When it comes to understanding someone’s behavior in a relationship, the line between narcissism and insecurity can seem blurry. Both traits can manifest in ways that leave you wondering: Is he self-absorbed or struggling with self-doubt?

To get to the bottom of it, let’s delve into 12 key differences that can help you tell if he’s a narcissist or simply insecure.

1. Self-Focused vs. Fear of Rejection

Narcissists thrive on being the center of attention. They focus primarily on themselves—what they want, how they feel, and how others perceive them. They tend to dominate conversations and seek admiration.

In contrast, an insecure person often fears rejection and judgment. They may appear overly cautious, seek constant reassurance, or avoid situations where they feel vulnerable. While they may also talk about themselves, this is often rooted in a need for self-validation rather than self-obsession.

2. Grandiosity vs. Humility and Hiding Fear

Narcissists often display grandiose behavior. They exaggerate their accomplishments, embellish stories, or present themselves as “larger than life.” Their self-confidence may appear assured, but it’s often a facade.

Insecure individuals, on the other hand, rarely display grandiosity. Instead, they may downplay their accomplishments or hide their fear of failure with humility. Their reluctance to accept credit usually stems from low self-esteem, not arrogance.

3. Manipulative Behavior vs. Genuine Vulnerability

Manipulation is a hallmark of narcissism. Narcissists may twist situations, deceive others, or play the victim to maintain control and protect their ego. They rarely admit to being wrong and often shift blame onto others.

An insecure person may display moments of emotional vulnerability. They may apologize frequently, express remorse, or open up about their concerns. This frankness, while sometimes excessive, is usually a sign of trust, not manipulation.

4. Entitlement vs. Gratitude

Narcissists feel entitled to special treatment. They believe they deserve admiration, priority, and preferential treatment without having earned it. If their demands are not met, they may respond with anger or withdrawal.

Insecurity, on the other hand, often manifests itself in the form of gratitude for small gestures. An insecure person is more likely to appreciate kindness and may express gratitude frequently, even for seemingly minor things.

5. Lack of Empathy vs. Overthinking Others’ Feelings

One of the most obvious traits of narcissists is their lack of empathy. They struggle to understand or care about the feelings of others unless it serves their purpose.

Related : 7 Clear Signs of Emotional Abuse from a Narcissist

However, insecure people tend to overthink how their actions will affect others. They may worry excessively about hurting someone’s feelings or seek constant reassurance that they haven’t hurt anyone.

6. Charm with an Agenda vs. Genuine Kindness

Narcissists are often charming, but their charm usually comes with an agenda. Whether it’s to gain admiration, gain trust, or achieve a personal goal, their kindness comes with strings attached.

The kindness of an insecure person, while sometimes stemming from a desire to be liked, is usually genuine. They may go out of their way to help others because they care, not because they’re seeking personal gain.

7. Reaction to Criticism vs. Sensitivity to Feedback

Criticism can ignite a narcissist’s anger. They often respond with defensiveness, anger, or counterattacks. Any suggestion that they’re less than perfect threatens their self-image.

In contrast, an insecure person may take criticism seriously. They may feel hurt or fixated on negative feedback, but they’re less likely to attack. Their sensitivity comes from self-doubt rather than an inflated ego.

8. Desire for Power vs. Fear of Powerlessness

Narcissists are driven by a need for power and control. They enjoy being in positions of power and often manipulate situations to maintain dominance.

However, insecure individuals are more likely to fear helplessness. They may avoid leadership roles or struggle with decision-making because they doubt their abilities.

9. Superficial Relationships vs. Deep Connection

Relationships for narcissists are often transactional. They seek out people who can enhance their status, provide admiration, or meet certain needs. Once someone is no longer useful, the narcissist may let them go.

Insecure people crave authentic relationships. They may find it difficult to open up at first, but their ultimate goal is to establish meaningful relationships. Their insecurities may make them clingy, but this comes from a place of wanting to feel valued.

10. Ego-Driven Conversations vs. Fear-Driven Listening

Narcissists dominate conversations to demonstrate their superiority. They steer discussions toward their own accomplishments, knowledge, or opinions, and rarely show interest in the perspectives of others.

An insecure person may compensate by being overly nice or asking too many questions. They listen attentively, but often because they fear saying the wrong thing or being judged for their opinions.

11. Projection vs. Self-Doubt

Narcissists often project their flaws onto others. If they feel inadequate, they may accuse others of being incompetent. This tactic diverts attention from their own flaws.

Insecure individuals internalize their flaws. They may constantly question their worth, abilities, or decisions. Rather than blaming others, they tend to take the blame themselves.

12. Inflexibility vs. Over-Adaptive

Narcissists are rigid in their beliefs and actions. They resist change unless it benefits them and rarely compromise. Their way is the “right” way, and they expect others to conform.

Insecure people are often the opposite. They over-adapt to please others, even at the expense of their own needs. Their fear of confrontation or rejection makes them overly permissive.

Why does this matter?

Understanding whether someone is a narcissist or insecure about themselves isn’t about labeling them. It’s about recognizing the patterns of behavior that are impacting your relationship.

Related : 9 Reasons You Keep Falling for a Narcissist Over and Over

Narcissism can be toxic, leading to manipulation, lack of emotional support, and even abuse. Insecurity, while challenging, often stems from unresolved personal conflicts that can be addressed with empathy and communication.

What can you do?

If you suspect you have narcissism:

Set boundaries to protect your emotional safety.

Avoid engaging in power struggles or trying to “fix” them.

Seek professional counseling if you feel the relationship is toxic.