My client Brian, 32, told me: “Growing up, I never felt like I could depend on my parents for what we would call emotional support. That feeling that other people have, that their mum or dad is there for them no matter what? Why? I get it. I didn’t feel it. It wasn’t there. And I couldn’t trust them to hear how I really felt about anything. Now, as an adult, I still can’t open up with the people closest to me. Even with my friends and my girlfriend, I don’t feel Comfortable with being vulnerable with them, which hinders true intimacy and causes loneliness.
Brian’s inability to trust his adult relationships, and thus to experience emotional intimacy and allow himself to be vulnerable, can be traced back to his family of origin. When a child grows up in a narcissistic family, he learns early that he cannot depend on his narcissistic parent or expect consistency with him. This causes poor confidence.
In a healthy family, a child learns that when they cry, the father will be there to care for them, comfort them, and take care of them. Every psychologist is well aware of the importance of early bonding and attachment in childhood and its effects on the psycho-emotional development of the individual. The ability to trust is key. This should continue consistently throughout the child’s life, so that they feel safe and have someone there for them both physically and emotionally.
What does trust mean
When a child grows up in a narcissistic family, their sense of security is shaky at best. A narcissistic parent can be unpredictable and inconsistent in the way they respond to a child, leaving the child feeling weak and insecure. Consequently, the child’s ability to trust that others will constantly see him, hear him, and care for him becomes weak, and this core mistrust may be difficult to repair. An online meme of “Anonymous” says it well: “Breaking someone’s trust is like crumbling a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it over, but it’ll never be the same again.” Trust between the child and the narcissistic parent weakens over time, but it is difficult to determine exactly how and when this happened because it is likely the result of an accumulation of successive events.
One client quoted in Stephanie Donaldson Pressman and Robert Pressman’s book on narcissism described how she could not rely on her narcissistic mother for emotional support: “I worshiped my mother and knew she loved me, but it was like trying to grab hold of smoke: you see it, but you can’t put it down.” In your hand. I still feel that way.
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When we observe a narcissistic person interacting with other people, we often see these basic behaviors: a lack of empathy, exploiting others to meet their own needs, and an exaggerated belief that they are always right, which makes them lack accountability and maintain the narcissism. Sense of entitlement. Such behavior speaks poorly of a person’s character and can only prevent a child from trusting his parent who behaves in this way. Children learn more from what they see than from what they are told.
To be certain of someone’s emotional strength is to know that this person will not be destroyed by our difficulties and will not personalize our problems. We feel safe that we can depend on them, and they can deal with them with strength and maturity.
Poor trust can affect relationships between adults
For children from a narcissistic family, trust issues cannot help but affect their relationships with adults. Regardless of the particular dynamic within our family of origin, our relationships with family members tend to influence how we relate and communicate with future partners. Some experts say that we are likely to be drawn to the familiar in order to engage in our recovery, which I have certainly seen in my practice.
Adult children from narcissistic families often find that they have issues with anxiety and avoidant attachment, which need to be resolved in therapy and in their relationships. Fortunately, how to develop secure attachments in adult relationships can be learned and worked on in therapy.
Weak confidence can affect self-confidence
Not only is an individual’s ability to trust others weakened by being raised in a narcissistic family, but the person’s self-confidence is also weakened. Self-doubt arises when one’s feelings are unheard, unacknowledged, and invalid, destroying one’s sense of reality and sense of self. The key to trusting others is to learn to trust ourselves and our feelings. The more confident we are in our ability to deal with situations and feelings, the less afraid we will be. When working with clients, I often ask them to write the word “trust” but leave out the “u.” Result: tr, because you can’t have confidence without you. You cannot trust others without trusting yourself.
