence. Reclaiming our voices is crucial to regaining a sense of belonging. Not everyone has to hear our story, but someone has to hear it, for us, at least. Once again, this blog has given me the opportunity to tell my story without having to watch the disbelief or discomfort on someone else’s face. Stories of abuse are unbelievable to those who have not experienced it, which is another type of isolation that afflicts victims.
I believe the ultimate healing task is to learn how to be with others, and to regain a sense of belonging. Frodo had to leave his hometown. His friends understood his dilemma, but they did not wear the ring around their necks for long. We must fight for our voices to tell our horrific stories. Our bodies have to learn affection and ease. Trust will come slowly, as will the belief that we are loved. But they come. In the end, isolation is only the last chain broken by the reality of love, love from God, from ourselves, and, if He blesses us, from others.
