Key Points
Narcissists appear to be extremely selfish and self-centered.
Ironically, their thoughts aren’t selfish. They’re focused on how others are disappointing them.
The best way to deal with narcissists is to detach from them and their blaming and shameful thoughts.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is emotionally and psychologically draining. It can destroy your sense of self, confidence, joy, and so much more. Many of us who deal with narcissists, whether in our family, at work, or in our friend group, feel that if we could just explain how we’re feeling or how their actions make us feel, we could get them to see the light and start treating people better. Unfortunately, these conversations are rarely productive. Instead, they provide more fodder for the narcissist to blame you for making everything so bad.
Why do they act this way? Why do they bring so much negativity, shame, and ugliness into the lives of those around them? One reason has to do with how they think.
We all have an automated network of thought that produces our inner monologue—the random thoughts that stream through our heads throughout the day. Known as the default mode network (DMN), these brain regions work together to make sure you’re safe. The problem is that they evolved when we lived in small clans, thousands of years ago. The default mode keeps us safe by setting the standards and expectations of our clan members and urging us to follow them so we don’t get kicked out of the clan. It’s like a stress system that keeps us physically safe by helping us escape saber-toothed tigers.
For most people, this network is selfish. It talks to you about where it thinks you’re falling short in order to motivate you to become more “clan-acceptable.” If you think, “I’m so ugly,” it’s because your DMN thinks you need to be pretty to be accepted/liked/successful/happy in the world. If it says, “I just failed that presentation. I’m not good enough. I’m definitely going to get fired from my job,” it’s essentially saying, “Warning! Clan acceptance is in question. You’re in danger now!”
The DMNs of narcissists are outward-focused. Instead of beating themselves up, their DMNs are lashing out at the world. They tell them that everyone is taking advantage of them or has negative intentions. They tell them that everyone else is the problem. Here are some examples.
Normal: I’m not good enough. /Narcissist: Everyone in my life hurts and disappoints me.
Normal: I feel like I keep making mistakes. / Narcissist: You’re doing this wrong and this is wrong…
Normal: I look gloomy in this. / Narcissist: She could do better.
Normal: I’m not as smart or experienced as everyone else at work. / Narcissist: My boss isn’t that smart. He only got where he is because of good timing.
Narcissists struggle to take responsibility for their actions and how they make others feel because, to their default neuron, it’s not them who’s to blame for how they feel; everyone else is. They struggle in relationships because, to them, it’s about what the relationship does for them, not what they can do for the relationship. Narcissists tend not to seek treatment because their default neuron believes that the world needs help, not them. It’s as if the self is out of their sight. Maybe their true self is so compressed that they can’t relate to them.
When you’re in close contact with someone with narcissistic tendencies, it’s like getting a double whammy from your default brain. First, your default brain does its normal job of evaluating your every move. Second, their virtual brain also evaluates your every move, in a dismissive and harsh way. Your virtual brain then pivots to the other person’s criticisms, believing the bullshit your virtual brain said in the first place (e.g., I’m not worthy of love, I’m not good enough). Your virtual brain then piles on, believing it has external validation for its negative beliefs. If your emotional well-being were a weather pattern, it would be like two major storms meeting and building into the storm of the century.
This is why a conversation about feelings is unlikely to be productive. If anything, it will give your virtual brain more data to work with, to blame you for whatever negative emotion they’re feeling. Experts call this “narcissistic fuel.” When you choose not to have the conversation and instead distance yourself, you distance yourself from their fuel, which reduces their chances of criticizing, belittling, dismissing, or blaming you. So resist the urge, give yourself some self-love, and find others who also treat you with love and respect. It’s not your job to change the way a narcissist’s brain works; it’s your job to take care of yourself.
