Intimidation seeks to intimidate, although the tactic used to intimidate others is often just a smokescreen for weakness. The only word I would use to describe my ex-husband, at least during our marriage, is scary. I didn’t question my fear until much later. My frame of my ex gradually changed from Sauron to Gollum; Both are menacing, but one is more pitiful than terrifying.

As I was thinking about this particular post, I was reminded of the instinctive response my body would get whenever it entered a room. Years of recovery have not erased the body’s memory of this gut-level fear. I carry stress, often unconsciously, and feel hyper-vigilant to my surroundings. I feel happy that this strange thing is no longer the driving force of my life. But it still hasn’t completely faded away yet.

This is the reality of recovering from abuse. We want to leave our memories behind, whether they are in the mind or the muscles. But the scare tactics that were our daily reality are still in place. We measure progress in years, even decades, not weeks or months. However, losing innocence from being abused can be a blessing. I can share those tactics my ex used on me, and I know many readers will respond. If the emails I receive are any indication, my experience resonates with many. So, here are a few (among many) that abusers of every type do.

Intimidation Tactic #1: Lots of lies

I didn’t fully realize the extent of my past dishonesty until long after the divorce. The problem with this scare tactic is that it is intimidating in and of itself. Some narcissists lie outright and baselessly. They think they are so good at it that it infuriates them when they get caught. The stories of women who write to me include fake identities befriending the victim on social media. Some lying is just a specific form of illumination. They lie to friends and family alike about the supposed wrongdoings of their victims, setting the scene for abandoning any support system they should try to escape.

I hear from women who were rejected by their entire church because they left their abuser, the lies are so convincing. I want to mention the lies of omission, the outright denials, and the completely baseless accusations. My ex-husband repeatedly threatened me with prison. He had information that would put the law on me. I racked my brain over anything illegal I might have done. I realized shortly after I left that it was just another lie meant to keep me in fear.

Tactic No. 2: Swift punishment

Punishment takes many forms within marriage. The silent treatment, criticism, emotional blackmail, ridicule, and withholding of affection, money, or even transportation intimidate victims into silent compliance. Insults, which are usually rude and insulting, send the husband into a state of cognitive dissonance. Their bodies feel the hit, but their minds can’t accept that the one person who was supposed to love them called them something terrible.

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My punishments often included breaking my stuff. This is a direct threat. The abuser says, I can hurt you, just as I can break this thing of yours. In essence, they are demonstrating with an inanimate object what they wish to do to you. This violent behavior often includes, as it did in my case, physical abuse of animals. In the worst-case scenario, the punishment includes physically harming his wife. In most cases of punishment, whatever the method, the perpetrator admits that it is punishment, while warning that his victim deserves it. This brings us to our next devilish tool in the intimidation toolbox.

Scare Tactic #3: Playing the victim

Abusers play the victim game and the blame game equally. My ex-boyfriend convinced me that the reason he often got angry was because of his parents’ abuse. This may be true. However, throughout our decade-long marriage, I never saw his parents abuse him. They gave him what he wanted whenever he wanted it. I think he convinced them I was the one after their money, although I don’t remember asking them for anything. My in-laws didn’t seem to trust me, for reasons I didn’t understand until after the divorce.

However, we were all involved in the “make him happy” game. What’s so scary about this is that the victim game seamlessly flows into the blame game. You have become the sole reason for his unhappiness. This tactic manipulates the victim into giving the abuser what he or she wants, so that he or she is not blamed for his or her misery. I know narcs who convinced their spouses that being overweight, physically ill, and even their unique talents caused the abuser terrible suffering. Apparently I abused my ex by working as a professor and not at the local factory. Ironically, he never held a real job.

Tactic #4: Unpredictability

If the victim cannot guess the attacker’s next move, the ground turns into a sea of ​​eggshells that they must cross without breaking. Keeping the victim walking on eggshells is a dangerous victory for the abuser. Slavery has been achieved. The way to do this is to silence them with angry reactions to random events. Any event can turn into an ordeal with enough crocodile tears or endless circular discussions. The goal is to reduce the victim into a permanent state of dread.

Combine unpredictability with the blame game, and the victim will never know what hit them. Anger is a favorite method of unpredictability. My ex once became angry because the food I made was too hot after taking it out of the oven. He threw it against the wall. As I cleaned him, I realized he could have responded the same way because it was too cold or not quite to his liking. It was a show to keep me afraid. It worked for so long that he used up every bit of love I had to give him. When all that remained was indifference, the fear began to fade. I couldn’t come up with a single reason to stay that outweighed all the reasons to leave.

Scare Tactic #5: Too many words

I didn’t understand the phrase “word salad” until long after my divorce. Strictly speaking, word salad is a psychological term for confused jargon used by those with advanced schizophrenia. However, popular culture has appropriated it for the confusing argumentative style used by narcissists. The Bible talks about this: When there is much talk, sin is not absent, but he who controls his tongue is wise. -Proverbs 19:10 My ex would spend hours trying to convince me of something ridiculous, all the while presenting no clear argument. how to? He was just playing mind games for fun.

This tactic succeeds in silencing victims. Discussing anything becomes so painful and time-consuming that a feeling of helplessness begins to take over. No one can win an argument with a narc. The main reason is that winning is everything to the narc. Confusion, lying, verbal abuse, accusation, and every logical fallacy in the book become legitimate tools they can use. Point this out, you will regret it. I became a peacemaker at all costs just to avoid five or six hours of argument that went nowhere. Intimidation through constant obfuscation is the name of the game.

Intimidation is mostly a mind game. For this reason, we discount the real harm it causes. To instill fear in another human being is to cut him off from everything good. The Bible says there is no fear in love. Conversely, love cannot exist in fear. Perhaps this is why Narcissus is so hated. Due to their complete lack of ability to love, they can only create a fallen paradise built on threats and terror. They know they don’t deserve love, so they will force their victims to send a fax. However, I don’t think love is what they are looking for. I think the more accurate word for what they are looking for is worship. Not the kind we offer to a God who loves us. The ferocious and horrific kind to which the ancients would slaughter children.

Once I got rid of my fear of man, I learned how to be free again. And yet, the familiar strings will vibrate in the background. I feel comfortable knowing that I will never have to wear them again.