The most effective of all narcissistic manipulation strategies is “induced conversation.” Especially when breaking the no-contact initiative or trying to banish codependency (relationship absorption).
For codependents not to be drawn back into the relationship that nearly destroyed them, they must have strong countermeasures to survive the conversational strategies motivated by narcissists.
Related: 9 Dominant Traits That Reveal Someone Might Have Narcissistic Personality Disorder
#Oda and the wrestling ring
The meaning behind George Bernard Shaw’s quote, “Never wrestle with a pig, you’ll get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it!”, goes hand-in-hand with my Observe Not to Absorption (ODA) approach. This approach requires filtering out the narcissists’ power over their codependent prey or their prey who suffer from a lack of self-love.
Any kind of reaction to a narcissist, whether you’re fighting or just defending yourself, can cause you to fall back into that wrestling ring.
Remember, the narcissistic wrestler lives and breathes the wrestling ring. They know every square inch of it. Their ability to manipulate people requires them to bring other people into the wrestling ring to outsmart, outmanipulate, outmanipulate, and outsmart anyone who tries to defend themselves from their attacks.
Let’s examine how you can stay out of the wrestling ring once and for all.
How to stay out of the narcissistic wrestling ring
As a consultant, I teach people how to stay out of the ring. In this case, we are mainly talking about the emotional wrestling ring, but also the physical wrestling ring. The physical wrestling ring involves the things you do or don’t do to engage the narcissist. The emotional wrestling ring is what’s going on in your head and heart.
One way you can stay out of the physical wrestling ring is to simply not talk to the narcissist. Avoiding any contact via emails, text messages, etc. is one of the best ways to reduce contact. However, you can still keep them in your head, listening to their glowing stories, including their comments about you, over and over again, with or without them.
If it stays in your mind, your strength and ability to break free from the relationship and survive narcissistic abuse will weaken.
So, how can you overcome this?
The primary defense strategy I teach people when introducing ODA is to fully understand the power of induced conversation.
Related: 5 Signs You’re In Love With A Narcissist Who Will Never (Ever) Change
#Motivational conversation and how it affects you
Induced conversation is the primary weapon the narcissistic wrestler uses to maintain his power and control over you. When you start setting boundaries, breaking off the relationship, and even using the ODA technique, you will fail if you do not understand what is at stake for the narcissist. Remember, their first goal is to keep you in the ring.
Narcissists are nothing in themselves, despite what they may tell themselves. They need you like they need oxygen to live. Internally, they are filled with insecurity, shame, and dread, regardless of whether they are aware of it or not. Most narcissists cannot recognize these internal battles.
There may be rare moments when they can get in touch with their shyness, like the moments when they melt, beg, beg, and promise you everything just so they can keep you in their life. However, this window is closing quickly and is unlikely to reopen. They are simply oblivious to their dark sides and shame.
The induced conversation is what keeps them in control of the relationship. It is how they control their powers and control strategies. After all, if they can get you to fight back, defend yourself, or argue, you’ll get back in the wrestling ring with them.
To exert this power, the narcissist must get you to talk to him or her first. If you try not to contact them, the only way they will come back into your life is through conversation.
Ways narcissists do it
Simple, deceptive conversations are the first power move used by narcissists. If you think about how many times you have tried to free yourself from a narcissist, set boundaries, or completely free yourself from a relationship, feeling confident and determined to finally end the madness, and how many times that has not worked, then you will realize the power of this technique. The narcissist knows your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. They understand the ins and outs of codependency addiction more than ever before.
There are several ways they can do this. Sometimes it’s as simple as: “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you left your toothbrush at my house and I’d like you to return it. Tell me when is the best time to drop it off.”
Related: How To Love Fearlessly After Your Heart Was Broken By A Narcissist
Other times, it’s more aggressive, “You have no idea how much you’ve hurt me, and I deserve a chance to explain how much I love you and I think we can work this out.”
It can also be a more deceptive manipulation. They can use your children by saying, “Bobby’s teacher called me and said we should talk. I think it’s a good idea to talk. Don’t worry about our problems. I respect your boundaries.”
Their strategy will be to stimulate the conversation by connecting with your vulnerabilities. They know that all they have to do is give you a small dose of the medicine and the medicine will come from the conversation. Never underestimate the power of conversation.
#Why induced conversation works
Let’s remember when we finally get to the point where we’re done. This place is coming out of anger. So, as long as we stay angry, we can stay away from narcissists. But then, the narcissist can talk to you and somehow you remember all the kindness and gentleness he bombarded you with, and you’re right back where you started. This is, quite simply, madness.
They know that there will be a point where you will subconsciously crave their company. Regardless of whether it is rational for you to do so or not. They realize that you will find a way to be around them, whether in conversation or through an emotional or even sexual connection.
I look at a narcissist in the same way I look at a terrible addiction, like nicotine. I understand this process because I am a Certified Addiction Counselor and Certified Sex Addiction Treatment Provider. Just as you can’t help but pick up a cigarette and smoke, you can’t help but return to the conversation with a narcissist if he or she asks you to.
To apply the “observe and not absorb” technique and my other techniques, I urge you not to forget the importance of neutralizing the induced conversation.
You must stay alert. Don’t talk to them, respond to them, or react to them reflexively. Narcissists know what they are doing and will try to get you back into their wrestling ring. They want to stay in the dysfunctional narcissistic dance forever. And that’s all it takes.
#Stop the triggering conversations and heal
To tie it all together, if you are ready to leave your narcissistic abuser, whether he or she is your boss, friend, family member, or partner, you must remember to avoid pulling the trigger conversation. This technique will draw you back in and leave you where you started.
