Is He A Narcissist? The One Thing You Need To Know About Your Ex

I am writing from a woman’s point of view because I am single. However, what I am writing about does not discriminate against age, wisdom, gender, or sexual orientation. I have been lucky enough to train and communicate with men and women in twenty-three countries around the world. I have worked with models, celebrities, politicians, CEO, professors, professional athletes, students, businessmen, musicians, single moms/dads, lawyers, psychologists, retirees in the 70’s, teenagers just starting, and the list goes on.

What surprised me the most: none of us are immune to red flag blindness, pain, toxic relationships, and somehow thinking, our “Not Enough,” is the root of it all.

We all Google sh * t search for our exes ‘ issues, our issues, and concerns. We all stalk, obsess, and feel alone in our pain.

No matter what, I think we can all say that we are in relationships (friendship, romance) with narcissistic people. For this post, I’m going to focus on narcissistic exes.
If you’re trying to get to the bottom of “IS he a narcissist?”Here are 5 lessons I learned:

Narcissists are emotionally unavailable.
Like attracts Who would be attracted to another non-narcissistic narcissist? (This is what I call "reverse narcissism"). You have one person who has blinders when it comes to anything other than his needs, agenda, and attention promotion. You then, have someone else who has a blind eye when it comes to anything other than making the selfish behavior of their narcissistic partner revolve around their lack of value. Either way, no matter how you slice it, you've got two people who are making everything, everything about them. Both are unable to own their behavior and because of this, are unable to let the other person own their behavior.
The same red flags that you choose to turn a blind eye to / work harder to try to be an exception/deny, are the same reasons that you are in the zone of a toxic relationship. They will be the same reasons why break up.
You may miss someone and know that he is not good for you. It's okay to miss a narcissistic ex and know you can't get back together with them but miss them anyway. However, if you continue to be hurt by someone, you may take your heart out of the boxing ring. It is possible to stop equating beatings with stalking. It is possible to remove the wool from your eyes and admit that you are not just being beaten, you don't like being beaten and deserve not to be beaten again (by yourself or someone else). It is possible to share in the joy of existence and avoid toxic investments. You're not going to do it with your money so why would you do it with your heart? It's okay to miss the high that the investment sh*t gave you as long as you stop viewing it as something worth investing in. Bad experiences can have incredible moments. The goal is not to overpower yourself and let guilt, shame, and blame take over. The goal is to acknowledge your pain in the context of the awareness that you now have of your ex-partner's emotional and relational inadequacy.
Narcissistic exes are the hardest to get over. The highs are unlike anything you've ever experienced and the lows, despite the awful deal break, are more easily looked past. You hang on to the memory of the last hike as an expectation to build the next one. Once your relationship is over, the narcissistic exes will also pretend (whether on social media or however), to be/do/say whatever they withheld and told you that they will never do. They will claim that now they are everything that they have not been constantly – honest, communicative, responsible, sympathetic, and accountable. They often show "epiphany" in the most selfish and hurtful way.

And when you see all that, how can you not think that it’s all your fault? How could you not think that you were not enough?
If you are asking yourself, ” Is he a narcissist?”Here’s what you need to know…

I used to be all in or all out. It was an emotional coping mechanism for me. When it came to narcissistic coming out, I had to either demonize them and think they were the scum of the Earth or, I had to idealize them (I also removed the pillars myself). No way it ever worked. Indifference did not.

Related : How To Deal With A Narcissist – The Ultimate Guide

The only thing that helped me more in achieving apathy was the realization that:Because I was in so much pain, I was trying to convince myself that my ex was a terrible person and that he never loved me. It ended up adding salt to an already painful wound.Just like my reverse narcissism didn’t make me a terrible person, my narcissistic exes aren’t bad people.Not all narcissists are bad people and this post is not about being a good or bad person.It’s about freeing yourself.

Because I’m the girl who does her best when it comes to love, I’ve also done my best when it comes to having to process a breakup either in black or white. I told myself that my heart could not cope with any more gray, as my mind spray-painted everything around me in 50 Shades of it.The common denominator with narcissistic exes was something I felt all the time while in the relationship, but could never identify and recognize for what it was – selfishness, emotional unavailability, lack of emotional intelligence, and tender bankrupt.As I said, I had been thinking for a long time that a narcissistic ex must be a bad person. These guys weren’t bad people and I think a lot of them like me as much as they can.I finally became indifferent when I accepted that what I was looking for was not in their emotional range.

It’s as if she took me to a calculus class at the most prestigious university. It doesn’t matter if George Clooney studies the class, and gives 24-karat gold pencils-I won’t take the class.It’s not because the university is not good enough or the teacher is not hot enough or that I am not touched by Golden pencils.Something about me: I can’t manually split. I hate math and whenever I try to learn it, my brain just shuts down. Anything other than 4th-grade math is not within my scope.

There have been many times in my life where I have tried to love, love, and learn proverbial math and all.Single.Time, I ended up being a sucker who gets humiliated and knows better than the get-go.Whether your ex regrets doing what he did to you is a no-brainer. The moment you are free is the moment you realize that narcissistic exes are not bad people – they just don’t have it within their emotional scope to give you everything they claim to want and whatever you deny yourself or you would never be attracted to them in the first place.Not being able to do math doesn’t make me a bad person – it makes me a person unable to do math (and who can admit it).

The problem with narcissistic people is that although they can’t add or subtract relativistically, they come to the table claiming to be the ambassadors of mathematics.These are not bad people. They are painfully insecure and selfish people who are in a state of serious denial and will never have it in their scope to do mathematics (although they claim to be mathematicians).Narcissists are unable to command your respect because they twist themselves left and right. They believe that the truth has versions.

Apathy begins the moment you realize that these people are self-absorbed, have never had, and will never have anything to do with you.If you met a great person online who represented themselves as a marathon runner and then when you met in person, you saw that they needed to use a walking stick would you associate your value with bringing out the marathon runner in them? No.no. You accept that they cannot run (let alone walk without a stick). The end of the story.Narcissistic exes don’t need to be vilified. They need to be recognized as people who can not run relationally.