I grew up with a narcissistic mother. It was a challenging journey and I could have ended up exhausted, insecure and unhappy. But after decades of trying to understand what was happening and discovering that my mother was a narcissist, it helped me make choices that supported my happiness and well-being.

A friend challenged me in my work: “How could someone as smart as you not have discovered earlier that your mother was poisoning your life?” This could be my dear friend, precisely because I was drunk, blinded by constant accusations that it was my fault that the relationship was not successful and I could not look at the situation objectively. Additionally, admitting that your mother doesn’t love you is a big step for any child.

I always knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Are you struggling with your relationship with your mother? Could she have strong narcissistic tendencies? Discover below some important signs of a narcissistic mother.

1. She is more important than you. A little story to illustrate this: The little girl jumped on her little red bicycle. It would be the beginning of a new life. She went to a big school. First day today. When I arrived at the school, I was surprised by all the parents who were there….and I thought: “Why are they all here?” Her mother was eating breakfast in bed and let her 6-year-old daughter find her way to school that first day.

There will never be a moment where her children’s needs are prioritized over her own.

2. She wants you to run errands for her and takes your efforts for granted. My mother expected me to make her breakfast in bed on the days when I started school later. I was cooking for the family on Saturday. She always told me how much she did for me, hence I had no choice but to pay her for services, whenever she asked me to.

This is part of a strategy to make you feel guilty and bad about yourself.

3. She doesn’t want you to look prettier or be “better” in any way. The more I wear clothes that look good on me and get compliments on them, the more I tend to ruin them in the wash. Whenever she complimented me, it meant my clothes didn’t fit me, but it took me years to figure that out.

She never had a career, which was part of the era I grew up in, but she never asked about my life. My career has been very successful in PR for IT companies. The one question she regularly asked in a dismissive tone of voice: “What are you doing again?”

4. She is very negative and critical of your friends. You may think that no one is good enough for you, but this attitude is inspired by ensuring that there are no people in your life that you trust, who might see what is happening to you, and who might unite with you against it. Its focus is to distance you not only from friends but also from siblings and family members. There is strength in numbers, and as long as you are alone you are easier to control.
5. She controls your activities She controlled the way I spent my school vacations: cleaning, shopping for clothes with her, playing tennis with her. When I left home to go to university she made me come back every weekend. Otherwise I won’t have money to live on. The fog is a concept put into practice: fear of her reaction if I don’t comply; Or – feeling like she had to “pay me back” for all the things she was doing for me; G – Guilt and feeling bad and selfish if I choose to live my life away from her.
6. She punishes you when you do not obey her. Punishment could be the silent treatment, insults, withholding money, or any other treatment that will upset you. My mother was a star at ignoring my needs. There would be no food, no money, no clean clothes, and no attention. This would make me so uncomfortable that I almost fell over myself to get her approval.
7. You can’t connect with her emotionally. Emotions and empathy are foreign territory for the narcissist. They simply don’t understand it. When I was upset about breaking up with my first boyfriend, she just told me that the world is a big pond with a lot of fish. When our 14 year old dog died I was torn. But 3 hours later, she purchased and brought home a new puppy to replace our Skippie.

Trying to explain how you feel and wanting to know how to change your relationship for the better is like hitting your head against a brick wall. No matter how you present the problem, she doesn’t get it and will call you hysterical, exaggerated, silly, or even worse.

There are plenty of other indicators that your mother is a narcissist, but if you recognize the ones listed above, she probably is.

It is very difficult to come to terms with it and the best you can do is give up hope of ever having a healthy relationship with her. It’s the hope that has kept me going for 40 years. Ever since I left home, when I was 18, I’ve tried to make something that could never happen. When I was 58, I cut the ropes and became free.

[mahshare]