You’re in your 20s or 30s and you’re having relationship problems. You look back on your upbringing and think about your “cool” dad. He was the star of the party, knew everyone, and made things happen. You couldn’t get enough.
Could it be that you were raised by a narcissist? And if so, why does it matter?
We take our families for granted. That’s normal. Every family is a miniature social experiment. Each has its own set of unwritten rules. Each family has its own secrets. But what if the secret was right out in the open? Like, your dad was a narcissist and you thought he was your dad. In fact, you assumed all dads were like your dad. What happened? They weren’t.
Here are 10 signs that your dad might have had narcissistic tendencies—or was an overt narcissist.
- Your dad was charismatic. Everyone wanted to be around him.
Narcissists are often charismatic. This doesn’t mean that charisma equals narcissism. No. When you have great charisma, it makes it easier to get people to do your bidding. If your dad was charismatic, he was the life of the party and was great to be around. You may have felt like you were the center of his world, but he quickly moved on to something else. Charisma and narcissism mean that everyone loved your dad, but how much did you really get from him?
- Dad Thinks Big! Greatness is seductive.
Many highly successful people have narcissistic traits. They think very big. They may invent new things, challenge the world with a political cause, or promote a winning idea. Many narcissists are successful. For example, a lawyer, businessman, or doctor with a great idea can do a lot in this world. Just know that you don’t have to be great to be great.
- Dad took advantage of people, even if they didn’t know it. Everyone was pleasing him.
A true narcissist sees others as objects in his rise to success. For the severe narcissist, this may include his family. Charisma, looks, and intelligence are an attractive combination. It attracts clients, partners, friends, and colleagues. But morality is often a relative thing for the narcissist, so there may be destructive relationships (your mother?) along the way.
- Dad wasn’t around much. He got a lot of fulfillment outside the family.
There are many paths to narcissism. Some are selfish by nature. Others are psychologically wounded early in life and are looking to mend a hole in their heart (see Orson Welles in Citizen Kane). Others are drawn to their powers of persuasion. They are too smart, or too handsome, or too charismatic, or too talented for their own good. So family life is fun for the narcissistic father—they are his children, after all. But he doesn’t have much patience for the mundane, everyday grind of family life; there’s a whole other world out there.
- Mom did most of the raising. Dad couldn’t handle much of the child-rearing. Plus, he craved excitement.
Raising children is hard, stressful, and often repetitive. It’s satisfying because you love that little creature you call your son or daughter. The average narcissist is actually psychologically young. They crave excitement and enjoy attention. A toddler squirting a little pee in your face while you’re changing his diaper doesn’t cut it. Going on a playdate with a 6-year-old daughter gets boring fast. Work calls. (And having some side pleasures is boring, too.)
- You’ve done daddy stuff with daddy. Narcissists don’t often replace someone else. They’re very much into their own interests.
Good parenting requires getting involved in your daughter’s interests, even if they’re not yours. You can watch gymnastics or hockey games or go to the hobby store with her to buy a knitting kit. When you have kids, you’re no longer the center of your life; they are. A narcissist, on the other hand, will insist on doing the things they want to do. While it’s great to introduce your son or daughter to new things, daddy needs to check in on their interests, too.
- A parent may lash out when they’re upset. There’s a concept called narcissistic rage. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of it.
A narcissistic parent (or mother) has a trigger point. When they’re frustrated, they can lash out to hurt others. Because a narcissist often sees others as objects, they can hurt you in the most horrific ways, saying really bad things—and really meaning them. Even when dealing with children, a narcissist wants to win. Hurt is acceptable as long as they get what they want. No wonder so many family members shun a narcissistic parent. They may be charming; it’s their temperament that keeps everyone in line.
- Your parent values you—in front of others. Narcissistic parents love to show off their children. But these children often feel like they’re inferior in their parents’ eyes.
Our culture values looks, fitness, and money. But we’re all deeper than those things. A normal parent is validating their daughter or son; they feel loved and appreciated for who they are, not just for what they do or look like. The narcissistic father, however, can’t help himself. Because so much of the narcissistic father’s preoccupation was with success and appearance, you had easy rules to follow. In fact, you probably complied, but it left you anxious in case you ever failed.
- You couldn’t really get what you wanted from him. This is subtle, but it’s often true. You wanted his attention, but he gave it sporadically, and only when it suited him.
The narcissist often reads his audience very well. The healthiest people care, but sometimes only within the details of a particular moment. They’re so busy seeking admiration that they feed off the goodwill of many people (that’s why politics or business work so well for them). You may feel like you’re the only person in the room. As a child, that’s powerful. The problem is that he won’t follow you very much and won’t have the patience to spend time with you. So you feel like you have something special (which you do), but it’s just a little out of your reach.
- You often date charismatic and selfish people, despite many bad experiences. You discover that you are used to dating unavailable men or women.
This is the natural outcome of a narcissistic father. You are used to seeking out sexy and powerful men or women, but you lose out. Sometimes you may reverse the roles and identify with the powerful father and become a narcissist yourself. This is a psychological trick to cling to your father by identifying with him. You still lose out on real relationships, because now you are the one using people and thus keeping them at a distance.
There are no ready-made psychological diagnosis templates, and this includes narcissism. Every human being is unique and our sets of inferences are by nature artificial and inaccurate. However, we all know extreme narcissists when we see them. They are charming users who can turn on you when they lose interest, or when they want something.
If your father has all of the traits listed above, he likely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And even if he only has some of these signs, his selfishness has likely affected your upbringing and the person you have become.
In future posts, we will look at how narcissism affects the sons and daughters of narcissistic men. (We are not criticizing fathers. There are many stories of narcissistic mothers that could be told. But that’s not the case now.) Because a father’s relationship with his son is different from his relationship with his daughter, the way in which all of this plays out may be different.
If you have a narcissistic father, you are likely suffering. You may be prone to narcissism, or you may be chronically insecure about your worth; perhaps both. Validation is not their strong suit. I hope this article has done some service in validating your experience. If so, it was worth the effort.
Remember, knowledge is the first step toward freedom. If you believe you have been negatively impacted by a narcissistic parent, please let us know in the comments section. Additionally, know that there is much you can do to free yourself. More to come.
