“My mother cared a lot about appearance. What people thought. What people said. Who got mentioned at church, in the local paper, and who won awards. My older brother and I accepted that as the way of the world when we were kids; it wasn’t who you were, it was what you did and who liked it that mattered. I was a pretty kid, but in her opinion, I became an ugly kid in elementary school and after. I was too fat, too clumsy, and that was it. I grew up feeling ashamed of myself, you know? My brother played soccer, but he got bad grades; in our small town, that made him a star. I got good grades, but she stopped taking pictures of me when I was 10. The few pictures I have were taken by relatives and friends. How awful is that?”
Unloved children share some experiences, but not others. The neglected and ignored child lives in the shadows, but he doesn’t suffer the pain of living in the glare of a mother high in narcissistic traits. The child of an emotionally unavailable mother feels pressure to succeed and gain attention because he needs to try to win his mother’s love, but this pressure comes from within, unlike the daughter of a controlling mother who is constantly pushed and shaped. This controlling daughter lacks the space to act, think, feel, and be herself. The aggressive mother teaches her child to shield herself, avoid confrontation at all costs, and stay out of the spotlight—the opposite strategy of a daughter with an emotionally unavailable mother.
While all of these mothers are unloving, their daughters develop different maladaptive ways of coping, have distinct emotional responses, and are damaged in specific ways.
Points of Convergence
Mothers with high narcissistic traits and those who need to control their daughters view their offspring as extensions of themselves, not as individuals in their own right. The degree of support, attention, and care they receive—and I’m not using the word “love” here—is entirely dependent on how well they meet their mother’s expectations.
Controlling and narcissistic mothers impose their needs on their daughters, not realizing that their children have needs of their own. Controlling and narcissistic mothers appear, at least in the eyes of others, to be very well-adjusted, competent, and even successful, although both types may be insecure about themselves and fear being exposed or showing their shortcomings. These hidden feelings add to the tension when it comes to the appearance of their lives, and both tend to be perfectionists in everything, including their daughters. Their own ambitions—admiration and demand—are passed on to their children, who are required to look good to others and be admired as well. Because her children are seen only as a reflection of her, any imperfection in the child becomes a project for the mother herself, something that needs to be addressed or fixed to fit in with the perfectly tended garden and carefully curated appearance she presents to the outside world. “I was young when my mother made it clear to me that I couldn’t be friendly with everyone. Some people would reflect poorly on me and us as a family, and these were the kids I couldn’t invite. The friends she chose for me were kids I didn’t feel comfortable with, so I stopped trying to make friends. She didn’t like that either—having a nerdy daughter who preferred reading and didn’t participate in sports or school plays was embarrassing. She turned her energies onto my younger sister, who was much more docile and willing than me and made me a scapegoat. I’m 39 now, and that’s still the story.”
Narcissism or Control: Sometimes Related, Sometimes Not
While these two types may seem closely related and even interchangeable—narcissists can be controlling, and controllers can be narcissists—they have different motivations, as well as distinct ways of justifying their behaviors.
A narcissistic mother’s treatment of her child is driven by the mother’s need to be the center of attention at all times. The way she treats her child or children is not thoughtful at all, and the truth is that she has no idea what drives her behavior. Either her children reflect positively on her or they do not; there is no middle ground. They either please her or they anger her, and if they do, that child becomes a scapegoat and is isolated. This mother engages in a lot of play and manipulation to keep all eyes on her; that is her goal. The controlling mother has other fish to fry. Yes, she cares about appearance, as does the narcissistic mother, but she is driven by her fears and insecurities and leaves nothing to chance. She needs to be wanted, praised, and appreciated, and she does not trust the vagaries of fate or chance when it comes to raising a child. While the narcissistic mother relishes the power she has over others, including her children, the controlling mother truly believes that without her intervention, the children will fail at almost everything. She is driven by fear, but she disguises her control as a form of power. She is an authoritarian mother—it’s “my way or the highway” 24/7—but she truly believes it is necessary. However, the messages she conveys to her daughter underscore the fact that without her help, the daughter will drown.
InsecureAttachment as a Coping Mechanism
Children whose emotional needs are not met in childhood—whose mothers are not attuned enough, are ignored, or do not give them the support and space to explore—are said to be insecurely attached. There are three types of insecure attachment: anxious/preoccupied, avoidant-ignorant, and fearful-avoidant. A daughter who displays an anxious/preoccupied style wants close connection, but is hypervigilant about her rejection or refusal; she is hypersensitive to perceived slights and emotionally volatile. A dismissive-avoidant daughter does not seek close connection; she sees others as needy and prides herself on her independence and resilience. A fearful-avoidant daughter wants connection, but her emotional vulnerability makes her protect herself; she is driven by fear.
Daughters of narcissistic and controlling mothers may exhibit any of these attachment styles in adulthood or a combination of several.
What daughters of narcissistic and controlling mothers have in common
- Difficulty managing emotions.
This, along with poor emotional intelligence, is a hallmark of all daughters whose emotional needs were not met in childhood, regardless of maternal style. Children learn how to manage feelings of sadness and hurt through interactions with a relatable adult, usually their mother, during childhood. As attachment theory has shown, when this process does not occur, children either distance themselves from their feelings to avoid stress (avoidant attachment style) or become overwhelmed with emotion (anxious/preoccupied attachment style).
- Inability to see themselves.
Since both types of maternal behaviors focus on outward appearance—a daughter is defined by what she does, not who she is—it is easy for a daughter to lose focus on her thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, and aspirations. Many of these daughters grow into adulthood with little knowledge of their true selves, which are buried deep within.
- A distorted idea of love.
These mothers teach their children that love always comes with a price or conditions, and that understanding can be a lifelong burden for a daughter. She is likely to be drawn to people who treat her like her mother did—we all gravitate toward familiarity, even when it makes us unhappy—and who defines love in the same way.
The Narcissistic Mother Effect
Since this mother is a skilled and manipulative player who strives to remain the center of attention, the impact she has on her daughter depends in part on the child’s submission. The golden or trophy daughter follows the program, losing sight of herself in the process; if she is detached enough, she may exhibit narcissistic traits. The blamed daughter recognizes the toxicity, but she may suffer from significant inner turmoil. What to do: pay attention to her feelings and acknowledge them, or stay in the game and try to get her mother to love her?
Regardless of her status—whether she’s a star or an outcast—the daughter of a narcissistic mother will be affected in some specific ways.
- The habit of second-guessing and self-criticism.
Challenges to the daughter’s perceptions, whether through gaslighting or constant yelling about what’s wrong with her, take their toll. Although she may be outwardly successful, she’s also riddled with self-doubt. And, anecdotally at least, there doesn’t seem to be a middle ground in terms of achievement: Either the daughters stumble and fail to set or achieve goals, or they succeed in life.
- Normalizing narcissistic behavior.
All young children believe that their small world is like other families; they believe that what happens in their home happens everywhere. The daughter of a narcissistic mother may believe that marginalization or exclusion is the way things are in the world, that you must earn every ounce of attention you get or, if she is the favorite or appreciated child, that love requires you to hide your true self and be whatever your mother wants you to be. She is likely to be drawn to narcissistic friends and lovers, and it will take her a long time to realize how damaged and wounded she has been by her mother’s treatment, because of her tacit acceptance.
- She has problems with intimacy and communication.
Although this daughter may desire close relationships, her inability to manage her fears and insecurities and her attraction to those who treat her as her mother did (or still does) will get in the way.
The Effect of the Controlling Mother
It’s sad that the term “helicopter mother” has crept into the conversation because it sounds more benign than “controlling”—and there’s nothing benign or good about this type of mother. These daughters have a 24/7 diet of making them feel inadequate, with a consistent message: “You’re nothing without me.”
Being raised this way leaves them with specific deficits and problems.
- Confusing control with power.
This daughter’s justifications for her mother’s behavior—“She was cruel, but she had my best interests at heart,” “She really meant well,” “She didn’t realize how much pain she caused me”—often leave her confused about the difference between power and control. Unfortunately, she’s more likely to feel comfortable around people who control her, even if they make her unhappy and ignore her needs and ideas, as her mother did.
- Lack of resilience.
The habit of self-criticism is so deeply ingrained in many of these daughters that they are largely driven to avoid failure at all costs. Of course, we all have setbacks and make mistakes, but the daughter of a controlling mother sees these moments as a symbol of her worthlessness and has a very hard time recovering. Setting her goals low is often a lifelong pattern.
- Inability to act
A controlling mother deprives her daughter of the space to make her own decisions and trust her instincts and thoughts. As adults, these girls become afraid and unable to act on their behalf and end up doing what someone else thinks they should do. Without such guidance, they are more likely to remain in situations—both in their professional and personal lives—that make them miserable.
