Although someone may not consciously engage in this behavior, unintentional emotional manipulation is real.

It refers to the denial, rejection, or distortion of someone’s sense of reality. It can be considered emotional or psychological abuse.

Anyone can become an unintentional emotional manipulator—even a simple white lie or exaggeration can fall into this category.

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But when someone consistently engages in emotional manipulation—even when they’re not aware of it—it can seriously hurt others and erode their relationships.

In this article, I’ll talk about unintentional emotional manipulation and how it happens when someone unknowingly manipulates others, making them question their reality.

It can be harmful and have significant impacts on relationships and personal well-being.

What is unintentional emotional manipulation, and is it real?

There’s no specific term for unintentional emotional manipulation, but it’s real. Some people may call unintentional gaslighting “light gaslighting,” “covert gaslighting,” or “unconscious gaslighting.”

Others place it in the same category as gaslighting without distinguishing whether the gaslighter is voluntarily lying or not.

Gaslighting allows people to maintain control over a situation or person. In abusive relationships, gaslighting can distort another person’s reality to the point where they question their motives, relationships, and overall values.

In milder situations, gaslighting can help people avoid accountability or avoid shame.

Do gaslighters realize they’re gaslighting?

Some gaslighters have insight into their behavior. It’s a common misconception that abusers or narcissists don’t realize their actions.

Many people know what they’re doing is wrong, but they consider the validation and control they receive to be worth it.

Some gaslighters may not realize the true nature of their manipulation. They may have good intentions (lying to protect someone else or presenting themselves more positively as a way to seek approval), but the surrender can still be harmful.

Is unintentional emotional manipulation a form of abuse?

Unintentional emotional manipulation can become abusive, even if the patterns are not explicit.

Lying paves the way for mind games, denial, and secret agendas. This hurts others and can destroy relationships. It makes the victim feel disrespected and unappreciated.

What are the effects of unintentional psychological manipulation?

Unintentional psychological manipulation can make people feel ashamed, guilty, afraid, or confused. It can also lead someone to believe that a particular problem is their fault, even when that is not true.

Unintentional psychological manipulation also inhibits trust. It is difficult to trust someone if you feel they are constantly manipulating you or making you look like the bad guy.

You may find yourself withdrawing from the relationship and assuming resentment. This can lead to increased feelings of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. It can also exacerbate issues like substance abuse.

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Examples of Unintentional Psychological Manipulation

Most people engage in unintentional psychological manipulation from time to time. Here are some ways people can manipulate emotions without realizing it:
Example 1

Valuing someone’s feelings or experiences: This might look like a parent telling their young child during a tantrum, “You’re just tired” (even if they are upset or hungry).

It can also sound like a partner saying, “It’s a good thing you didn’t get that job. You’d end up hating that commute.” Even if part of the statement is true, assuming a universal truth can be a form of emotional manipulation.

Example 2

Toxic positivity: Toxic positivity may sound good in theory, but saying clichés like, “Everything will work out okay!” or “Everything happens for a reason” can sometimes come across as dismissive or even cruel.

The truth is that hard things happen, and pretending they don’t invalidate someone’s actual experience.

Example 3

White lies: White lies (“I love your dress!” “I’m sorry I was late—I thought the party started in an hour!”) may seem harmless, but they can be a form of unintended manipulation, especially if the other person finds out the truth.

Example 4

Insisting on the ultimate truth: Life can be very subjective, but when people assume they always know what’s best, they ignore the needs and feelings of others. This can be a form of emotional manipulation.

Belief in an all-or-nothing extreme: Statements like “You never listen to me!” or “We always do whatever you want on the weekends” are too strict and often untrue. This type of emotional manipulation is often seen as judgmental and can cause deep resentment in relationships.

Example 5

Accusing someone of being too emotional/sensitive: Ignoring someone’s internal state can be a form of emotional manipulation.

You may not agree with how someone is responding to a situation, but directly belittling their reaction is not considerate.

How to Deal with Unintentional Emotional Manipulation?

Emotional manipulation can range from feeling uncomfortable to feeling extremely angry. Chronic manipulation becomes a form of abuse – you are no longer emotionally safe in the relationship. It’s like the other person has disproportionate power and control.

Here are some ways to manage and respond to unintentional manipulation:

Give someone the benefit of the doubt

Sometimes manipulation can be annoying, but you may realize that it’s fairly harmless.

For example, your neighbor might tell you that street cleaning has been canceled next week.

You’re pretty sure that’s not true, but they insist that it is. Rather than assuming you know what’s best, giving someone the benefit of the doubt means checking the accuracy of their beliefs. They may still be wrong, but it’s worth keeping an open mind.

Ignore it (when it doesn’t affect you)

You don’t always have to respond to unintentional manipulation. When it’s not directly about you, intervening can cause other problems.

For example, you might be frustrated that your coworker keeps lying about traffic when you know she’s chronically late.

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But it might not be appropriate for you to confront her or talk to your boss about it. The situation will continue on its course, and it may be best to avoid getting involved.

Identifying Manipulation

If you want to address manipulation, you have to come to terms with the truth and tell the other person what is happening. If you want someone to change their behavior, they have to know how their behavior is affecting you.

Let’s say you want to order dessert, and someone sarcastically says, “You sure can’t be hungry after that huge dinner!” Instead of ignoring them or responding passive-aggressively, you can respond by saying, “I like the cake here, and my appetite is not up for debate.”

Set Solid Boundaries

Boundaries protect your integrity and can stop or reduce manipulation. Boundaries require you to identify who you are and set boundaries with others.

In the same example above, a boundary might look like, “Please don’t talk about what I’m eating.

I find it uncomfortable. If you do that again, I’m leaving this dinner.” Remember, you have the right to set boundaries at all times and in all relationships.

If someone can’t respect them, it’s worth reevaluating the parameters within that dynamic.

Change the way you communicate

You may notice that certain topics lead to emotional manipulation in your relationships. For example, whenever you try to talk to your mother about how your father’s drinking bothers you, she becomes defensive and accuses you of being overly judgmental and critical.

If you want to maintain a positive relationship with your mother, you may decide that it’s best to avoid the topic altogether.

While you may wish for a different outcome, focusing on safer, less emotionally charged topics may be more helpful.

How to Stop Unintentional Emotional Manipulation?

If you realize that you’re emotionally manipulating others, you’re definitely not alone. Insight is the first step toward change.

You can improve the way you respond to others, but taking responsibility for yourself in your relationships is important.

Here are some ways to avoid unintentional emotional manipulation in relationships.

Think About Why You’re Emotionally Manipulating

Why are you lying or trying to control a situation? Answering these questions can be painful, but they can reveal key truths about yourself.

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Most people resort to emotional manipulation to maintain their image or feel powerful. They may have a complex history of abuse, and have learned to manipulate emotions as a coping mechanism. Whatever the case, knowing your reason is an essential step toward change.

PauseBeforeResponding

If you feel angry, upset, or frustrated with someone else, stop. Don’t react yet.

In those tense moments, you’re more likely to try to hurt someone else in response. Think about the healthiest way you can respond, and try to commit to taking that action.

Listen deeply to others

Empathy lays the foundation for honesty and connection. When you can empathize with someone else’s feelings, you’re more likely to care about their integrity. This, in turn, makes you want to be a better person for them.

If you struggle to listen, commit to practicing more mindfulness during conversations.

Don’t interrupt or focus on what they want to say next. Pay attention to what they’re saying, and remember that their needs and emotions are valid.

Accept different facts and realities

There are no universal truths about how people live their lives. Assuming there are only creates tension within relationships.

Instead, focus on being more curious and open-minded. Learn about other people’s experiences. Practice adopting a more forgiving approach when meeting new people.

Apologize and hold yourself accountable

If you notice yourself slipping back into manipulative behavior, acknowledge it and try to fix it.

There is no need to overdo your apology, but you should describe what happened and ask the other person how to make it right.