As another birthday (or Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or holiday) passes without a word from your adult child, you’re feeling more hurt than ever. Doesn’t my child feel any sympathy? You ask yourself. Does she not care what it is for me not to hear from her to-day?
It’s so sad to think that your own flesh and blood might feel less anxious about leaving you alone on a special day than they would with a stranger. Lack of empathy is a possible (but not required) criteria for diagnosing narcissism. But before you rush to pin the label “narcissist” on your adult son or daughter, consider the following.
People hurt…
There’s a pithy saying that’s absolutely true: People who hurt people hurt people. One of the hardest ideas for parents to swallow is that despite your best intentions and sincere efforts, your child feels hurt in some way because of the way you treat them. That’s why he doesn’t want to be close.
We have research on this, and it’s true across the board. Adult children cut their parents only as a way to protect themselves. Not to punish you, or because they don’t care about you. It’s because they have been hurt so many times.
This is a truth that is too painful and confusing for most parents to understand. Especially if you have done your best to love and protect your child throughout his life. However, it is possible to go all out and unintentionally cause damage. It is part of human relationships, and none of us can escape this danger. Especially parents.
Another explanation
If your child doesn’t express sympathy to you on your special day, it’s likely for one of two reasons:
She’s sympathetic, but since you’re not talking today, you have no idea she feels bad for you; wow,
She feels sorry for herself today. She feels a loss because she doesn’t have the kind of relationship with you that makes her want to call, write, or come to celebrate. This is as much a loss for her as it is for you.
When people are busy licking their own wounds, they don’t have the bandwidth to deal with other people’s pain. It is a natural point of compassion that coincides with suffering.
It hurts when your child ignores you, especially on special days; There’s no denying that. But unless he meets the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, your child’s apparent lack of empathy may be better explained in another way.
Related : Narcissism and the Myths That Just Won’t Die
Hurt people hurt people. It’s a vicious circle. And it can only end when one person – the “bigger” person – decides to listen and care about the other’s pain first.
It’s really hard to do, but empathy breeds empathy. Can you be the change you want to see in a relationship?
