Due to the pandemic, many of us are celebrating Thanksgiving differently in 2020. Some are having dinner out, others are avoiding food altogether, and others are opting to connect via Zoom.

But as different as things will be this year, one thing that will never change about the holidays is the challenge of dealing with narcissistic loved ones, especially a narcissistic mother. In preparation, I’ve put together some tips on how to recognize and deal with a potential narcissistic mother.

5 Signs You Have a Narcissistic Mother

1. She Views You as an Extension of Herself

A narcissistic mother views her children first and foremost as an extension and reflection of herself. She loves her children because of what they can do for her. She loves her children’s accomplishments because of how well they reflect back on her. For this reason, any attempt by a child to assert independence or agency is likely to be met with anger, hostility, or guilt as a way to “get them back on track.”

2. Her Love Is Conditional

A narcissistic mother controls her children through her love. Her love is not a gift, it is a weapon. It is given as a reward to get the child to do what she wants and withdrawn as a punishment when things don’t go her way. One consequence of this conditional love is perfectionism. Children of narcissistic mothers, especially daughters, are likely to become perfectionists in a misguided attempt to win their mother’s conditional approval.

3. Lack of Empathy

Narcissists view everyone else through a selfish lens. They can only see a situation in terms of how it affects them personally, not how it affects others. A narcissistic mother is unwilling and unable to see a situation through her child’s eyes—only her own thoughts and feelings matter. If your conversations with your mother ignore your personal concerns and constantly refer to her own feelings and experiences, there is a good chance she is a narcissist.

4. Gets angry when things don’t go her way

Narcissists tend to have volatile emotions. They shower you with love, praise, and gifts when you do what they want, but they quickly turn on you when you step out of line and go against their wishes. As such, narcissists are very good at finding fault in others but are completely blind to their own shortcomings. Nothing is ever their fault. Every slight, sarcastic comment or harmless misunderstanding is seen as a personal attack. They are always the victim. If you’ve ever found yourself avoiding your mother’s mood, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

5. She Cares Too Much About What Others Think

Narcissism and vanity go hand in hand, especially among female narcissists. They act like they don’t care what others think but in reality, they do. They want others to see them as attractive, beautiful, slim, and sexual (this can sometimes lead to them seeing their daughters as sexual competition). Or maybe they want others to see them as high status and so they show off their expensive purchases. Or maybe they spend hours every day making sure their home is spotless and organized. For narcissists, appearance and the opinions of others are most important. This may lead you to believe that narcissists have high self-esteem, but deep down, this is far from the truth. Even their self-love is conditional. As a result, they constantly have to prove their worth to themselves through the approval of others.

How to Break Free from a Narcissistic Mother

Dealing with a narcissist is difficult because their worldview is designed to always see themselves as a victim rather than a perpetrator. For this reason, narcissists rarely seek treatment or therapy for their distorted views. In those rare cases where they do seek help, it is only because they believe it is in their best interest (not because it is in the best interest of their loved ones). So if your narcissistic mother refuses to get help, and even refuses to acknowledge that she is a narcissist, what can you do?

The good news is that there are things you can do to deal with a narcissistic mother.

Related : Getting Over a Narcissistic Mother

Here are some:

Accept and let go: Simply acknowledging that your mother is a narcissist can go a long way toward healing your old wounds. It’s not your fault (despite what she may tell you) and there’s nothing you can do to fix it. If you feel yourself slipping into self-blame, remind yourself that her words and actions stem from her own psychological issues. You can take it a step further by acknowledging that she’s suffering in her own mental prison and empathizing with her and her situation. She may have a very dysfunctional and distorted way of showing that she cares for you, but she does care. But be aware that empathy doesn’t mean you should give in to her drama or let her hurt you. This is where setting boundaries becomes important.

Related : Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Set boundaries: When she tries to manipulate you, guilt trip you, or attack you when things don’t go her way, be prepared to set some boundaries. Calmly explain that this way of dealing with you is not constructive and that you won’t accept it. Set boundaries or “mental lines in the sand” that you don’t want to cross. For example, if your mother responds by yelling at you, she might say that if you raise her voice again, she will end the conversation until you calm down and can have a rational conversation. Note that these boundary conditions are very difficult to think about right away, so prepare ahead of time by thinking about possible scenarios (If I do X, I will respond Y). Also note that just because you draw a line in the sand doesn’t mean she will respect it. In fact, narcissists rarely respect other people’s boundaries, so be prepared to repeat these boundaries and implement your conditioned responses more than once. It’s a bit like training a stubborn child, but over time, if you stick to your boundaries, she should eventually understand (hopefully).

Walk away: If your mother continues to disrespect you and ignore your boundaries, you may have to make a difficult choice about how long you are willing to let her continue to be a part of your life. Remember, being in a relationship with a narcissist is a choice, no matter who they are. If you can’t work things out in a healthy way, you can choose to cut her out of your life entirely. You can also choose to set stricter boundaries, such as only communicating during holidays and family celebrations. The point is, you hold the cards. You have the power to decide who gets to be in your life and who doesn’t.

Seek validation from others: Nothing can replace the unconditional love and validation we all crave from our mothers. If your mother was a narcissist, she may simply not have been able to provide you with what you need. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get those needs met in other ways. Other family members, friends, spouses, coworkers, teachers, and mentors are all potential sources of validation and support that you can seek out.